The LifeQuake Blog

Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor with Dr. Toni Galardi

August is traditionally the month when those who can, take a vacation. The Europeans are often on holiday for the whole month while the tourists flood the city. I guess it is all a balance. Speaking of balance, if you don’t have the luxury to be away much in August, another great way for you to spend the holiday is to take an inner vacation.
What might you do to spend time in meditation or reading material that probes into your inner self? My book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon is one way to do that. Working with a coach who can help prepare you for changes you would like to make in the Fall is another way. However you do it, I urge you to use August to create a psycho-spiritual “stay-cation” at home.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been seeing a man for four months. I am 50, he is 54. He has grown children, is financially comfortable, and was the perfect guy for the first three and a half months. I had a bad week, hormonally. I was tired, PMSing and he started to distance and it has gotten worse. He seems to be putting up walls, which then causes me to put up my own walls.
I want to hold on to what we experienced in the first three months but the longer this goes on, the more I question if it is worth it. What should I do, Dr. Toni?

Stranded in Aspen
Dear Reader:
I would ask him if he needs a time out. Giving a man space periodically will help him process how he feels about you. If in giving him space, he comes back with that he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a committed relationship, you can suggest that you are open to keeping it loose as long as he understands that he doesn’t get to have you for himself exclusively. You are open to dating him and others until he or you decide how to define the relationship.
Keep your heart open and date others. Lean back a little. Most importantly, love yourself and be clear about your self worth. If he expresses a desire to be exclusive, consult a therapist or relationship coach. I have found that when I work with couples early in their courtship we can clarify what each other needs and wants at this time in their lives. Having a professional third party to intervene who is there for both of you can either accelerate intimacy and commitment or assist you both in ending a relationship that is not supportive for you both.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a sixty – year- old woman who has been widowed for five years. I would really like to be in relationship with a man my age who really wants to get married. The age bias against women my age in a metropolitan city is huge. I have joined dating services over the internet but men my age want a younger woman.
I am a professional woman whose in great shape and feels young. I want to share a life with someone although I can financially provide for myself. I am not sure what to do and thought perhaps you might be able to help.
Your thoughts?
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre:
I understand that you think finding a man your age would make a suitable mate. Perhaps you feel that way because your late husband was close to your age. However, there may be men who are ten years younger than you who would be more interested than men your age.
A dear friend of mine is with a man who is 16 years younger than her and she is now 70 and they have been together for 15 years so I know it works. Forget about internet dating. I think in your age range, it may not be the best way to meet eligible men. I would focus on going to events you really enjoy and have fun. Travel. Be open to meeting someone in another city or country. Consider men who are also 10 years older. The point is, get outside your box and be open to meeting people you would not have necessarily considered.

One of my clients is an executive in a fortune 500 company. She fell in love with an artist who makes half what she makes but he brings out great qualities in her, her joie de vivre – joy of life, spontaneity. When you let go of your pictures, your soul can bring you to a far horizon that will expand and surprise you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a change mastery coach, psychotherapist, and the author of The LIfeQuake Phenomenon. If you go to her website, you can download a free recording of her teleclass The LifeQuake Method: How to master change in uncertain times.

She can be reached at 310-890-6832. http://www.lifequake.net

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Now that the term “Bromance” is showing up in pop culture so prevalently, I found myself asking the question, why? Also, what changes might it bring to heterosexual relationships between men and women? As horrific a plague as AIDS is and has been on the world, perhaps it has changed men and their capacity for intimacy. When gay men started going to funerals as often as they were going to the gym, a change began to take place in the mating habits of homosexual men.
I started to see it in my practice: more gay men searching for relationships with men that had genuine intimacy and partnership. Although there is more tolerance in the male gay culture for non-monogamous relationships, as their friends began dying prematurely, more gay men began to seek a deeper connection than just sex with other men. Now that we are twenty five years down the road and another whole generation has reached adulthood, straight men are evolving and developing a stronger sense of their feminine side. Now, we women have pretty much taken credit for that as we entered the work force into more powerful positions and demanded more of men, thus developing our masculine side too.
Some of that may be true. Straight men have become more feminine as a result of the Feminist Movement but I think that gay men coming out of the closet has also had a huge impact on the relationship needs of straight guys. The prevalence of men raised by single mothers in this generation (a rather new phenomenon) created a void in traditional male modeling for intimacy, not just with women but in their friendships with men as well. Both men and women are searching for lives that contain meaning and purpose. Intimacy in relationships (all relationships) is growing stronger as we become more isolated in this cyberspace definition of friendship. Ashley Montagu’s seminal book, Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin (first published in 1971) showed us many years ago that we need to physically touch each other without sex necessarily as a follow up. It is interesting to note that the hard back release of Touching coincided with the beginning of the Gay Rights Movement and the paperback edition came out in 1986 as the AIDS epidemic in America began to proliferate in the straight world. Coincidence?
Who knew that the group who brought us Michel Angelo, Truman Capote, and Versace would also bring straight men into deeper connection with each other? As a straight woman who believes some straight men are capable of emotional intimacy, I thank you Harvey Milk and every brave gay man who has chosen to openly fight for the right to marry. Whether you know it or not, you are helping us women not just as our fashion consultants and substitute for boyfriends on Saturday night, but also by influencing our future husbands by your stand for marriage.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist who has just published a book called The LifeQuake Phenomeonon. The thrust of her work is to assist people in releasing old beliefs that keep them from living a life that is authentic and joyful.
For more information: go to her website, www. LifeQuake.net or call
310-712-2600 for personal consultation.