The LifeQuake Blog

Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor with Dr. Toni Galardi

August is traditionally the month when those who can, take a vacation. The Europeans are often on holiday for the whole month while the tourists flood the city. I guess it is all a balance. Speaking of balance, if you don’t have the luxury to be away much in August, another great way for you to spend the holiday is to take an inner vacation.
What might you do to spend time in meditation or reading material that probes into your inner self? My book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon is one way to do that. Working with a coach who can help prepare you for changes you would like to make in the Fall is another way. However you do it, I urge you to use August to create a psycho-spiritual “stay-cation” at home.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been seeing a man for four months. I am 50, he is 54. He has grown children, is financially comfortable, and was the perfect guy for the first three and a half months. I had a bad week, hormonally. I was tired, PMSing and he started to distance and it has gotten worse. He seems to be putting up walls, which then causes me to put up my own walls.
I want to hold on to what we experienced in the first three months but the longer this goes on, the more I question if it is worth it. What should I do, Dr. Toni?

Stranded in Aspen
Dear Reader:
I would ask him if he needs a time out. Giving a man space periodically will help him process how he feels about you. If in giving him space, he comes back with that he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a committed relationship, you can suggest that you are open to keeping it loose as long as he understands that he doesn’t get to have you for himself exclusively. You are open to dating him and others until he or you decide how to define the relationship.
Keep your heart open and date others. Lean back a little. Most importantly, love yourself and be clear about your self worth. If he expresses a desire to be exclusive, consult a therapist or relationship coach. I have found that when I work with couples early in their courtship we can clarify what each other needs and wants at this time in their lives. Having a professional third party to intervene who is there for both of you can either accelerate intimacy and commitment or assist you both in ending a relationship that is not supportive for you both.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a sixty – year- old woman who has been widowed for five years. I would really like to be in relationship with a man my age who really wants to get married. The age bias against women my age in a metropolitan city is huge. I have joined dating services over the internet but men my age want a younger woman.
I am a professional woman whose in great shape and feels young. I want to share a life with someone although I can financially provide for myself. I am not sure what to do and thought perhaps you might be able to help.
Your thoughts?
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre:
I understand that you think finding a man your age would make a suitable mate. Perhaps you feel that way because your late husband was close to your age. However, there may be men who are ten years younger than you who would be more interested than men your age.
A dear friend of mine is with a man who is 16 years younger than her and she is now 70 and they have been together for 15 years so I know it works. Forget about internet dating. I think in your age range, it may not be the best way to meet eligible men. I would focus on going to events you really enjoy and have fun. Travel. Be open to meeting someone in another city or country. Consider men who are also 10 years older. The point is, get outside your box and be open to meeting people you would not have necessarily considered.

One of my clients is an executive in a fortune 500 company. She fell in love with an artist who makes half what she makes but he brings out great qualities in her, her joie de vivre – joy of life, spontaneity. When you let go of your pictures, your soul can bring you to a far horizon that will expand and surprise you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a change mastery coach, psychotherapist, and the author of The LIfeQuake Phenomenon. If you go to her website, you can download a free recording of her teleclass The LifeQuake Method: How to master change in uncertain times.

She can be reached at 310-890-6832. http://www.lifequake.net

© 2011 Vision Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Vision Magazine is a ® Registered Trademark of Vision Global, Inc.
1281 University Ave., Ste. G San Diego, CA 92103

There has been a lot of press coverage on couples staying together for economic reasons that were planning to divorce prior to the recession,  including Anderson Cooper’s piece on CNN.  I even received a call from New York Times reporter on this subject. 

Truth be told, I am consulting with a couple who are sleeping in separate rooms and claim to be together for their son, but I surmise that the real reason is economics.  I did a session with their fourteen-year-old son and he is completely dismayed as to why his parents are still together.

It got me thinking; is there an upside to people hesitating to divorce these days? 

Yes, in a perfect world you shouldn’t live with someone you don’t love anymore, but, perhaps, these challenging times provide a way to rewrite the contract so that you live in a more tribal or community way rather than an ideal we have of romantic love.

Two cases from my practice illustrate how the current economic climate can help or hinder people staying together.
In one case, a couple came to me separately and, although the husband wanted marriage counseling, the wife did not. She was not in love with her husband anymore and had previously had an affair that he knew about. Her reason for staying was their child but as therapy progressed, it became clear there was more here. She knew the value of their home had diminished drastically and was concerned about what she would end up receiving in a property settlement, given the current economic decline. Her solution was to avoid her husband at night, spending hours at her computer watching YouTube videos. My treatment approach with this person was to work on her boredom at her job and help her discover a passion she could turn into her vocation of destiny so that money was no longer her consideration for staying.

In the second case, the couple I was seeing was fighting a lot because of money stressors, but it was clear to me that, although they had threatened each other with divorce, there was still a lot of love left in this marriage. So, we worked on downsizing their lifestyle and being more creative with their finances, spending more time at home with each other and their children and, soon enough, the fighting diminished significantly.

So, as you can see, change and crisis management as it applies to marriage can sometimes mean changing the contract and sometimes it is time to revoke the contract and trust that with greater authenticity, your life will thrive as a single person.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, columnist, and author of her new book  The LifeQuake Phenomeonon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal And Global Upheaval.For more information, visit www.lifequake.net.