Movies.

I love movies. They are truly my favorite art form. 

When a film stays with you long after, revealing multiple meanings the more you think about it, then that is a great film. Let me be clear here. I am a psychotherapist. I have no ties or investments to the film industry. Of all the great films that came out in 2008, The Reader struck me the most because it speaks to my favorite subject – change or the lack thereof.

In this film, we get to see the cost of refusing to act when it is the morally right thing to do. The film moves back and forth between the late 1950’s and the mid 90’s. The two main characters, both German encapsulate the mores of the German people. Both adhere to the tribe’s spoken and unspoken rules.

The character Kate Winslet plays, does what she is told to do as a guard in a concentration camp and the lead male character, complies silently 21 years later when he conceals information that could have saved her because it would have meant exposing himself as having fraternized with a war criminal.  She also refuses to save herself because it would have meant exposing a part of herself she was ashamed of.

Both pay a huge price for concealing their shame and we as viewers see the cost when one refuses to act independently from the tribe.  But something else happens. We then see their individual journey of enlightenment played out through the metaphor of books. The interesting but sad character is the woman whose mother was in the camps and refuses to forgive Kate’s character even after her death. Had this been someone who was a patient of mine, I would have directed her to Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning.  Frankl, a camp survivor understood that forgiveness is the only way to redeem tragic loss for one’s self.

My last thought on this film is this question: Where do you and I comply with the mores of your tribe at the cost of living a life of meaning and truth? This is my journey and the journey for anyone whose Grail is found through a LifeQuake.

At one time there were two classes of citizens. The haves and have nots.

Now, this always referred to economics. Those who had money and resources and those that did not.  In 2008, America entered an economic LifeQuake and some of those who had, now no longer have and many people are filled with anxiety as to who will be next in the have not category but what is certain is that in the cyber age, economics has been replaced in those two categories with two new groups: those who have technological skills and those who do not.

If you were lucky enough to have either grown up with computers and techno gadgets or are left brained dominant, your adaptability to the ever increasing complexity of the latest model of cell phones, dvd players, printers, and of course computers has most probably been with ease. However, if you were born before 1960 you may be finding the information age a bit daunting. In other words, if you’re a baby boomer and you majored in a liberal art in college, chances are you’re struggling to keep up.

Perhaps I should speak for myself. I am a highly educated woman in a profession that is well respected, about to launch my first book on helping people cope with change and I definitely would count myself in the have not category. I have had a Blackberry for a year and just recently learned how to take a picture with it. I could get email on it but the thought of reading anything but a few text messages (something I only learned how to do a few months ago) on that tiny phone fills me with horror.

So what to do? How does one keep up with all the new and improved when it doesn’t feel very improved? If you don’t have a child in the house to teach you, how do you cope? Becoming friendly with one of “the haves,” usually someone in their 20’s, who has these skills and trading your years of wisdom with their acumen may be the only answer. The challenge of course is in finding a “have” who thinks what you know is also a have that they would like to have.

Hmmm…I need someone like that!

By definition, a LifeQuake involves cracking open outdated beliefs and programs so that the organism can be authentically real. This relates to individuals, organizations, a society, and yes, even a holiday.

I propose we crack open Valentine’s day and expand out of this notion that it belongs to lovers. What if we were to make it a day for giving love, period? All kinds of love. Well, in order to truly experience this day with love, it begins with ourselves.

1)    instead of buying a box of chocolates that the cashier thinks is for your mate and then starting your day by sedating yourself with it,  stop at a juice bar and give yourself a smoothie chocked full of anti-oxidants. The energy it will give you will make you feel vibrant. As they say, each action begets the next action. With plenty of energy, you will feel empowered to go to the gym or do an exercise routine that will get your endorphins going.

2)    With this physical support, you will be brimming with self love. Buy yourself the flowers you would have wanted from a mate. I have found that most Valentines days that I spent in a romantic partnership, I was less than impressed by the posies brought to me by my beloved. I like yellow roses, white roses, and lavender roses, but I do not like red roses so buy them yourself.

3)     Call all your single friends and wish them Happy Cupid day. A phone call as novel as it may seem, far exceeds a text message or an email in extending a sincere holiday greeting.

4)    Call your mother or an elderly woman you know who doesn’t have a husband and make her day.

 5)    Make eye contact with strangers and extend the non-verbal universal sign of love – a smile. And then, do it again on Feb 15th, Feb 16th, Feb 17th, you get my drift…

A LifeQuakian Take on “True Love” on Valentine’s Day

Dear Dr. Toni:

Well, I survived the Christmas holidays as the only person at my family’s gathering who is single. If I can get through Valentine’s Day without the impulse to slit my wrists (that was a joke, I’m not suicidal), I can accept the fact that I am considered a second-class citizen as a single woman over forty. Do you have any suggestions for how to turn this around so I don’t feel so inferior to women who are married?

Single and Hating It

Dear Single:

What Valentine’s Day has become is a real travesty. February is the month traditionally assigned to celebrating love. The Greeks were a smart bunch. They had words to communicate the different types of love: eros for romantic love, agape for spiritual love, and philia for friendship love. When I researched the word for self-love, I discovered the word narzissismus, or narcissism, a term rampant with negative connotations. So the positive love of self has been a hard thing for many of us to grasp.

I would like to share with you and my readers the story of St. Valentine because it contains the essence of what we should be celebrating on Valentine’s Day. St. Valentine was not some legendary derivation of Cupid in human form; rather, he was a priest in the third century who, against the mandate of Emperor Claudius, was secretly performing marriage ceremonies. Claudius wanted to build an army and most men at that time did not want to leave their families to go off to war. St. Valentine disobeyed Claudius’ law and was arrested, clearly finding himself in a LifeQuake!  Andhe passed his crisis of faith with flying colors. Young people took up his cause, coming to the jail and throwing flowers and notes up to his window. The daughter of the prison guard kept his spirits upwith daily visits. On the day he was beheaded, February 14, he sent her a note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty, signing it,  “love from your Valentine.”

As you can see from this story, there were two kinds of love that St. Valentine was honoring: the love between a husband and wife in performing marriages and the love of friendship. This offers an interesting challenge to those of us who are single. In the LifeQuake model, we are called to dissolve old programs for living and reinvent ourselves to fit with who we are authentically, outside of the countless cultural and media messages. So let’s take up the cause of celebrating love at every opportunity throughout the day on February 14 this year. Give your love generously to everyone, strangers in the grocery store or dry cleaners included. Call your family. And most importantly, take a moment at the beginning and end of the day and send love out to the whole planetary family, setting an intention for example, that everyone have clean water and food in plentiful supply. Perhaps in taking this on for one day, you will feel so good by the end of the day, that you will want to do it again and again. If enough of us spend our days sharing our hearts, a global tipping point willbe reached and then all members of our planetary family can enjoy a time of great prosperity.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I have a stepchild whom I really struggle to like, much less love. He is very self-centered and never thinks of anyone else besides himself. Nonetheless, I love his father. What do I do?

Katherine

Dear Katherine:

Would you agree that we need to learn to love our enemies in order to end war on this planet? Okay, so everyone can probably think of someone in their family, workplace, or community that they just don’t like. These individuals are in our lives to help us learn how to heal—if we allow ourselves to see it, of course. If you unhook from your need to have your stepson be a certain way and just love him rather than judging him, it will liberate you.

Miracles can happen when we don’t give up on love.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For more tips on overcoming the fear of change and discovering your life’s purpose, Dr. Toni has a new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval, coming out February 27. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600 or www.LifeQuake.net.