The LifeQuake Blog

The media is scaring the heck out of people and some of that is good. We’ve been needing  to get out of denial and wake up to the fact that we’ve been overextending ourselves financially in this country. However, what I’ve been seeing in my practice is a paralysis and an increase in addictive behaviors to numb out from the overwhelming fear people have that the entire country is going belly up. So I am here TO BRING THE GOOD NEWS!!!!

1) Getting rid of the clutter.  The big buzz word right now is CHANGE. But for most of us that translates as LOSS. Take an inventory of everything in your surroundings that is de-funct and obsolete.

To be successful now you have to create small changes where you can see improvement immediately.   To get in the spirit of change you have to get rid of the dead-weight. There is no room to move into new if you are surrounded by stuff that is not life giving.  What is old and useless? Take inventory of what is de-functional. For chicks it is the closet, your wardrobe, expiration labels on foods and medicine in the pantry, and the garage.  Then move to your desk at home and at the office.
Now go on to your habits. What habits are dead-weight for you? What about people?

2) Make a list of all the things you fear are going to happen to you in your economic LifeQuake. Now one by one, say each of them out loud. Notice where you feel the  anxiety in your body:  is it in your throat, your gut, or your heart? Breathe into that place.  Keep breathing there until it releases.

3) Now, ask yourself what is one thing I could do today that would simplify my life and put more money in my hands? Cut your cell phone expenses, shop at thrift stores. Have a garage sale. Take your lunch to the office. Buy some used free weights and get rid of your gym membership, etc.

4) Make a list of five changes you will initiate that will kick off Spring as a true breath of fresh air.

For the longest time I resisted the whole idea of meeting someone “online.”

I was absolutely convinced that Internet dating attracted married men, guys who couldn’t get a date on their own, or creeps.  Unfortunately, if you’re over forty in Los Angeles, men just don’t notice you in public. Coffee houses, bars, and gyms are the domain of the perky blonde with a hard body and augmented breasts, so what is an attractive, smart, funny middle-aged woman to do in such a crisis?

So, I agreed to try one and only one of the dating sites that at least had a decent reputation. Anthropologically speaking, it has been a fascinating exploration into the courtship rituals of humanity in the time of cyberspace. Before the 90’s, if you met someone through friends or at a social function, if you liked one another, you would go out. If you really enjoyed the date it would lead to another date and then if you still liked each other, eventually you would become an item and perhaps live together or get married.

Now you can meet someone online, have a great conversation with them on the phone, maybe even go out, have a mutually great time and never hear from the guy again. Why? Because you are like a dish at a Swedish smorgasbord. He may have had a great time with you but there are 20 more great dishes to be had so why would he settle for the first course? And now there’s an additional operative. We’re in an economic crisis so men are looking for women as investments the way women used to look at men. If a woman is making great money or has abundant assets, a lot of men who wouldn’t have considered an older woman when they were flush are now making pragmatic choices, so the game is changing.

You might ask, well then why do it and risk finding out the guy you just went out with is married or interested in you monetarily? Because I believe in practical magic – the law of attraction.   Figure out what your five must-haves are and be brave, be purposeful, be intentional and be patient. I believe that if you visualize exactly what you want and you are patient and are willing to keep saying no to guys who don’t have at least five of your must haves, the universe will deliver your request.

And maybe the smorgasbord is like the journey to the Holy Grail. By experiencing lots of different men, you get clearer and clearer about what you do want. And on the journey to the heart, each, if you let them, will change you a little and certainly make a contribution to your understanding that men are just as fragile when it comes to intimacy as we are .

Dr Toni Galardi is the Change Expert and has a new book out to help you overcome the fear of change, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How To Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

For a lot of years, Los Angeles and South Florida held the joint monopoly on summer clothes in the winter. And then Miami dropped. All those people who migrate south in the winter were mighty disappointed with the extreme temperatures of Florida’s bitter 60 degree weather. God forbid, you might have to wear a sweater and pants.

My father called me from “Boca” (that’s what they call it there). In Boca Raton, where every retired New Yorker goes to play golf, they were hibernating inside. I felt very smug because here In Los Angeles it was 80 degrees and everyone was wearing shorts! I wanted rain. I really wanted rain! And then the rain came… and came and came. And I started to think, maybe this is a good thing for us Angelinos and not just because we need the water conservation.

Winter is a great time for reflection and contemplation. If you turn inward and just sit with yourself for awhile, the imagination can begin to marinate. The best soups I’ve ever made were their tastiest after being frozen for weeks and then defrosted and heated. But just like a great soup, if there isn’t time for it to just let all the ingredients of your psyche come into some kind of relationship in your subconscious, what gets produced is not rich or deep in flavor.

Something else I think is great about all this rain and cold weather is that it is bringing up people’s real emotions. When the sun is shining, it is easy to displace your fears and anxieties on a good game of tennis or golf, for example. 

I created a seven-stage model for helping people overcome the fear of change and it came to me in the dead of winter. Yes, I’m excited about all this rain. I have a strong sense that late April is going to bring a Spring full of possibilities. In the mean time, jot all your inspirations onto paper or even a blog perhaps. And then in Spring, and not until Spring, see if there is a connection between the ideas. You may have a whole new career waiting for you. I teach people to get outside their boxes and risk. So here’s one – in the spirit of Gene Kelly, go outside and sing in the rain. It can do wonders for your creativity!

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon is now available to be ordered.

This year I spent Valentine’s Day in the most unusual fashion. A girlfriend of mine had loaned me a series of four DVDs entitled Understanding Women. The speaker is a woman by the name of Allison Armstrong and she has a company dedicated to giving education to men and women about each other for the purpose of promoting partnership. Well, she loaned me these DVDs  four months ago while I was in the midst of finishing the editing of my first book. Needless to say, I forgot about the tapes until my friend called about them three days before Valentine’s Day. I had plans with a friend for a romantic evening at his home, but I thought it might be a great opportunity to watch them with a guy since they are, after all, for guys.

My friend had other ideas, equally unromantic by my lights.  As a member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, he had all the movies up for an Oscar, but the movie he wanted to watch was – you ready for this – The Wrestler. Well, I wasn’t interested, to say the least. I offered an alternative – that we watch these DVDs. He hesitantly acquiesced.

I thought for sure he’d watch maybe fifteen minutes and be bored.  I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was captivated by how her explanation of most of what drives men crazy about women is rooted in our evolutionary biology. She explains (with loads of humor) why women need to give you the details when reporting on the day’s events, why women need men to be monogamous, and why a beautiful, educated trim woman is more critical of herself than even the average, overweight, uneducated guy, and much more.

Not only did my friend enjoy the DVD, in the morning he went MIA (missing in action).  When I woke up and went looking for him, I found him in the guest bedroom watching the remaining DVDs!  Separate and apart from the information, I felt enlightened just by the fact that I had underestimated my friend in his capacity to both want to watch The Wrestler and be mesmerized by four hours of a talking head explaining the opposite sex. Which made me think, how much do we underestimate each other in other areas? So, when he asked me to smoke a cigar with him in the Jacuzzi, how could I resist? I’m the Change Expert.  My philosophy is everything not dangerous to do just once, should be done once. Freud may have been right that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes it’s a great metaphor if you’re a woman, for embracing your inner Al Capone.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book on mastering change, The LifeQuake Phenomenon, can be purchased in pre-order from her website, www.LifeQuake.net

Connections have been made between the challenges facing this administration and that of Roosevelt’s because many think another Depression is imminent and that the stimulus package is another New Deal of sorts.

The state of our economic affairs is quite different than in the 1930’s, mostly because we are now a global economy. Ok, so everyone knows that. But here’s the thing: we are heading into a time of great economic correction. It is the only way America (and so goes the world) will get itself back to the essential values this country was built on. It doesn’t matter if an orangutan was our president (and, arguably, we did have one in the oval office for eight years) now if he could inspire hope in all of us. There is a higher order being called for in this economic LifeQuake– our evolution. What President Obama and President Roosevelt have in common is their genuine optimism, powerful oratory and likeability by the American people.

FDR had a very difficult second term and yet we re-elected him again and then again because he kept people’s hope afloat. Despite his affluent background, the common man could relate to him and not in the way of being the guy you want to have a beer with, but the patrician father you want leading your country. Obama has that and we are going to need that. We are heading for darker days but we need to remember that all growth takes place in darkness: a fetus in a mother’s womb, mushrooms deep in the earth, and the grizzly bear in his winter cave. So, as we enter this winter cycle, we must remember Spring will emerge, but we must let the old cycle and old ideas about what prosperity is die first. Human beings do not change overnight. This incubation may require a long winter. Thank God we have a young President. In the age of climatic challenges, terrorism on our soil,  AND economic challenges, Roosevelt would never have survived a first term.

With more than 500,000 jobs cut in January alone, loss of employment is becoming more common than any of us would like to admit. However, if you look at temporary unemployment as an opportunity rather than a loss, you’re more likely to be back on your feet in no time. Here are five tips for anyone looking to get back to businesses quickly and painlessly:

1) Initiate or maintain a healthy diet. The stress of a loss of income and identity can stimulate a lot of anxiety which is very challenging to the immune system. In times of stress, some people turn to sugar which is the worst culprit for lowering healthy bacteria in your gut and promoting upper respiratory infections. Keeping an exercise routine will increase endorphins which also strengthen the immune system. Feeling physically strong supports mental acuity and well being.

2) Write a first draft of your resume and congratulate yourself on how much you’ve already accomplished. Sometimes the crisis and pain of sudden unemployment triggers an onslaught of feeling inferior to others who still have a job. Remember to celebrate your small achievements along the road to success.

3) Ask yourself if this happened to force you into a new direction. Consider the possibility of creating a business from home. Look at your resume and see if there is something you are skilled in from your past experience and also have a passion for, but didn’t have the guts to risk doing for fear of failure or financial limitations.

4) Volunteer at a non-profit organization while you are either job hunting or creating a new business. An avocation can turn into a vocation. While I was working for a company in downtown Los Angeles, I incurred an on- the- job injury and while I was in rehab, I volunteered at an agency that educated the public on sexual assault issues. An opening occurred for the director position that was paid and I got the job. This led to my decision to go back to school and become a psychotherapist. Sometimes, what appears to be the end of your life is but a fork in the road.

5) Enlist the aid of your community: family and friends. Let them know what you are looking for and give them the opportunity to be of service. With the Internet, we are living in times that are truly six degrees of separation. You never know who knows who. Ask, ask, ask…

With good reason, lately all eyes have been on our President and his much-anticipated stimulus package.  The lion’s share of January was spent on news regarding the creation of a somewhat surprisingly bi-partisan cabinet, including a little controversy on Hilary Clinton and her competition for the Secretary of State position with our new vice-president, Joe Biden. Most of what has been written about the President’s wife had to do with her wardrobe, what she wore to the inaugural, how she needs a stylist, etc.

What has gotten a lot less press is the issue of the First Lady’s own mission – to inspire children to become successful by giving back to their communities. When I read in Slate Magazine how this message to kids to become civically involved because her own road to success and had come from her community involvement in an otherwise, unremarkable middle class childhood I jumped for joy. In the last stage of my LifeQuake model for helping people master change, I talk about how once you are not afraid of change in your own life, the natural extension is to become an agent of change in the world.  When I was writing the last chapter of my book and doing research on altruism (giving selflessly to help others), I was surprised and delighted to discover how much solid research exists. There are so many benefits psychologically, physically, and even financially to being a humanitarian. Our First Lady is definitely a reflection of how “I do good” becomes “I feel good when I do good.”  The President may have a daytime Dream Team in the White House, but I would guess that the woman he sleeps with is making his night time dreams a better reality for us all.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book is called The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval available on pre-order through her website www.LifeQuake.net.

Movies.

I love movies. They are truly my favorite art form. 

When a film stays with you long after, revealing multiple meanings the more you think about it, then that is a great film. Let me be clear here. I am a psychotherapist. I have no ties or investments to the film industry. Of all the great films that came out in 2008, The Reader struck me the most because it speaks to my favorite subject – change or the lack thereof.

In this film, we get to see the cost of refusing to act when it is the morally right thing to do. The film moves back and forth between the late 1950’s and the mid 90’s. The two main characters, both German encapsulate the mores of the German people. Both adhere to the tribe’s spoken and unspoken rules.

The character Kate Winslet plays, does what she is told to do as a guard in a concentration camp and the lead male character, complies silently 21 years later when he conceals information that could have saved her because it would have meant exposing himself as having fraternized with a war criminal.  She also refuses to save herself because it would have meant exposing a part of herself she was ashamed of.

Both pay a huge price for concealing their shame and we as viewers see the cost when one refuses to act independently from the tribe.  But something else happens. We then see their individual journey of enlightenment played out through the metaphor of books. The interesting but sad character is the woman whose mother was in the camps and refuses to forgive Kate’s character even after her death. Had this been someone who was a patient of mine, I would have directed her to Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning.  Frankl, a camp survivor understood that forgiveness is the only way to redeem tragic loss for one’s self.

My last thought on this film is this question: Where do you and I comply with the mores of your tribe at the cost of living a life of meaning and truth? This is my journey and the journey for anyone whose Grail is found through a LifeQuake.

At one time there were two classes of citizens. The haves and have nots.

Now, this always referred to economics. Those who had money and resources and those that did not.  In 2008, America entered an economic LifeQuake and some of those who had, now no longer have and many people are filled with anxiety as to who will be next in the have not category but what is certain is that in the cyber age, economics has been replaced in those two categories with two new groups: those who have technological skills and those who do not.

If you were lucky enough to have either grown up with computers and techno gadgets or are left brained dominant, your adaptability to the ever increasing complexity of the latest model of cell phones, dvd players, printers, and of course computers has most probably been with ease. However, if you were born before 1960 you may be finding the information age a bit daunting. In other words, if you’re a baby boomer and you majored in a liberal art in college, chances are you’re struggling to keep up.

Perhaps I should speak for myself. I am a highly educated woman in a profession that is well respected, about to launch my first book on helping people cope with change and I definitely would count myself in the have not category. I have had a Blackberry for a year and just recently learned how to take a picture with it. I could get email on it but the thought of reading anything but a few text messages (something I only learned how to do a few months ago) on that tiny phone fills me with horror.

So what to do? How does one keep up with all the new and improved when it doesn’t feel very improved? If you don’t have a child in the house to teach you, how do you cope? Becoming friendly with one of “the haves,” usually someone in their 20’s, who has these skills and trading your years of wisdom with their acumen may be the only answer. The challenge of course is in finding a “have” who thinks what you know is also a have that they would like to have.

Hmmm…I need someone like that!

By definition, a LifeQuake involves cracking open outdated beliefs and programs so that the organism can be authentically real. This relates to individuals, organizations, a society, and yes, even a holiday.

I propose we crack open Valentine’s day and expand out of this notion that it belongs to lovers. What if we were to make it a day for giving love, period? All kinds of love. Well, in order to truly experience this day with love, it begins with ourselves.

1)    instead of buying a box of chocolates that the cashier thinks is for your mate and then starting your day by sedating yourself with it,  stop at a juice bar and give yourself a smoothie chocked full of anti-oxidants. The energy it will give you will make you feel vibrant. As they say, each action begets the next action. With plenty of energy, you will feel empowered to go to the gym or do an exercise routine that will get your endorphins going.

2)    With this physical support, you will be brimming with self love. Buy yourself the flowers you would have wanted from a mate. I have found that most Valentines days that I spent in a romantic partnership, I was less than impressed by the posies brought to me by my beloved. I like yellow roses, white roses, and lavender roses, but I do not like red roses so buy them yourself.

3)     Call all your single friends and wish them Happy Cupid day. A phone call as novel as it may seem, far exceeds a text message or an email in extending a sincere holiday greeting.

4)    Call your mother or an elderly woman you know who doesn’t have a husband and make her day.

 5)    Make eye contact with strangers and extend the non-verbal universal sign of love – a smile. And then, do it again on Feb 15th, Feb 16th, Feb 17th, you get my drift…