The LifeQuake Blog

Since my book The LifeQuake Phenomenon was released in February, I have done a lot of interviews with journalists on a variety of topics, some with the theme of addiction – mommies who drink too much wine at play dates, men who use exercise to compensate for big appetites, screen writers who think they need pot to reach the muse, etc The one question that has come up a lot about addiction is to whether non substance related habits can be addictions. For example, the internet. Can surfing the net, participating in social communities, or watching You tube be an addiction?

My answer is always the same. Nothing outside of us in and of itself is ever an addiction. So here are four questions to ask yourself to determine if you have an internet addiction:

1) How many hours do you spend on your computer in non-work related activity?

2) Are there things in your life that aren’t getting attended to because of your internet time?

3) are there people who need your attention that you are avoiding by being at your computer?

4 Are there emotions you are corking through this distraction?

One of my clients felt trapped in her marriage. She had had an affair and ended it because she had children and wanted to keep the family together. Unfortunately, instead of working on the issues with her husband, she chose to watch You Tube videos instead. Another client used chat rooms as a way to safely connect with people and avoid being in the world where she could get emotionally wounded as she had experienced when her boyfriend dumped her.

So, the key is to notice if your computer time is providing a way to not deal with changes you need to be making. Left unaddressed, this will lead to a crisis. when we need to make changes and distract ourselves instead, eventually the life you’ve outgrown will burst into chaos. By taking the time to really let yourself feel your feelings, you could discover solutions to how to negotiate the next phase of your life a lot less stressful.

When people are diagnosed with a catastrophic illness, people rally around to support…in the acute stage. However, if that illness cannot be cured with a round of chemo and radiation it is difficult for most people to be supportive for years when the illness becomes chronic and debilitative. So how do you live with the incapacitating pain over many years when many of your friends may have disappeared?
The answer is simple, it’s the solution that is the challenge. You turn it into a LifeQuake. The difference between the chaos and stress one experiences when a crisis hits and the chaos and stress one experiences when you turn it into an awakening to a fuller potential you can be summed up in one word: context. Do you hold the experience in terms of the loss to your life as you have known it or do you choose to interpret this challenge as grace?
Here is one technique for transforming the belief that you have lost your health into taking a stand that out of this experience, you will become healthier:
Envision yourself in radiant health. What I mean by that is that you are happy and are glowing- radiating love like a person does when they are in love. Now, place your hands over your heart and imagine you are using your hands to direct love toward a pet or someone you have deep, positive feelings for. Once your hands start to get warm, direct that same intention of tenderness and unconditional love toward yourself, setting an intention that you are sending healing into your own body. After a few minutes, place your hands over your face, and keep radiating love toward your face.

Whether you have an illness or not, this technique will start to make you radiate and glow. Now go out and spread that energy through your smile to everyone you meet. This has a huge impact on the immune system, your emotions, and the well being of your fellow humans. Altruism takes many forms. When we choose to love ourselves in spite of whatever pain we are experiencing, we move the whole world forward. We assist all of humanity toward a new consciousness in which chaos and upheaval becomes the deconstruction of something that is no longer viable and the reconstruction of a new identity that is based on how much you love, not what you look like, how much money you have in the bank, or how much career clout you have.
Yes, long term illnesses can become the very thing that makes you the most powerful person imaginable.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis coach, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval and survivor of three near fatal experiences.  For personal consultation, she can be reached at 310-712-2600.

Now that the term “Bromance” is showing up in pop culture so prevalently, I found myself asking the question, why? Also, what changes might it bring to heterosexual relationships between men and women? As horrific a plague as AIDS is and has been on the world, perhaps it has changed men and their capacity for intimacy. When gay men started going to funerals as often as they were going to the gym, a change began to take place in the mating habits of homosexual men.
I started to see it in my practice: more gay men searching for relationships with men that had genuine intimacy and partnership. Although there is more tolerance in the male gay culture for non-monogamous relationships, as their friends began dying prematurely, more gay men began to seek a deeper connection than just sex with other men. Now that we are twenty five years down the road and another whole generation has reached adulthood, straight men are evolving and developing a stronger sense of their feminine side. Now, we women have pretty much taken credit for that as we entered the work force into more powerful positions and demanded more of men, thus developing our masculine side too.
Some of that may be true. Straight men have become more feminine as a result of the Feminist Movement but I think that gay men coming out of the closet has also had a huge impact on the relationship needs of straight guys. The prevalence of men raised by single mothers in this generation (a rather new phenomenon) created a void in traditional male modeling for intimacy, not just with women but in their friendships with men as well. Both men and women are searching for lives that contain meaning and purpose. Intimacy in relationships (all relationships) is growing stronger as we become more isolated in this cyberspace definition of friendship. Ashley Montagu’s seminal book, Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin (first published in 1971) showed us many years ago that we need to physically touch each other without sex necessarily as a follow up. It is interesting to note that the hard back release of Touching coincided with the beginning of the Gay Rights Movement and the paperback edition came out in 1986 as the AIDS epidemic in America began to proliferate in the straight world. Coincidence?
Who knew that the group who brought us Michel Angelo, Truman Capote, and Versace would also bring straight men into deeper connection with each other? As a straight woman who believes some straight men are capable of emotional intimacy, I thank you Harvey Milk and every brave gay man who has chosen to openly fight for the right to marry. Whether you know it or not, you are helping us women not just as our fashion consultants and substitute for boyfriends on Saturday night, but also by influencing our future husbands by your stand for marriage.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist who has just published a book called The LifeQuake Phenomeonon. The thrust of her work is to assist people in releasing old beliefs that keep them from living a life that is authentic and joyful.
For more information: go to her website, www. LifeQuake.net or call
310-712-2600 for personal consultation.

This year I spent Valentine’s Day in the most unusual fashion. A girlfriend of mine had loaned me a series of four DVDs entitled Understanding Women. The speaker is a woman by the name of Allison Armstrong and she has a company dedicated to giving education to men and women about each other for the purpose of promoting partnership. Well, she loaned me these DVDs  four months ago while I was in the midst of finishing the editing of my first book. Needless to say, I forgot about the tapes until my friend called about them three days before Valentine’s Day. I had plans with a friend for a romantic evening at his home, but I thought it might be a great opportunity to watch them with a guy since they are, after all, for guys.

My friend had other ideas, equally unromantic by my lights.  As a member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, he had all the movies up for an Oscar, but the movie he wanted to watch was – you ready for this – The Wrestler. Well, I wasn’t interested, to say the least. I offered an alternative – that we watch these DVDs. He hesitantly acquiesced.

I thought for sure he’d watch maybe fifteen minutes and be bored.  I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was captivated by how her explanation of most of what drives men crazy about women is rooted in our evolutionary biology. She explains (with loads of humor) why women need to give you the details when reporting on the day’s events, why women need men to be monogamous, and why a beautiful, educated trim woman is more critical of herself than even the average, overweight, uneducated guy, and much more.

Not only did my friend enjoy the DVD, in the morning he went MIA (missing in action).  When I woke up and went looking for him, I found him in the guest bedroom watching the remaining DVDs!  Separate and apart from the information, I felt enlightened just by the fact that I had underestimated my friend in his capacity to both want to watch The Wrestler and be mesmerized by four hours of a talking head explaining the opposite sex. Which made me think, how much do we underestimate each other in other areas? So, when he asked me to smoke a cigar with him in the Jacuzzi, how could I resist? I’m the Change Expert.  My philosophy is everything not dangerous to do just once, should be done once. Freud may have been right that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes it’s a great metaphor if you’re a woman, for embracing your inner Al Capone.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book on mastering change, The LifeQuake Phenomenon, can be purchased in pre-order from her website, www.LifeQuake.net

Connections have been made between the challenges facing this administration and that of Roosevelt’s because many think another Depression is imminent and that the stimulus package is another New Deal of sorts.

The state of our economic affairs is quite different than in the 1930’s, mostly because we are now a global economy. Ok, so everyone knows that. But here’s the thing: we are heading into a time of great economic correction. It is the only way America (and so goes the world) will get itself back to the essential values this country was built on. It doesn’t matter if an orangutan was our president (and, arguably, we did have one in the oval office for eight years) now if he could inspire hope in all of us. There is a higher order being called for in this economic LifeQuake– our evolution. What President Obama and President Roosevelt have in common is their genuine optimism, powerful oratory and likeability by the American people.

FDR had a very difficult second term and yet we re-elected him again and then again because he kept people’s hope afloat. Despite his affluent background, the common man could relate to him and not in the way of being the guy you want to have a beer with, but the patrician father you want leading your country. Obama has that and we are going to need that. We are heading for darker days but we need to remember that all growth takes place in darkness: a fetus in a mother’s womb, mushrooms deep in the earth, and the grizzly bear in his winter cave. So, as we enter this winter cycle, we must remember Spring will emerge, but we must let the old cycle and old ideas about what prosperity is die first. Human beings do not change overnight. This incubation may require a long winter. Thank God we have a young President. In the age of climatic challenges, terrorism on our soil,  AND economic challenges, Roosevelt would never have survived a first term.

With good reason, lately all eyes have been on our President and his much-anticipated stimulus package.  The lion’s share of January was spent on news regarding the creation of a somewhat surprisingly bi-partisan cabinet, including a little controversy on Hilary Clinton and her competition for the Secretary of State position with our new vice-president, Joe Biden. Most of what has been written about the President’s wife had to do with her wardrobe, what she wore to the inaugural, how she needs a stylist, etc.

What has gotten a lot less press is the issue of the First Lady’s own mission – to inspire children to become successful by giving back to their communities. When I read in Slate Magazine how this message to kids to become civically involved because her own road to success and had come from her community involvement in an otherwise, unremarkable middle class childhood I jumped for joy. In the last stage of my LifeQuake model for helping people master change, I talk about how once you are not afraid of change in your own life, the natural extension is to become an agent of change in the world.  When I was writing the last chapter of my book and doing research on altruism (giving selflessly to help others), I was surprised and delighted to discover how much solid research exists. There are so many benefits psychologically, physically, and even financially to being a humanitarian. Our First Lady is definitely a reflection of how “I do good” becomes “I feel good when I do good.”  The President may have a daytime Dream Team in the White House, but I would guess that the woman he sleeps with is making his night time dreams a better reality for us all.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book is called The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval available on pre-order through her website www.LifeQuake.net.

Movies.

I love movies. They are truly my favorite art form. 

When a film stays with you long after, revealing multiple meanings the more you think about it, then that is a great film. Let me be clear here. I am a psychotherapist. I have no ties or investments to the film industry. Of all the great films that came out in 2008, The Reader struck me the most because it speaks to my favorite subject – change or the lack thereof.

In this film, we get to see the cost of refusing to act when it is the morally right thing to do. The film moves back and forth between the late 1950’s and the mid 90’s. The two main characters, both German encapsulate the mores of the German people. Both adhere to the tribe’s spoken and unspoken rules.

The character Kate Winslet plays, does what she is told to do as a guard in a concentration camp and the lead male character, complies silently 21 years later when he conceals information that could have saved her because it would have meant exposing himself as having fraternized with a war criminal.  She also refuses to save herself because it would have meant exposing a part of herself she was ashamed of.

Both pay a huge price for concealing their shame and we as viewers see the cost when one refuses to act independently from the tribe.  But something else happens. We then see their individual journey of enlightenment played out through the metaphor of books. The interesting but sad character is the woman whose mother was in the camps and refuses to forgive Kate’s character even after her death. Had this been someone who was a patient of mine, I would have directed her to Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning.  Frankl, a camp survivor understood that forgiveness is the only way to redeem tragic loss for one’s self.

My last thought on this film is this question: Where do you and I comply with the mores of your tribe at the cost of living a life of meaning and truth? This is my journey and the journey for anyone whose Grail is found through a LifeQuake.

At one time there were two classes of citizens. The haves and have nots.

Now, this always referred to economics. Those who had money and resources and those that did not.  In 2008, America entered an economic LifeQuake and some of those who had, now no longer have and many people are filled with anxiety as to who will be next in the have not category but what is certain is that in the cyber age, economics has been replaced in those two categories with two new groups: those who have technological skills and those who do not.

If you were lucky enough to have either grown up with computers and techno gadgets or are left brained dominant, your adaptability to the ever increasing complexity of the latest model of cell phones, dvd players, printers, and of course computers has most probably been with ease. However, if you were born before 1960 you may be finding the information age a bit daunting. In other words, if you’re a baby boomer and you majored in a liberal art in college, chances are you’re struggling to keep up.

Perhaps I should speak for myself. I am a highly educated woman in a profession that is well respected, about to launch my first book on helping people cope with change and I definitely would count myself in the have not category. I have had a Blackberry for a year and just recently learned how to take a picture with it. I could get email on it but the thought of reading anything but a few text messages (something I only learned how to do a few months ago) on that tiny phone fills me with horror.

So what to do? How does one keep up with all the new and improved when it doesn’t feel very improved? If you don’t have a child in the house to teach you, how do you cope? Becoming friendly with one of “the haves,” usually someone in their 20’s, who has these skills and trading your years of wisdom with their acumen may be the only answer. The challenge of course is in finding a “have” who thinks what you know is also a have that they would like to have.

Hmmm…I need someone like that!