The LifeQuake Blog

Ask The LifeQuake Doctor
September, 2009

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a very healthy fifty four year – old businessman. I exercise, eat a healthy diet, am not over weight, etc. I am financially successful and from the outside everything looks “right”. I went through a divorce a year ago and I spend a lot of mental time in the past and thinking how it used to be. From the outside, I am envied by many people and I do a lot to project and protect my “image”. I am currently taking Paxil, trying homeopathy, doing energy psychology and seeing an herbal MD who is giving me teas to take. I am still suffering and nothing seems to help. Do you have any other ideas or am I destined to this “life” forever? Any insight at all would be much appreciated.
Desperate in San Diego

Dear Desperate:
I can appreciate how difficult and frustrated you must be given that you are doing “all the right things”. I am not sure what “energy psychology” involves but there are two things you mention that bear addressing: “I spend a lot of time in the past and I do a lot to project and protect my image.”
How comfortable are you with vulnerability? SSRI’s like Paxil for depression do take you out of the depths of despair but actually sitting with your feelings right here and now, not the past can allow you to be more authentic and less prone to protecting your image. Do you let people get close? Part of intimacy is rooted in showing your humanity, warts and all.

If you are looking back a lot, perhaps you are filled with regret about your choices while you were married. I would encourage you to find a good psychotherapist to work with and do an evaluation with an orthomolecular psychiatrist – a physician who is trained in treating mood disorders with amino acid therapy, essential fatty acids and certain herbal remedies for brain balance. In Los Angeles, Hyla Cass, M.D. is the “go to doc” in this area and David Gersten, M.D. is located in Encinitas.
Good luck!

Hello Dr Toni :
I just read your column in VISION MAGAZINE. You are quite skilled and exceptionally compassionate. I seem to have the opposite dis-ease — I move and change CONSTANTLY. It is probably the same issue, just opposite side of the coin? i don’t have family, have WONDERFUL friends, not sure where I’m to be, how to ground and connect to the earth. I forever say — it will take a man to settle me down. Yet, I’m SUPER READY to ground. A friend thinks it’s a feeling of being trapped. help!!!!!!!
Thanks, Dr Toni –
Georgia

Dear Georgia:
If it is in your nature to constantly change, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Most people have the opposite problem – fear of change. For them, change translates as loss. It sounds like from your description that staying rooted feels like you will lose something, such as freedom. Your possible solution of getting into a relationship as a way of grounding you is superficial at best and ineffective, if not downright, destructive at worst. Anytime we use something external to ground us, especially a person, we are at risk of then becoming ungrounded again if they leave. More importantly, relationships take a lot of work and commitment. You don’t always get the freedom you have as a single person so you really have to be ready to compromise some of your impulses for the sake of loving another, being in service to another human being as well as serving the relationship. It is definitely in and of itself a life path and for some, a spiritual path not to be taken cavalierly.

I would recommend getting into some counseling to examine what your fears are of staying in one place and not moving on so quickly. There are also certain physical practices such as Qi Gong that can help with grounding your body to the earth’s energy once you have emotionally decided you really want this. Try this: Imagine you are a tree. What tree would you be? A willow that bends with the winds of change but still has deep roots in the earth or an oak that provides shade for both the planet and humans who want to sit under it and be protected from the sun. Think about all the trees you’ve enjoyed. Which one attracts you most? There is a Qi Gong exercise called standing tree that can help with staying grounded through the day. Google it for instructions.

Dear readers:
Well, the summer is almost over and the season of change is about to begin – Autumn. I love this time of year. Like the leaves that turn color as they begin to die, letting go of old defunct habits and/or life circumstances can have the same effect. Recognizing that a cycle is ending can bring color back to your life where it might have grown stale.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Her website address is www. LifeQuake.net. For personal consultation , please call 310-712-2600.

Whether you are already in therapy or feeling the need for a professional to guide you through these rapidly changing times, it can get confusing as to when to see a coach, a career counselor, a psychiatrist, or a psychotherapist.

Here are six tips to assist you in making the right decision:

1)     Do you have insurance?  Those who are career counselors or coaches only, may not also be licensed in California to practice as a counseling professional. However, there are licensed professionals who also do career coaching, life transitions coaching, and crisis management.  If you want your insurance company to reimburse part of your sessions, be sure to ask the coach when you make the call. Even if you don’t have health insurance, make sure they give you an official invoice or super bill that you can write off as an educational expense if it applies to your professional improvement.

2)     Are you depressed or highly anxious? If so, is it preventing you from functioning on the job, managing your children, or participating in social activities? Working with a coach who doesn’t have clinical training can be a mistake if they do not have the skills to assess when they are in over their head. For example, coaches are sometimes trained to interpret the client’s non-compliance with homework assignments as a form of resistance. They are not often trained how to assess clinical depression. I was referred an anorexic patient who had gone to a coach for hypnosis. By the time this patient was referred to me, she needed to be hospitalized. This is an extreme example but a licensed therapist, whether they be a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist spends at least three years in graduate or medical school, two years in a clinical internship with supervision, and then is required to take state board exams both orally and written before practicing on their own.   There are no coaching programs that require this kind of rigorous training and supervision.

3)     If your life is in chaos, are you de-compensating and need medication to function? A licensed psychotherapist (if they are good) will know to refer you to a psychiatrist. What is amazing is that if you were to go to your family practice M.D.  and report being stressed out he/she may prescribe anti-depressants without the thorough evaluation that an M.D. trained in psychiatry would do to make sure they put you on the appropriate psychotropic medication to rebalance your neurotransmitters. A psychiatrist is also going to follow up to see how you are doing on that brand and dosage. There are also psychiatrists who treat these imbalances with nutritional supplements and herbs. These doctors are called orthomolecular psychiatrists.

When I work with my clients whose brains are in overload, I work closely with a holistic psychiatrist who practices near by – Dr. Hyla Cass- CassMD.com. 

4)     Is your life working so-so, but you want more meaning and purpose? Are you just in job burnout and want career counseling?

Traditional career counseling involves elaborate questionnaires to determine your interests and skill set but may not tap into what you are passionate about. There are coaches who do not have academic training in psychology but who have developed their own methodology for helping people discover their life purpose, their mission, or their vocation of destiny. They will give you homework assignments and a structured program to follow and these coaches and programs for the high functioning individual can be very effective.

5)     Are you experiencing a creative block? Some people know they are meant to do something artistically but are going through a dry period or maybe the demands of their day job in corporate America is getting in the way of contacting the inner muse for their artistic needs at night.

This may be the domain of either a therapist or a coach. Choosing which to go to may begin with you exploring how deep seated the issue is. If there is childhood trauma connected to the block, you may need a therapist trained in hypnotic regression that can take you back to the origin of the trauma and provide the healthy adult protection your child self may need to heal the issue.

A coach may work with you more in the present and deal strictly with your conscious beliefs that are getting in the way and give you exercises to re-inspire your creativity. In my practice, I have found that when a client is feeling blocked, it helps to have them close their eyes and breathe into their body bringing an awareness of where the fears are stuck in the body. I don’t necessarily need to go back to childhood because the unconscious trauma is still in the body and when we surrender into these places, it drives the fear to the surface and we can use the breath to morph the old beliefs into a new reality. I also have found that dream interpretation works really well with writer’s block and other creative obstructions.

6)     Are you dealing with an issue that needs the augmentation of group support?  Sometimes we need a community around us such as the Anonymous programs if you are struggling with an addiction. If you are healing from breast cancer, no one understands what you are going through like other survivors who’ve gone through it. Or, perhaps if you are in a spiritual crisis, you may need to attend services at a church or temple in affiliation that is aligned with your beliefs. Also, when people are going through a transition in their lives, group therapy may be beneficial as a cost effective means of having a breakthrough.

In summary, by asking some of these questions when you contact a coach or therapist, you will clarify for yourself who is suitable.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, marriage, family, and child counselor as well as a career and life transitions coach. She also specializes in working with frustrated artists and those wanting a life that is joyfully fulfilling. Her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times Of Personal and Global Upheaval is available through her website www.LifeQuake.net and the major online bookstores.

Since my book The LifeQuake Phenomenon was released in February, I have done a lot of interviews with journalists on a variety of topics, some with the theme of addiction – mommies who drink too much wine at play dates, men who use exercise to compensate for big appetites, screen writers who think they need pot to reach the muse, etc The one question that has come up a lot about addiction is to whether non substance related habits can be addictions. For example, the internet. Can surfing the net, participating in social communities, or watching You tube be an addiction?

My answer is always the same. Nothing outside of us in and of itself is ever an addiction. So here are four questions to ask yourself to determine if you have an internet addiction:

1) How many hours do you spend on your computer in non-work related activity?

2) Are there things in your life that aren’t getting attended to because of your internet time?

3) are there people who need your attention that you are avoiding by being at your computer?

4 Are there emotions you are corking through this distraction?

One of my clients felt trapped in her marriage. She had had an affair and ended it because she had children and wanted to keep the family together. Unfortunately, instead of working on the issues with her husband, she chose to watch You Tube videos instead. Another client used chat rooms as a way to safely connect with people and avoid being in the world where she could get emotionally wounded as she had experienced when her boyfriend dumped her.

So, the key is to notice if your computer time is providing a way to not deal with changes you need to be making. Left unaddressed, this will lead to a crisis. when we need to make changes and distract ourselves instead, eventually the life you’ve outgrown will burst into chaos. By taking the time to really let yourself feel your feelings, you could discover solutions to how to negotiate the next phase of your life a lot less stressful.

Factually, spring is here. Traditionally, it represents the season of change. Unfortunately, this year our country appears to be in frozen emotional paralysis—people aren’t spending money, changing careers, or leaving dead relationships. This month’s column is dedicated to moving out of a winter mentality and the stasis it imposes. Look at it as my version of the stimulus package, one guaranteed to thaw the endless chill, while arousing those emotions in us all that both affirm and support life.

Dear Dr. Toni:
My husband of sixteen years and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for about a year. I had an affair two years ago for eight months and it made me realize that I no longer love my husband. I went back to him because we have a fourteen – year old daughter who really loves her father. We went to counseling and it was no use. I am just not in love with my husband anymore. I was planning to tell my daughter but as the economy has worsened, we just can’t afford to get divorced. What should I do—wait three years until we are out of this slump and my daughter graduates?
Georgia in Sedona

Dear Georgia:
First, let me just say that you are not alone in this dilemma. Many people are choosing to stay together for economic reasons right now. You don’t indicate in your letter how your daughter feels about you and her father sleeping in separate bedrooms. Has this been discussed? More importantly, what is the emotional climate in the house? Are you two conducting a cold war or living as amiable roommates? Have you discussed possible alternatives with each other? If you are absolutely certain that you cannot afford to provide two households for yourselves and your child, then I would suggest having a family meeting in which you openly discuss restructuring your marriage and your family.

Be honest with your daughter about the fact that although you are still a family, you and your husband are no longer functioning as husband and wife. Although this may seem obvious, giving her an opportunity to talk about her feelings about the arrangement is a gesture of respect for her as well as role modeling honest communication.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I know that food, drugs, and alcohol are the usual things people can become addicted to but is it possible to be addicted to YouTube? I am bored with my job. It no longer challenges me. I get all my work done, so it doesn’t interfere with my competence or performance and my boss doesn’t care as long as I get the work done. Do I need to be concerned?
Tube Boob

Dear Reader:
The fact that you are asking the question tells me you know something is up here. Addiction has nothing to do with how much we consume or what we consume. The issue is what are you using your addiction to avoid? Arguably, there is some real feeling you are unable to confront. Try this: Go cold turkey. No YouTube for three days. Notice what feelings come up. Write about these feelings in a journal. What are you afraid of that you are not facing? I am not suggesting you leave your job. Just give yourself a chance to address these newly discovered feelings with no judgment about that they mean. To counteract the boredom you described, now take some time to notice what in the course of your day interests you. Jot that down, too. Do this exercise for three days. Is there a connection between the things you do find interesting? They could be a clue to your vocation of destiny. For further information on preparing for change, you might find some useful tools in my blog: LifeQuake.wordpress.com, dated Mar 9-13. I dedicated five articles to this subject. When addictive habits show up at a time when you should be making changes, often the central belief is that change translates as loss; that you will lose your security if you make a change.

However, all addictions, even Internet ones, can be clues to what you are to do next with your career. Perhaps you should be involved in video or film production, for example. Many people who were corporate executives found their calling as recovery counselors after they went into treatment. All addiction has within it the power to create great transformation if we use it as a sign to get treatment and un-thaw the feelings it has numbed out. Embracing our fears both personally and globally will take us out of winter and bring on an “evolutionary spring”.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book: The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. The LifeQuake Phenomenon can be purchased through her website www.LifeQuake.net or the online bookstores. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr).