The LifeQuake Blog

In the course of 24 hours, one friend and one client shared with me stories of what happens when you reach out to a complete stranger in need, even when it means you’ll be late for your next appointment. The first story began a few weeks ago. It is told in its entirety in the following articles, the second link is a slide show done by a photographer for the L.A. Times.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bessie16-2009oct16,0,7618199.story

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bessie-vid,0,6819231.htmlstory

Now, what is telling about this story is, he could have just given this homeless woman and her children money and have been on his way. He went a step further – he wrote to every staff writer at The LA Times until one took interest and it ended up on the front page.

The second story occurred a few days ago at 4th and Wilshire in Santa Monica, Ca. A wealthy woman had just come out of a building from seeing her accountant. Dressed “au currant” down to her Christian Louboutin shoes, she happened to hear frantic cries coming from a bus parked near by. The bus driver was trying to assist a 70 year old man who had fallen badly and had a gash in his leg so deep that he was bleeding profusely. The bus driver had attempted to stop the blood to no avail. My friend immediately instructed him to move the man to the park bench from the bus steps and get his leg elevated. She then reapplied the make shift tourniquet tighter until the paramedics got there. As she recounted the story to me, she joked, ” I guess all those House episodes I watched, have paid off!”

Here are two busy middle aged professional people who took the time to do the right thing. What struck me about this is that others have heralded them as heroes. Yes, it is heroic to choose altruism over self concerns but it made me think, has the bar been lowered so much on our humanity that when we choose to be the good samaritan it is seen as extraordinary? In many tribal cultures, they would look at us strangely for this. In those cultures, reaching out to anyone in need is quite ordinary and reasonable.

In the last chapter of my new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon I address the idea that once we master the fear of change and learn to adapt more easily to it, we can move into becoming an agent of change. I included a lot of data that suggests that acting altruistically is not only good for your immune system ( which it is), increases dopamine and endorphins ( which it does), but perhaps because of this is actually an evolutionary survival mechanism. Those who concern themselves for others, even when it is an inconvenience or a sacrifice, have the best shot at evolving. Historically, we know that selfish cultures die out but on a purely personal level, if you want to thrive in these difficult times, do something selfless for a complete stranger every day ( however small a gesture) and see your life transform. If we all take this on, the whole world will evolve but more importantly, you will end every day happier, I promise you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a career coach, columnist, public speaker, and the recent author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

Ask The LifeQuake Doctor
September, 2009

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a very healthy fifty four year – old businessman. I exercise, eat a healthy diet, am not over weight, etc. I am financially successful and from the outside everything looks “right”. I went through a divorce a year ago and I spend a lot of mental time in the past and thinking how it used to be. From the outside, I am envied by many people and I do a lot to project and protect my “image”. I am currently taking Paxil, trying homeopathy, doing energy psychology and seeing an herbal MD who is giving me teas to take. I am still suffering and nothing seems to help. Do you have any other ideas or am I destined to this “life” forever? Any insight at all would be much appreciated.
Desperate in San Diego

Dear Desperate:
I can appreciate how difficult and frustrated you must be given that you are doing “all the right things”. I am not sure what “energy psychology” involves but there are two things you mention that bear addressing: “I spend a lot of time in the past and I do a lot to project and protect my image.”
How comfortable are you with vulnerability? SSRI’s like Paxil for depression do take you out of the depths of despair but actually sitting with your feelings right here and now, not the past can allow you to be more authentic and less prone to protecting your image. Do you let people get close? Part of intimacy is rooted in showing your humanity, warts and all.

If you are looking back a lot, perhaps you are filled with regret about your choices while you were married. I would encourage you to find a good psychotherapist to work with and do an evaluation with an orthomolecular psychiatrist – a physician who is trained in treating mood disorders with amino acid therapy, essential fatty acids and certain herbal remedies for brain balance. In Los Angeles, Hyla Cass, M.D. is the “go to doc” in this area and David Gersten, M.D. is located in Encinitas.
Good luck!

Hello Dr Toni :
I just read your column in VISION MAGAZINE. You are quite skilled and exceptionally compassionate. I seem to have the opposite dis-ease — I move and change CONSTANTLY. It is probably the same issue, just opposite side of the coin? i don’t have family, have WONDERFUL friends, not sure where I’m to be, how to ground and connect to the earth. I forever say — it will take a man to settle me down. Yet, I’m SUPER READY to ground. A friend thinks it’s a feeling of being trapped. help!!!!!!!
Thanks, Dr Toni –
Georgia

Dear Georgia:
If it is in your nature to constantly change, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Most people have the opposite problem – fear of change. For them, change translates as loss. It sounds like from your description that staying rooted feels like you will lose something, such as freedom. Your possible solution of getting into a relationship as a way of grounding you is superficial at best and ineffective, if not downright, destructive at worst. Anytime we use something external to ground us, especially a person, we are at risk of then becoming ungrounded again if they leave. More importantly, relationships take a lot of work and commitment. You don’t always get the freedom you have as a single person so you really have to be ready to compromise some of your impulses for the sake of loving another, being in service to another human being as well as serving the relationship. It is definitely in and of itself a life path and for some, a spiritual path not to be taken cavalierly.

I would recommend getting into some counseling to examine what your fears are of staying in one place and not moving on so quickly. There are also certain physical practices such as Qi Gong that can help with grounding your body to the earth’s energy once you have emotionally decided you really want this. Try this: Imagine you are a tree. What tree would you be? A willow that bends with the winds of change but still has deep roots in the earth or an oak that provides shade for both the planet and humans who want to sit under it and be protected from the sun. Think about all the trees you’ve enjoyed. Which one attracts you most? There is a Qi Gong exercise called standing tree that can help with staying grounded through the day. Google it for instructions.

Dear readers:
Well, the summer is almost over and the season of change is about to begin – Autumn. I love this time of year. Like the leaves that turn color as they begin to die, letting go of old defunct habits and/or life circumstances can have the same effect. Recognizing that a cycle is ending can bring color back to your life where it might have grown stale.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Her website address is www. LifeQuake.net. For personal consultation , please call 310-712-2600.

When Barack Obama got elected as our president, everyone was expecting great change to come to America and I said then, it would depend on us as a mass consciousness, not one man or his administration or even a democratic congress. We are a nation that predominantly fears change if it means we have to disrupt the familiarity of our own lives. We want the world to change and keep our creature comforts in place. Statistically, we know that as the economy is shrinking, addiction is skyrocketing. The first inpatient facility devoted to internet addiction opened recently and that is just one of the many ways people are using external substances to distract themselves from making radical internal changes.

If you really want to see the health care issue resolved, clean up your own health habits. Instead of thinking you need a new job, come up with a new idea People who come to me seeking my advice as a career coach, get panicked over sending hundreds of resumes out and getting nowhere. I cannot tell you how many times I have assisted a client in thinking outside the box as to how to make more money and live even better than when they were working for someone else. Itis common to want to reach for the comfort ( there is that word again) of a paycheck beleiving you have to get a job right away to handle your nut. Six months pass and no job and you’re even worse off. Now you’re depressed and defeated and have no creative energy to consider another way to begin your next career chapter.
Here are some tips for career change in tough economic times:
1) begin the day ( before moving into action) with your eyes closed by visualizing yourself working in an environment where you are happy. you dont need big details right now: just your three must haves like: Here is an affirmation from the Depression era of the 1930’s that people used to have financial breakthroughs when everyone else was buying into the economy: “I am doing joyous work in a joyous way.I give joyous service for joyous pay.”
2) expect success and watch your mind so when self defeating statements begin, you can simply witness them and choose to let them go.

3) Set an intention for looking for evidence that your life is changing in a positive direction. A smile from a stranger, an extra bagel given to you by the guy behind the counter, finding a quarter on the sidewalk. It starts with little pieces of grace and gets bigger as you notice more of that than you do what is lacking in your life.

4) Before you go to sleep at night, scan the day for moments when you felt enthusiasm. write it down. then ask your unconscious to bring you a dream that guides you toward your next step. Many famous inventors and scientists discovered the solutions to problems in a dream. When you awaken, write down anything you remember, even if it doesn’t make sense yet. Set an intention for your mind to be open to new ideas throughout the day. A great idea may come from over hearing a conversation in line at the local coffee house.

5) Count your blessings three times over the course of the day. In the middle east, they stop and pray five times a day, well there is something to be said by this.

Look for signs of change. Autumn is just around the corner!

Dr. Toni Galardi is a career coach, columnist and author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

Last night I was watching an old documentary of Judy Garland. One of the narrators who had once been head of CBS commented that she was the greatest entertainer of the twentieth century. She had exceptional abilities as a singer, dancer, and actor. The narrator also made the observation that her vulnerability is what endeared her to an audience. She held nothing back. Her interpretation of a song had such heart and she also let it all hang out in television interviews as well. She told the truth, her truth of course, as a great raconteur, but she didn’t craft a story just to make herself look good. She didn’t hide and people loved her for it, and yet “she could hit a song like a guy, with the command that Sinatra brought to his music.”

I thought about this as I heard Berry Gordy refer to Michael Jackson as being the greatest entertainer that ever lived. Two people who were loved by their fans, their family and friends, and had long time drug addiction issues. Although Michael was extremely vulnerable inside, he wore a mask, literally and figuratively. He hid so much of himself and as he got older, the secrets got bigger, and the addiction more pervasive.

What gave both of their performances on stage such power was in part ( at least on the emotional level) that vulnerability. The greatest performance artists of our time have it and few escaped addiction. The paradox of what it takes to reach an audience and what it costs you (if you are that vulnerable) is tremendous. Being in the spotlight with all eyes on you with the public’s incredibly ridiculous projections contrast so greatly with how the individual who is a “sensitive” feels on the inside. To be an icon who the public can identify with requires access to the little guy inside and yet this child part has no coping skills for the demand of always being on display. Alcohol, pills, and heavy narcotics become the way that this child part finds to shut out the world and all its expectations.

I think that the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett ( another highly sensitive star who had once had some addiction issues) are shining the light on addiction, but they pose another cautionary lesson. To be a leader whether that is in the entertainment business, politics, religious institutions, or corporate America is to bring your authentic self to the people. The evolution of our consciousness is demanding that all “the masks and gloves” be ripped off of anyone in the public eye who purports to be one thing and keeps another shame ridden self deep in the cellar of the subconscious. Although we are seeing this “uncovery” through people like Jackson, Ted Haggart, and Governor Sanford, we too are being called to step out of the shadows.

Every human being has a part of themselves that is the child, that is vulnerable and scared at times. It is time for us all, not just our leaders, to attend to that child. To listen without judgement to its fears rather than sedating or numbing out its cries. When we invoke within ourselves a good parent to take care of the child, authenticity comes easier and so do boundaries. When the child part of us is not abandoned by us through substance abuse, food, and a myriad of distractions such as internet addictions, we can handle the judgements of the world and give the child what it really needs: love from the self not fleeting adulation from others. And to be a good parent means to say to the child: “loving you sometimes means telling you no.” “No, you can’t spend more than you have, eat more than you need to be healthy, or sacrifice sleep to get more done in a day.

I have great hope for America. We have come far since the days of Bill Clinton who did not trust himself or the people to come clean with his addictions. In the few months since he has been in office, Barack Obama has taken full responsibility for mistakes made. A perfect president? Far from it. However, I do think he is more authentic than anyone we’ve seen in office yet so it is for us to take our masks off first to ourselves and peer into our own deepest shadow and let the world see us: good, bad, and ugly. Every time you allow vulnerability without shame, every time you allow vulnerability through self deprecating humor, you stand for a healed relationship with your emotions and you provide a leadership to whomever is listening to you: your children, your community, your co-workers. This is the key to America’s recovery.

Thanks to reality tv, everyone wants overnight celebrity driven success. Andy Warhol said prophetically, eventually, everyone would be famous for 15 minutes. What if we stopped seeking the spotlight and replaced it with our inner light? It could be the key to feeling strong through vulnerability. If what we are seeking is to give the world our light, our full potential self, there is no need to buffer ourselves with addictive substances because there would be no disparity between what shines through you and what is you. This is the real stardom…

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and author of her new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

When I first started writing The LifeQuake Phenomenon twenty years ago, I was befriended by a fascinating generous, amazing woman - Suzy Prudden. I shared with her this seven stage model for evolutionary change that had come to me in a meditation. I didn't know what to do with it other than seminars. She told me to write her a letter describing it and that letter became the beginning of my writing career. She got me to my first literary agent and the journey of LifeQuake began.

Factually, spring is here. Traditionally, it represents the season of change. Unfortunately, this year our country appears to be in frozen emotional paralysis—people aren’t spending money, changing careers, or leaving dead relationships. This month’s column is dedicated to moving out of a winter mentality and the stasis it imposes. Look at it as my version of the stimulus package, one guaranteed to thaw the endless chill, while arousing those emotions in us all that both affirm and support life.

Dear Dr. Toni:
My husband of sixteen years and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for about a year. I had an affair two years ago for eight months and it made me realize that I no longer love my husband. I went back to him because we have a fourteen – year old daughter who really loves her father. We went to counseling and it was no use. I am just not in love with my husband anymore. I was planning to tell my daughter but as the economy has worsened, we just can’t afford to get divorced. What should I do—wait three years until we are out of this slump and my daughter graduates?
Georgia in Sedona

Dear Georgia:
First, let me just say that you are not alone in this dilemma. Many people are choosing to stay together for economic reasons right now. You don’t indicate in your letter how your daughter feels about you and her father sleeping in separate bedrooms. Has this been discussed? More importantly, what is the emotional climate in the house? Are you two conducting a cold war or living as amiable roommates? Have you discussed possible alternatives with each other? If you are absolutely certain that you cannot afford to provide two households for yourselves and your child, then I would suggest having a family meeting in which you openly discuss restructuring your marriage and your family.

Be honest with your daughter about the fact that although you are still a family, you and your husband are no longer functioning as husband and wife. Although this may seem obvious, giving her an opportunity to talk about her feelings about the arrangement is a gesture of respect for her as well as role modeling honest communication.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I know that food, drugs, and alcohol are the usual things people can become addicted to but is it possible to be addicted to YouTube? I am bored with my job. It no longer challenges me. I get all my work done, so it doesn’t interfere with my competence or performance and my boss doesn’t care as long as I get the work done. Do I need to be concerned?
Tube Boob

Dear Reader:
The fact that you are asking the question tells me you know something is up here. Addiction has nothing to do with how much we consume or what we consume. The issue is what are you using your addiction to avoid? Arguably, there is some real feeling you are unable to confront. Try this: Go cold turkey. No YouTube for three days. Notice what feelings come up. Write about these feelings in a journal. What are you afraid of that you are not facing? I am not suggesting you leave your job. Just give yourself a chance to address these newly discovered feelings with no judgment about that they mean. To counteract the boredom you described, now take some time to notice what in the course of your day interests you. Jot that down, too. Do this exercise for three days. Is there a connection between the things you do find interesting? They could be a clue to your vocation of destiny. For further information on preparing for change, you might find some useful tools in my blog: LifeQuake.wordpress.com, dated Mar 9-13. I dedicated five articles to this subject. When addictive habits show up at a time when you should be making changes, often the central belief is that change translates as loss; that you will lose your security if you make a change.

However, all addictions, even Internet ones, can be clues to what you are to do next with your career. Perhaps you should be involved in video or film production, for example. Many people who were corporate executives found their calling as recovery counselors after they went into treatment. All addiction has within it the power to create great transformation if we use it as a sign to get treatment and un-thaw the feelings it has numbed out. Embracing our fears both personally and globally will take us out of winter and bring on an “evolutionary spring”.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book: The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. The LifeQuake Phenomenon can be purchased through her website www.LifeQuake.net or the online bookstores. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr).

Factually speaking, we’re in the last days of winter.  The spring equinox officially begins in the western hemisphere at 4:44 AM PDT Mar 20. However, when I listen to people in my private practice and community, I sense that Spring is going to be delayed this year so I am continuing in this blog to give you tools for what to do in your own personal “winter of discontent”. In my book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon, this is all encapsulated in chapter two as stage two of a LifeQuake.

There is a feeling in the country of anxiety and emotional paralysis. Everyone is waiting for the next guy to stimulate the economy. Now, I’m not saying go out and spend money you don’t have to get the economy going. What I am saying is that if you feel frozen to take any action in your life, change from within. Go even deeper into non-doing.  Spend 15 minutes a day in quiet. As you inhale, bring the oxygen all the way down into your gut.  As you focus on your breath, put your hand over your heart and imagine your hand is a wand of light that is radiating all the fear you are feeling, transforming it into peace. Now, go to the top of your head with your awareness and set an intention for your crown to open and receive light from the universe – the sun, the air, all of nature, etc. Believe it or not, you can be inside your office or home and still have access to this source. Once you feel calm, ask the question, what is one thing I can do today that I don’t normally do that will support my life?

The temptation when we feel paralyzed is to self soothe through food, sex, alcohol, surfing the net for hours, etc. While in stage two, so much amazing healing work can be done if we allow ourselves to turn within for comfort; simply by partnering universal consciousness with our own breath and heart. Tomorrow I will give you some techniques for remembering your dreams and using the dream recall to prepare for change.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Santa Monica, Ca and is the author of the newly published book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to thrive (not just survive)in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

Yesterday I was interviewed by a news anchor and was asked the question, “How do you prepare for change if you don’t know change is coming?” 

I pondered this question (not because I didn’t have an answer), but because I had so many answers that I didn’t know how to put them in a single sound bite for TV. So, I‘ve decided to devote a few blogs to this subject matter.

When you can remove the belief in your consciousness that change means loss, you are more apt to listen for the signs that a cycle is completing in your life and change is coming even if you don’t know what that specific change needs to be. In your childhood, if change always brought crisis or pain, you may have a deep subconscious resistance to major transitions. The irony is, that if you don’t change the belief around this, it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.  If your coping strategy for adapting to change is to avoid the warning signs by numbing yourself out through substances or outer distractions, then what you bring in is crisis driven transition.  A slew of parking tickets becomes a major car accident, for example.

One technique for transforming the fear of change is to spend a few minutes every day with your eyes closed. Ask yourself the question, “Is there some area of my life that has become defunct, no longer functioning for my greater good?” It could be your job responsibilities, the form of exercise you do, your sex life, etc? 

Now focus inward toward your body.

When you think about changing that routine, what feelings does it bring up? Where are those feelings located in your body? Now, take five minutes to simply breathe into it by placing your left hand (this is governed by the side of the brain that elicits our intuitive creative self) over this area.  Allow your hand to get warmer. Now send an intention into your hand of unconditional love. Think about all the times you have used your hands to express love toward family members or a pet and then transfer that same feeling of complete acceptance you have toward others you love toward the place in your body where you hold fear of change. Then end this practice by repeating to yourself, “I am safe and secure.  Change now brings me gain.” Do this repetitively, for several weeks until there is no more charge on making a big change.

Dr.  Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and life transitions coach who has written a new book that assists people in overcoming the fear of change and creating a life of meaning and joy. The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval is available through her website, www.LifeQuake.net. For those seeking personal consultation, she can be reached at 310-712-2600.

There is no doubt that we are in challenging times.

Being a good parent requires so much more of the typical American mom and dad than in any other previous generation. With both parents working at some point in a child’s life in most households, there is a lot to juggle. Women have a fraction of the testosterone that men have and yet are expected to perform at both work and home at very high levels. When we empty out of testosterone, we start using adrenal fluid and this is what causes adrenal exhaustion, immune deficiency and life burnout.

So here are some tips for the whole family in coping with daily stress and hopefully preventing catastrophic illness. 

1. This is the building block tip so really take this one in: get at least 7 hours sleep a night. sleep is what rebuilds the cells of the body and allows you to cope with sudden changes and daily responsibilities.
2. Eat breakfast and include some kind of protein, vegetable or animal based. if your body does not have fuel to burn, it burns away at muscle mass. Your blood sugar being stable allows you to handle whatever comes your way more efficiently.
3. Stay hydrated. Our bodies are evolving and the human species are needing more water than they once did. The more coffee, tea, or carbonated drinks you have, your body becomes dehydrated and you require even more water.
4. Making sure you balance everyone’s time on the computer with cardio-vascular exercise. Studies have shown that the whole world is becoming more obese because we are using machines that once required manual labor and even rural farm areas around the world are getting fatter. Exercise is one of the best ways to de-stress by increasing endorphins and reducing global warming. According to the New York Times, May 2008, obese people consume 18% more food than normal weight people and use transportation that requires gas more often than those who ride their bikes or walk to get around.
5. It is important to pay attention to signs of stress in your family. Do you notice a family member becoming more impatient, flying off the handle at the least little thing. Are your children eating more than usual and gaining weight? Is your husband or wife drinking having an extra glass or two of wine every night? Are your children’s grades dropping suddenly? are you or your spouse working longer hours? If you see these signs, it is important to address it lovingly before it becomes a crisis.
6. There is an old adage, the family that prays together, stays together. I think there is an extrapolation of truth here. Setting aside time every night, even if it is only fifteen minutes, to connect with each other is important to the strength and cohesiveness of a family. Children who know their parents are taking the time to just sit with them and go over the day, feel more secure in meeting the challenges of school and peer pressure.
7. Evaluating how many activities everyone is involved in. Children whose lives are over committed can get stressed out from not having enough down time and that goes for parents too.

In summary, the simpler your lifestyle, the better it is for everyone in the family’s mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.