Whew! Another year is gone and we are finally in 2012.  Honestly, I doubt the world is going to end this year but I think that life as we’ve known it is coming to an end. The economic contraction has given us all pause to really think about what we value and put our time and money into, as well as examining the nature of the economic structure of Wall Street, banking, and The Federal Reserve.

On a practical note, look at creating goals for 2012 that will nourish your body, mind, and spirit.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I own a small business with a partner.

My business partner and I are having some major communication breakdowns. We own a business that involves both marketing, new product creation, and manufacturing. I handle the marketing and the accounting. He handles the manufacturing and product development. His job requires him to supervise staff in the manufacturing arena that has become all consuming and isn’t allowing him to spend time in new product development. My job involves more interface with the public and stores we are approaching to carry our products.

He feels that I have the easy job and he has the hard one and resentment is building with him over this erroneous perception. Hi boyfriend broke up with him a few months ago and I think that this is contributing to his resentment. I have a girlfriend and a personal life. He is not enjoying his life outside our business.  What would you suggest I do? Should we part ways? We have a lot invested in this business and a year of our lives.

Can you help? Should we get a business coach? We just don’t have a lot of extra money to spend on an outside consultant.

John

Dear John:

I think it is premature for you to part ways.  If you perceive that your job is as taxing as his, perhaps sitting down with a mutual friend who can play mediator might help.

I would suggest that you explain to your partner what makes his contribution so valuable to the company. Then I would explain what you go through to get the business customers. I would explore with him what are some things he could be doing in his off hours to restore his wellbeing. Perhaps it might be worthwhile to write down your financial goals for 2012 and include that part of the additional income you bring in be line itemed toward hiring a part time supervisor so that he can spend more time doing the creative side of the business that he enjoys in product development.

You may find that there are business coaches who might be willing to work with you once a month just to keep you two continuing to build better communication. I have certainly been willing to do that with my consulting business.

Good luck!

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am thirty years old, a guy, never been married and am in love with this girl who is driving me crazy. She tells me she loves me, then she goes off to India, comes back and tells me she was with this wealthy guy when she was away but she still loves me. By the way, we met while she was still ending a relationship with a friend of mine. She’s gorgeous. Men are just so hot for her and I feel flattered she wants to be with me. I just don’t know if I can trust her. Would love your advice as to rather I should cut and run or stick it out and see where this goes.

Crazed and in Love

Dear Reader:

What is not clear to me is what do you want in a relationship at this pointing your life? Do you want a monogamous, committed relationship or do you want a love affair where both of you are free to see other people? It sounds like you are taken with the fact that she wants you in spite of other men being interested and that is seductive for you. However, can you handle her free spirit and allow her and you the freedom to be open to others? The only way this will work is for you to get clear.

If you want a committed relationship, then put your sword in the ground and ask for what you want. If you’re ok keeping it loose, start dating other girls immediately and let her know you are doing so. This may clarify things for both of you.

May all my readers have a  2012 that  brings gentle expansion and awesome evolutionary change!

I will be giving a teleclass January 17. Please call 310-890-6832 for more information or write me at: DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, life transitions strategist, and author and is available for consult by phone or SKYPE. . You can reach her through her website, http://www.lifequake.net,  DrToni@LifeQuake.net, or 310-890-6832.

The holidays are upon us. I think there is a really good spiritual reason why Thanksgiving kicks off the holiday season and it is not the nirvana that comes with getting great deals at Target the day after “turkey overload”.

I would like to challenge each and every one of you to stoke the fires of gratitude in your heart the entire month of December. A great way to do that is by keeping a file on your computer of daily incidences you experienced or witnessed that you are grateful for.  When your mind starts to turn toward areas of lack in your life, pull out that list, it will instantly uplift your spirits and allow you to have a peaceful holiday season and 2012.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I have been a widow for four years.  We were married for thirty years. My husband was a prominent lawyer in San Francisco who fought legal battles for both the rich and famous and those cases that were pro bono. We had a very exciting life together. I have not been interested in meeting anyone else. Last summer I went to my 40 year high school reunion and reconnected with my first boyfriend.  He expressed interest in seeing me and I refused at first. He pursued me long distance and I finally agreed to his visiting me.

We have been dating now long distance ever since. Recently, I broke it off.  We really come from different worlds now and I don’t think I want to be with someone who cannot afford the lifestyle I have become accustomed to.

Although my children are adults and do not live at home, they are very threatened by this man’s presence in my life. They do not want to see another man in their father’s home. I have told them that this is my home now. My sister who still lives in the same town as this man, thinks I am crazy for giving up someone who has been so good to me emotionally. I am confused. I don’t know what to do. I have to admit that the sex with this man and the devotion I received I did not have with my husband although he was generous and a good man. He just wasn’t experienced.  I was his first, sexually. This man was my first and my husband was my second but my former boyfriend has been divorced for 10 years and has had a lot more experience than my husban

Can you help, Dr. Toni? What should I do?

Dazed and Confused

Dear Reader:

Opening up sexually again after the death of your husband has probably been made easier through reconnecting with someone who knew you when you were young. Loving sex for a woman produces large amounts of oxytocin. This chemical creates bonding and well being. If you broke it off recently, you may be feeling the effects of the “love chemical” withdrawal.

This man may have come into your life to reawaken you to life. When a partner dies that we’ve enjoyed a good marriage with, a part of us goes with them. You have been in a winter like mourning for sometime and perhaps Spring has come through this man. I suggest  you take the time to go through this withdrawal and then evaluate how important a common lifestyle is to your happiness.

As we age, we are not as flexible about downsizing or simplifying our lives for another. Women who have been well supported financially by their husbands tend to look to men to upgrade them economically not the reverse. Look at your values. Is it more important to be with someone who is kind and loving and with whom you are sexually compatible or is it more important to be with someone who can pick up the tab for a certain lifestyle?

Are you in love with this man or is he safe because he was your first lover and now your first again since losing your husband? Give yourself six weeks and then decide in the new year if your feelings for him remain the same.

My sense is that you will never know if he is truly the one until you venture out and risk dating other men. If you give yourself time to move beyond the identity of widow and actually become single again, you will discover if your old high school sweetheart is the guy for you.  I also would suggest that you stop listening to other people’s opinions about this and get quiet and listen to your own heart. Do what is good for you, not your family.

If you have a question for the LifeQuake Doctor, write to DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, life transitions strategist, and author and is available for consult by phone or SKYPE.  Dr. Toni will be giving a teleclass called “Designing your 2012” in late January. You can reach her through her website, http://www.lifequake.net,  DrToni@LifeQuake.net, or 310-890-6832.

October 2011

Dear Readers:

As we enter the season of change when things in nature reach their fruition and then begin to deteriorate, so are the cycles of life. The wise person notices when aspects of their life are no longer vital and begins to plan for the next chapter. Unfortunately, most of us are so busy living life from our routines that we don’t take the time to notice that a new blueprint is emerging for our lives. Currently, the world is in great evolutionary transition, this emerging new reality is appearing as a state of chaos.

In January, I am beginning a new teleclass series to prepare us for entering 2012 with greater resilience and centeredness along with an opportunity to design a life that fulfills your greatest potential self even if it currently feels a bit chaotic. I hope you will join me on this exciting adventure.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am a psychotherapist so have never written to an advice columnist before. I have been involved with a wealthy man for the past six months. My career is in transition. I am hoping to become a professional speaker to augment my income. My boyfriend has been paying for my marketing efforts and medical bills.

Recently, he told me that he didn’t think we were a long term fit because I am not masterful at being a domestic engineer, something he says he wants in a wife and I don’t share his passion for hard rock and roll and water skiing. The confusion for me is that we have this amazing intimate relationship sexually, spiritually, and psychologically and it has gotten even better in the last month. He said he is not interested in anyone else and doesn’t want to end our relationship but just doesn’t want to get my hopes up that we will get married. I do want to get married. I am in my 50’s as is he, so there is no urgency to find someone to father my children as I do not have children.

Should I continue the relationship?

Dazed and Confused in Chicago

Dear Reader:

Most shrinks would advise you to get out. I see this a little differently. My question to you is, what are your relationship needs at this time?  Can you stay in the present and really enjoy this relationship as a love affair or will you find yourself getting angry because he doesn’t see you as wife material?

If he wasn’t wealthy and you knew this was not long term, would you continue? What are you learning in the relationship that has nothing to do with what he provides for you financially? You say you want to get married? Why? And what will you learn from being with this man that will support you in evolving into the woman you want to be who is ready for marriage?

Most of my responses to you are questions rather than answers, as you can see. Given that you are a psychotherapist, I sense you are better served by this line of inquiry than direct advice.

Good luck and have fun!

Dear Dr. Toni

I am a trans-gender man who has been in a long – term relationship with a woman. She and I were lovers when I was still a woman. Recently, I have noticed that I am more interested in women who are either heterosexual or just very feminine lesbians. There is a woman at my work who has expressed an interest in me. She knows I am a trans-gender man.

I love my wife and don’t want to divorce her but this desire for other women has been growing for the past year. What should I do? Should I tell her or just play it out once and see if my attraction has any substance? I love your column and would be most appreciative if you respond to questions like this.

John A.

Dear John:

I admire your courage in reaching out and in following your heart on changing genders. Like all couples, when you are in a long – term relationship, a point comes where boredom sets in and the desire for someone different than the spouse we have often manifests. The question I have is, have you openly talked about these feelings with your wife? Talk about it in terms that do not indicate you are going to act on them but want to explore what the attraction is. Would it matter if your wife dressed in more feminine clothing or sexy lingerie?  Is there anything in your sex life that you would like changed or expanded?

I would urge you not to do what has been historically true with heterosexual men and just act out of an inclination or titillation. Also, consider seeing a marriage counselor if you need a third party professional to work this through with.

All the best to you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, public speaker, organizational consultant, and the author of the book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

To submit questions for  “Ask the LifeQuake Doctor” or if you would like to consult Dr. Galardi for SKYPE or phone coaching, she can be reached through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net or 310-890-6832. Enrollment for her new teleclass begins Oct 5.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am currently a financial analyst and very successful at it but have been having physical symptoms of extreme fatigue.  I have been to two doctors, one is actually an endocrinologist and although my thyroid is showing a little overactive, he thinks the problem is that I am not coping well with stress.  I don’t really enjoy my work anymore but I find when I am not at work, I am still very tired so I am confused as to how it can be purely psychological. What do you think, doc?

Tired wired

Dear T.W.

First of all, if there is a thyroid issue, even if it is has been induced by stress, it will still affect you even when you are not in the stressful situation because your entire constitution starts to wear down.  Also, traditional endocrinologists do not look at blood work the same way that holistic M.D.’s or naturopathic physicians do. Andrew Weil the famous holistic doctor asserts that he treats the thyroid on the basis of symptoms rather than test results because the thyroid often shows irregularities long before they actually show up in the blood.

A.C.A.M. is one resource for finding a holistic doctor in your area. I would also suggest that you begin to notice when through the course of the day you experience joy or interest in your life. This is both at work and in your personal time. Pay attention to when your energy is better. Who are you with? What are you doing? I would spend three weeks jotting down data of when you found yourself feeling most alive. Your dreams are also clues to a possible transition you may be entering. If your thyroid is off, from a body psychology point of view, we would look at what is it you are not expressing? The thyroid is in the throat so when we are not expressing our authentic voice or saying what we really think in life, it can have physical effects. I would urge you to work with a coach or therapist on the psychological aspects of your fatigue as well.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am a businessman who has recently gotten engaged. I am in my late 50’s. My fiancé is 49. In my previous marriage, I saw other women secretly. Upon finally deciding to come clean and tell my wife that I wanted an open marriage, she filed for divorce. This time I felt it was important to put it on the table from the beginning. I told my fiancé that there is another woman in my life whom I would like to continue to see in a limited way, once a week.

She responded by becoming very angry and then hurt and then she called the other woman who did not know I was engaged. I hadn’t had a chance to tell her yet. Upon hearing that I was engaged, the other woman dropped me, as did my fiancé. Dr. Toni, am I wrong here? It seems to me that women can’t handle the truth. They want you to tell them but when you do, they leave.  I just know who I am. I am not the monogamous type. Does that make me bad?

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed:

You are more than dazed and confused. You’re a bit deluded. It isn’t about you being wrong or bad but I’m sure by the time you got engaged you must have known the nature of the woman you were with. The time to have talked about you not being the monogamous type was when you were first dating. You don’t say here as to rather you are ok with your partner having other lovers.

I would urge you to look at the issue of why you can’t be satisfied with just one woman sexually. Clearly, if you are in your 50’s this isn’t raging hormones so let me just posit something here: Sex addiction has nothing to do with sex drive. It has to do with filling a hole in your soul. If you always have to have more than one woman as a sexual partner, there is probably some emotion that you are avoiding. Given that you chose to have this conversation after you got engaged, what feeling does the thought of committing to one person bring up? What messages did you receive as a child about intimacy? I would suggest you read the book Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. Although it was written in 1983, it still provides great insight into treating sex addiction.  In October, Susan Cheever, writer and daughter of famous writer John Cheever has her own autobiography coming out called Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction. She has a great quote in there: “adultery is the drunk driving of sex addiction.”

Need I say more except to urge you to work with a clinician who specializes in this kind of treatment.

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For those seeking private consultation or to sign up for her upcoming teleclass series, Dr. Toni can be reached through her website – www.LifeQuake.net.

August is traditionally the month when those who can, take a vacation. The Europeans are often on holiday for the whole month while the tourists flood the city. I guess it is all a balance. Speaking of balance, if you don’t have the luxury to be away much in August, another great way for you to spend the holiday is to take an inner vacation.
What might you do to spend time in meditation or reading material that probes into your inner self? My book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon is one way to do that. Working with a coach who can help prepare you for changes you would like to make in the Fall is another way. However you do it, I urge you to use August to create a psycho-spiritual “stay-cation” at home.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been seeing a man for four months. I am 50, he is 54. He has grown children, is financially comfortable, and was the perfect guy for the first three and a half months. I had a bad week, hormonally. I was tired, PMSing and he started to distance and it has gotten worse. He seems to be putting up walls, which then causes me to put up my own walls.
I want to hold on to what we experienced in the first three months but the longer this goes on, the more I question if it is worth it. What should I do, Dr. Toni?

Stranded in Aspen
Dear Reader:
I would ask him if he needs a time out. Giving a man space periodically will help him process how he feels about you. If in giving him space, he comes back with that he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a committed relationship, you can suggest that you are open to keeping it loose as long as he understands that he doesn’t get to have you for himself exclusively. You are open to dating him and others until he or you decide how to define the relationship.
Keep your heart open and date others. Lean back a little. Most importantly, love yourself and be clear about your self worth. If he expresses a desire to be exclusive, consult a therapist or relationship coach. I have found that when I work with couples early in their courtship we can clarify what each other needs and wants at this time in their lives. Having a professional third party to intervene who is there for both of you can either accelerate intimacy and commitment or assist you both in ending a relationship that is not supportive for you both.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a sixty – year- old woman who has been widowed for five years. I would really like to be in relationship with a man my age who really wants to get married. The age bias against women my age in a metropolitan city is huge. I have joined dating services over the internet but men my age want a younger woman.
I am a professional woman whose in great shape and feels young. I want to share a life with someone although I can financially provide for myself. I am not sure what to do and thought perhaps you might be able to help.
Your thoughts?
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre:
I understand that you think finding a man your age would make a suitable mate. Perhaps you feel that way because your late husband was close to your age. However, there may be men who are ten years younger than you who would be more interested than men your age.
A dear friend of mine is with a man who is 16 years younger than her and she is now 70 and they have been together for 15 years so I know it works. Forget about internet dating. I think in your age range, it may not be the best way to meet eligible men. I would focus on going to events you really enjoy and have fun. Travel. Be open to meeting someone in another city or country. Consider men who are also 10 years older. The point is, get outside your box and be open to meeting people you would not have necessarily considered.

One of my clients is an executive in a fortune 500 company. She fell in love with an artist who makes half what she makes but he brings out great qualities in her, her joie de vivre – joy of life, spontaneity. When you let go of your pictures, your soul can bring you to a far horizon that will expand and surprise you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a change mastery coach, psychotherapist, and the author of The LIfeQuake Phenomenon. If you go to her website, you can download a free recording of her teleclass The LifeQuake Method: How to master change in uncertain times.

She can be reached at 310-890-6832. http://www.lifequake.net

© 2011 Vision Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Vision Magazine is a ® Registered Trademark of Vision Global, Inc.
1281 University Ave., Ste. G San Diego, CA 92103

Dear Dr. Toni:
My husband and I divorced two years ago. I left him due to his chronic infidelity. We were married for 17 years and raised two children together. After I divorced him and was left with barely enough money to live in a two bedroom apartment with my children, I discovered that he had been siphoning money into a foreign country and was worth millions abroad. He hardly ever sees his children and my son has especially been affected by this.
I am consumed with rage. I know it isn’t good for me but I cannot seem to let it go when I see how this has affected my kids. Please advise me as to how to move on. I do not trust men now and I know I will be alone for the rest of my life if I don’t change this.
On Fire in San Diego

Dear Reader:
My compassion goes out to you. It must be very difficult to be in financial struggle while your ex-husband is thriving, at least on the financial level. So let me approach this on a multi-dimensional level of your body, your mind, and your spirit.
Clearly, you were unhappy for years if he was unfaithful to you multiple times. So often, rage that continues to dog us does so because it is ourselves we haven’t forgiven or we haven’t processed the reasons we abandoned ourselves. Telling yourself that you stayed for your children is a copout. Go deeper. If he has been neglecting them since the divorce, he was most likely neglecting them before the divorce. What did you choose not to see? It is important to do this self examination with compassion and detachment not judgment. If you can take responsibility for your role and FORGIVE YOURSELF, you will be doing your body a big favor.
Chronic anger creates inflammation. Inflammation is linked to cancer and heart disease. Everyday that you resist accepting what is, your body pays the price. I would venture to say that this bleeds out energetically to your children as well.
The key is to examine the beliefs you are holding about this experience. It came to you as a lesson. As long as you make him wrong, you get to be right about his being wrong but you stay a victim. Ask the question, what is the function of this lesson for my personal evolution? Then work with the emotion that is resisting this acceptance. Where is it living in your body? Breathe into it. Ask to be shown a symbol that represent healing. Dwell on this symbol. Hold the awareness, I am willing to be healed even if I don’t know how to do it myself.
Thirdly, ask in meditation for how to forgive him. As hard as it is to swallow, your ex came to teach you something. People are mirrors for us. What do you need to do to bring yourself into full integrity with yourself? How are your health habits? DO you have a dream to fulfill, a life purpose that could not have happened if you had his money?

In my tele-classes this summer, I am challenging everyone to take on some place in their lives where they fear change and want a breakthrough. Come join me or go to my website and get a free chapter from my book and a 60 minute recording where I give you tools for beginning this process of starting the rest of your life.

Have a great summer!
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and LifeQuake Coach. She is also the author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.
Call today, 310-890-6832 or write to her with your questions: DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

© 2011 Vision Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Vision Magazine is a ® Registered Trademark of Vision Global, Inc.
1281 University Ave., Ste. G San Diego, CA 92103

Dear Readers:
The summer is a great time to do more than just vacation. It can also be a time to prepare for a new start in some area of your life. I will be doing a free teleclass on June 29, Thriving in Crisis Driven Times.  REGISTER HERE
When you register, you will get a call-in # and a unique PIN that you will use for the class.

Dear Dr. Toni:
My father died a year ago. He owned a family business that I now run. My mother is the primary shareholder but is not directly involved. Recently she connected with her childhood sweetheart and they are now very involved. My mother has completely dropped any and all interest in being a grandmother to my children or my sister’s children. I feel like I’ve lost both my parents in the span of a year and it makes me angry and sad. I am 40 years old and yet I find myself having all these feelings of jealousy and judgment around my mother’s new boyfriend.
I’m not sure what to do with my feelings except for punching out this “friend” of my mother’s whom I experience as an interloper.
Any suggestions, Dr. Toni?
Dazed and Confused

Dear Reader:
It is not uncommon in children of any age where there has never been a divorce to have adjustments when Mom is dating for the first time in their lives. Your life has changed dramatically since your father’s death. You don’t say as to whether taking over the family business is something you have welcomed or that it feels like a burden of responsibility.
Perhaps if your mother did not have this new companion, she would have tried to interfere as a way of giving her life some purpose. This may be a great gift in disguise. As for her dropping out of grandmotherhood, if you were to look at everything that happens and ask, “What about this experience or event is working to my benefit?” what would you interpret about your mother being absent from that role with your kids?
In all great myths and stories, the hero begins his journey with the loss of his parents. He must begin the path to conscious adulthood as an orphan so that he can reach his destiny through learning a new way that is devoid of the constraints the family would give to play it safe. Freed of his parents’ authority, he can develop a kind of leadership that has his own unique style. You get an opportunity to make this company your own without interference from either of your parents.
Happy Adventuring!

Dear Dr. Toni:
I have an identical twin sister who is bipolar and self-medicates with alcohol. We are 25 years old and live near each other in a small town. We look a lot alike and people sometimes think I have done some of the things she has done when she was manic. I have tried to get her to go to AA to no avail. She also refused to go on lithium because she says it makes her gain weight. What should I do to get through to her that she is ruining my life and hers as well?
Thanks for any advice you can give.
Jan S.

Dear Jan:
I’m sure you probably know that you cannot force someone to get help. That said, there are protocols that involve herbal and nutritional supplements that can help to create and maintain brain balance. A Web site I recommend is with my friend Dr. Hyla Cass, www.CassMD.com. She is an ortho-molecular psychiatrist who treats mood disorders with amino acids, essential fatty acids, and good nutrition.
Dr. Cass has suggested that it is possible if one is highly motivated, to treat bipolar disorder using holistic methods.
I would also suggest that you attend an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is a great place for family members of alcoholics to go to learn how not to enable or try and control the alcoholic.
You may find that surrendering all your anxiety around your reputation being ruined could be ultimately liberating. Your sister being out of control may be in your life for you to loosen up your need for approval and fear of how you are being seen.
Inside every constrictive challenge lies an opportunity for greater freedom. My wish for you is to find the inner wild girl that your sister is expressing and give her a voice.

Dr. Toni Galardi is extending her offer from last month to her readers at 20 percent off her normal phone coaching fees and $100 off her soul blueprint readings, through June 30, 2011. Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, public speaker, organizational consultant, and the author of the book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.
To submit questions for “Ask the LifeQuake Doctor” or if you would like to consult Dr. Galardi for phone coaching, she can be reached through her Web site at http://www.LifeQuake.net or 310.890.6832.

© 2011 Vision Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Vision Magazine is a ® Registered Trademark of Vision Global, Inc.
1281 University Ave., Ste. G San Diego, CA 92103
Phone: 619.294.2393 • Toll Free: 866.804.8444 • Fax: 619.296.1910 • Email: comments@visionmagazine.com
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Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
March 2011 Issue

Dear Dr Toni:
Four years ago, my now 23 year old son disclosed to me that he is gay. He has had health problems for the past two years. He gets colds easily so I imagine his immune system is weak. It doesn’t bother me that he’s gay. What bothers me is that he seems to have trouble dealing with life. He had to drop out of school his sophomore year and now he’s pursuing dance. On his 9th birthday, he asked to wear a dress and he still likes to cross dress occasionally. Now, we live in a suburb of Chicago. I am concerned about him. Do you think he might actually be a girl inside?
Confused Dad

Dear Reader:
One of the hardest things that happen when our children begin to reach adulthood is for us to let go of our dreams for them so that they can have their own. This also applies to sexual identity. It sounds to me like your son is in an identity crisis that may or may not result in becoming transgender. Has he actually mentioned anything about wanting to change sexes?

That said, sometimes a parent can see things in their children before their children do. If we were to go on the premise that you may be right, the health issues may, and I emphasize may, be a result of hidden unconscious fears he has of being truthful about his true sexual identity. The immune system is strongly connected to the psyche in that instead of attacking foreign substances that are toxic to the body, they start attacking the body itself and one can develop auto-immune conditions.
Sit down with your son and come with your heart open. Have no agenda. Ask questions like: what about cross dressing do you like? How does it make you feel? Have you ever considered becoming a woman? There is a lot to consider and it may have scared him too much to delve into his own psyche very deeply. Your acceptance could make all the difference.

Dear Dr. Toni Galardi
I have been working as a corporate executive for 15 years. I am married for 10 years and have no children. My boss and I began having an affair two years ago. I love what I do and therefore I am not leaving my job. I have tried to break it off with him several times but the attraction between us is so strong that I always end up back in his arms.

I read your book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon and I think I am in stage two. I feel depressed and trapped by my desires for this man. What should I do? I feel like I’m dying a little every day. The only ray of hope I have, I actually got from your book, that maybe this addiction could be a spiritual awakening. Your thoughts?
Dazed and Confused

Dear Reader:
Relationship, love, sex, and fantasy addictions all have as their root the same etiology as drug and alcohol addiction. They often stem from an inability to source your Spirit for joyous oneness and so we look to substances and people to get that high. However, the true longing is for connection to your soul. There is an opportunity to go inward inside of the very compulsion that can feel like the agony and the ecstasy. Meditation helps. Attending twelve step meetings in love addiction called SLAA can help. Most importantly, is to reframe this as a call from your soul. If you really are in stage two of a LifeQuake then the old identity is indeed dying and it can feel like clinical depression.
I am going to share with you and our readers an exercise to help with the surrender and acceptance that moving through this stage requires.
Heaven and Hell
This exercise is a combination of both contemplation and writing, so have a notebook or journal handy, along with a pen. In this exercise, there is no judgment on your attachments. We will look at our attachments as three tiers to suggest the psyche as layers. Make a simple graph labeling the tiers as follows from each part of the exercise.
After reading this exercise, begin by closing your eyes while seated in a comfortable chair. Take a moment to settle into your body through focused breathing. Now, think of the one part of your identity that you are aware of being most attached to. It might be your job, your health, your partner, your home, etc. Imagine that it has been taken from you through whatever circumstances you can think of. Notice what you feel in your body and where you feel it. Breathe into it with long, slow breaths.
Now allow yourself to experience a radiant violet light coming in through the top of your head, traveling all the way into where you are feeling the loss and pain. Keep open, while allowing this light to fill you up. One by one, bring in the next thing or person to which you have the greatest attachment. Do the same process. Stay with this for ten minutes, if you can. When you open your eyes, list the people or things to which you have the greatest attachments in your graph of the first tier.

Now, the second tier is to think about addictions to substances and outer directed beliefs you are attached to. Close your eyes and invoke the violet light into your body again. Imagine how you would feel, if for example, you gave up alcohol, sugar or prejudices about others you may have. Now, imagine what your life would be like if each of those beliefs or habits were gone.

The last tier is to imagine giving up traits of the inner critic, such as self-criticism, shame, and self-loathing. What is your fear around giving them up? Take each one separately and experience yourself without it.
Write about your experience as to how you feel in your body in their absence.
This exercise (along with a genuine desire to use this attachment you have to this man for the purpose of transformation) can accelerate a radical severance from your old life and you may find yourself opening to new professional opportunities elsewhere.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, and is available for consult by phone or SKYPE. You can reach her at 310-712-2600 or DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
February Column
February is traditionally thought of as the month of love. Romantic love, to be more specific… Hallmark and Madison Avenue has sold us on the idea that if you aren’t in a relationship on February 14th, something is seriously wrong with you. There have been a few books coming out lately that are addressing the concept of being a force and source for love in your life and on the planet. Marci Shimoff’s book Love For No Reason: 7 Steps to Creating a Life of Unconditional Love is one example. (I received no incentives for recommending this, by the way.)

So as we address non-traditional approaches to receiving more love in your life, I decided to choose a letter from a single mother, distraught over the bullying her child was receiving at school as a lesson for us all and a valentine to those unsung heroes raising children alone:

Dear Dr. Toni:
My 13-year-old son recently transferred to a new school. In a meeting with his teacher I discovered he eats lunch alone everyday and he isolates from the other kids. He shared with me that the kids don’t like him and they don’t pick him for sport teams. One kid bullies him daily with put-downs, instigating other kids to taunt him. I called the principal and he promised to look into it. I feel at a loss, what can I do to help my son?
Distraught Mom

Dear Reader:
It’s not easy being the new kid on the block. Each day that your son suffers rejection, he is building the belief, ‘No one will ever like me’ or the ‘I don’t fit in’ syndrome. You didn’t mention whether he experienced exclusion or bullying in his other school. If so, look into professional counseling to find out if he has social anxiety and needs to develop communication and coping skills.

Follow up with the school principal and find out what course of action he plans to take. Did he contact the bully’s parents or confront him personally? What tactics does the school have in place to deal with bullying? Find out if the teacher can enlist a compassionate student to befriend him. If your son makes one friend, that will start the ball rolling. The buddy system has been effectual in helping teens to integrate and mitigate the anxiety of being singled out.
What does you son like to do and what does he excel in? Inform his teacher and assist them in finding ways he can demonstrate his strong points.
He was forthcoming with you and that trust is vital to him at this time. Help him discover after school activities where he can thrive in other environments.

There are various groups and programs dedicated to the bullying issue. One stellar curriculum “Peace Smarts”, a 144 pg. reproducible manual for grades 5-12 that helps to create a peace culture in the classroom and community. It focuses on 0 tolerance for bullying, conflict resolution and communication skills, peer pressure, and positive solutions for teen issues. Their website is http://www.merrieway.com. You might want to suggest that the school purchase it or offer to buy it for them and if the principal sees its efficacy, volunteer to support its implementation.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a 47 – year – old woman who has been divorced for ten years. In that time, I have dated a lot but have not met anyone I would want a committed relationship with. Men always end up wanting to just be friends. I don’t know what it is that I am doing that takes me out of the romance category and into the buddy space. I am attractive, smart, and I have a good job but seem to have lousy luck with men.
Can you help?
Desperate in Los Angeles

Dear Reader:
You don’t give me much information to go on regarding your dating behavior. How quickly do you become intimate with them? Do you go into fix it mode? Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your feelings? Do you share what you’re passionate about or do you focus on them?

Men fall in love with a woman who are turned on to themselves and their lives not the men themselves. I know that sounds counter intuitive. We as women are raised to think that if we focus on them, are great in bed and are giving, that we will be loved. Wrong. Men love women who are passionate people: passionate about causes, foods they love and experiences that fill them with awe. Feel juicy about yourself and bring that juice to every encounter, not just the man you are dating. Bring it to the dry cleaner, the bank teller, and your co-workers. The more love you feel about yourself spills out to others and they respond to you in kind.

Start out with every man as a friend, but not as a buddy. The more you make it clear to them that you just want to be friends and are dating others as well and listen more and talk less, you build a powerful feminine containment. Practice enjoying You while you’re on a date and see what happens.

Readers, may you all experience more love in your lives by being love, this month, and for the rest of your lives.

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For those seeking phone coaching, Dr. Toni can be reached at 310-712-2600. Her book The LifeQuake Phenomenon is available online through Amazon.com.

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Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
Jan 2011

Dear Dr. Toni:
As the new year is approaching, I am filled with fear that my life is never going to change. I am not in a relationship and my career is going nowhere. I know I am lucky to have a job but I’ve been getting sick lately a lot and I dread going there in the morning. I work long hours and have no time for a relationship even if I wanted one. I feel trapped and my life feels like it is over.
I don’t know if you can help, but you seem to give good advice to others so this is my last ditched effort to save myself from dying of boredom!
Frustrated in Sedona

Dear Reader:
As we enter this new year of 2011, instead of writing resolutions, perhaps another way of starting the year might be to look at what needs revolution. The word resolve has such a somber quality to it. According to the etymology dictionary online, the word revolution was first recorded in the English language in 1799 and was said to mean “to change a thing completely and fundamentally.” The word revolve comes from the Latin derivative, revolvere, to turn or roll back.

So, perhaps you need to go back to the past to see what beliefs you are holding which need to be reconstructed. Resolution may only approach this at the surface level of the mind and may be why we often don’t keep resolutions because the unconscious fears are never excavated.
You have bought into a mass consciousness that if you have a job, you should just thank your lucky stars. Sometimes the greatest grace people receive is getting fired so they are forced to think outside the box. The media only shows you the people who keep doing the same thing in their unemployment. They send out resumes only to have them rejected for two years and then end up in bankruptcy.
If your job is boring you AND you have no time for a personal life, getting sick is a wake up call. If you keep getting sick, you either need to reinvent the work you are doing or begin volunteering at a non-profit organization while you have a job. Find an issue you really care about and give time to an organization that supports change around that problem. The key is to have passion about something in your life. Step into 2011 as a revolutionary in your own life, who, like our founding fathers, can stand for both personal and global change. As trite as it sounds, your becoming authentic in your life before a crisis hits catalyzes change in the world.

The word LifeQuake means whatever is awakening you to the next level of your evolution. If you take a stand for revolution, your evolution doesn’t have to mean losing it all first to move forward.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am contemplating moving to a new city. I saw your newsletter and column on your facebook page a few months ago and know that you made a big move up north so I thought you might be a good person to ask how to make a transition like that. I am self employed, my work has practically dissolved in Los Angeles and none of my usual tactics for marketing are working to drum up business so I figure I have nothing to lose.

My biggest fear is making friends at this age. I am 45. I do love my long time friends here and am not sure how to go about meeting people in a new place. What do you suggest?
Richard R.

Dear Richard:
I would begin building a bridge from where you are to where you are going. Ask people you know for names of people to contact and then make several visits before moving. You don’t indicate what your work is but you might want to find networking groups oriented toward your work and plan your trips to accommodate them.

Write to the people you were recommended to and ask them about any social or business functions they might invite or recommend you attend and then coordinate your schedule to get the most bang out of your trips. Given that friendship is clearly important to you, evaluate how community focused the people are in the area you are interested in moving to.

Being clear about your values and interests, always pick a place to move to whose culture will support them and you will encourage the smoothest transition and long term satisfaction. Marin County, for example, is very community focused and dedicated to environmental concerns. This was important to me: living in protected nature and having a spiritual community whose beliefs predominantly mirrored my own.

Dear Readers:
Making a point to take one authentic risk every week will revolutionize your life and accelerate your conscious evolution in 2011. Write to me and share your bold adventures!

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For those seeking phone coaching, Dr. Toni can be reached at 310-712-2600. Her book The LifeQuake Phenomenon is available online through Amazon.com.