The LifeQuake Blog

Last night I watched the Emmy's and when Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a comedy series, he said first jokingly and then dead serious, he'd trade his Emmy if he could look like Rob Lowe. Here is a man who has more talent in his left pinky than Rob Lowe ( sorry, Rob but it's true) and he wanted to be the dashing, lean leading man. Now, he has been that in his younger days. Perhaps, his love affair with food ( yes, I've seen him from afar eat with great passion) and weight gain has had an upside to it. I think his acting has far more gravitas now than when he was making films like Prelude to a Kiss and Married to the Mob.

As I was watching the first interview that Oprah did with Whitney Houston today, I found myself wondering about how women in our society deal with power. She portrays herself as the loyal wife but was it loyalty or fear of stepping into her real power, power that comes not from the media and the fans but from the feminine – her own soul. Did it just become too much to live up to as a symbol for young black women? Was bad boy Bobby Brown a self self sabotaging way out of the limelight? Although Oprah seems very comfortable with her iconic status, she continues to struggle with her food addiction. The limelight has become more like a vast flashlight projected by a harsh inquisitor.

If anything has come from the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ted Kennedy is the toll that drugs and alcohol can take. People thought
Dave Chappelle was crazy because he walked away from 50 million dollars and went to Africa. We are a fame driven society and when someone famous thumbs their nose at that much success, we call them crazy. That is real power. To know when you are losing yourself and to be willing to walk away from it without self destruction and re-invent your life on your own terms is real power.

Chappelle may not name it feminine power but it is feminine power. No matter what sex you are, when you listen to your body, your gut instinct no matter what the cost, you are accessing your authentic self. In Jungian psychology, the body is feminine and the mind is the masculine part of all human beings. I actually hope Andy Warhol’s famous prophesy that everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes comes true. Perhaps if enough people experience the dark side of fame, we’ll stop worshipping them as icons and more air time will be given to the people who are genuinely committed to an authentic expression of themselves and who are too busy making a difference in other people’s lives to sit around smoking cocaine and weed.Whitney Houston’s passion for Bobby Brown is a great cautionary tale.

We need icons like Martin Luther King in the limelight now more than ever. Oprah can’t carry the humanitarian banner for celebrities of iconic status alone. The weight of IT is probably what contributes to her own weight issues. But the truth is for us ordinary folks, the best way into recovery from addiction is to become passionate about yourself with yourself in moments of daily silence. That is real intimacy, the real power.

Dr. Toni Galardi is the author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive not Just Survive in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

When Barack Obama got elected as our president, everyone was expecting great change to come to America and I said then, it would depend on us as a mass consciousness, not one man or his administration or even a democratic congress. We are a nation that predominantly fears change if it means we have to disrupt the familiarity of our own lives. We want the world to change and keep our creature comforts in place. Statistically, we know that as the economy is shrinking, addiction is skyrocketing. The first inpatient facility devoted to internet addiction opened recently and that is just one of the many ways people are using external substances to distract themselves from making radical internal changes.

If you really want to see the health care issue resolved, clean up your own health habits. Instead of thinking you need a new job, come up with a new idea People who come to me seeking my advice as a career coach, get panicked over sending hundreds of resumes out and getting nowhere. I cannot tell you how many times I have assisted a client in thinking outside the box as to how to make more money and live even better than when they were working for someone else. Itis common to want to reach for the comfort ( there is that word again) of a paycheck beleiving you have to get a job right away to handle your nut. Six months pass and no job and you’re even worse off. Now you’re depressed and defeated and have no creative energy to consider another way to begin your next career chapter.
Here are some tips for career change in tough economic times:
1) begin the day ( before moving into action) with your eyes closed by visualizing yourself working in an environment where you are happy. you dont need big details right now: just your three must haves like: Here is an affirmation from the Depression era of the 1930’s that people used to have financial breakthroughs when everyone else was buying into the economy: “I am doing joyous work in a joyous way.I give joyous service for joyous pay.”
2) expect success and watch your mind so when self defeating statements begin, you can simply witness them and choose to let them go.

3) Set an intention for looking for evidence that your life is changing in a positive direction. A smile from a stranger, an extra bagel given to you by the guy behind the counter, finding a quarter on the sidewalk. It starts with little pieces of grace and gets bigger as you notice more of that than you do what is lacking in your life.

4) Before you go to sleep at night, scan the day for moments when you felt enthusiasm. write it down. then ask your unconscious to bring you a dream that guides you toward your next step. Many famous inventors and scientists discovered the solutions to problems in a dream. When you awaken, write down anything you remember, even if it doesn’t make sense yet. Set an intention for your mind to be open to new ideas throughout the day. A great idea may come from over hearing a conversation in line at the local coffee house.

5) Count your blessings three times over the course of the day. In the middle east, they stop and pray five times a day, well there is something to be said by this.

Look for signs of change. Autumn is just around the corner!

Dr. Toni Galardi is a career coach, columnist and author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

The topic of this week’s five minute tip is “Celebrating Aging”.

I have resisted writing about Michael Jackson. Not because I didn’t have my own opinions about what really killed him but it seemed so opportunistic to weigh in when so much has already been said. I questioned rather my take was an offering or not and then I realized how much he represents an archetype in the American psyche that I think is hurting us all, actually.

I don’t know the real details of his childhood but I surmise that there was trauma that left him never able to really grow up. Whatever he did or didn’t do to the various children who stayed with him, I honestly think he really saw himself as their peer. Making the transition into adulthood usually comes in one’s thirties. It is reported that the cosmetic surgeries began in the late 80’s at a time when he was entering his thirties. This is when he started to really get crazy. The reports are that there were 10 surgeries by 1990. It is also reported that he suffered from body dysmorphia – distorted negative perception of one’s body.

Like people who suffer from anorexia, there is an arrest in development in childhood where the individual never sees themselves as an adult. Like the J.M. Barrie story of Peter Pan, Michael never grew up. Jungian therapists have blogged about Michael as the archetype of the puer aeternus, (eternal adloescent)

What I haven’t seen written about is who is this eternal adolescent that imprisoned Michael that also lives inside of many of us? In western society, we have become hell bent on staying youthful in appearance and attitude. Anti aging medicine and the practices of cosmetic surgeons are booming. We loathe wrinkles and now both middle aged men and women are seeking sexual partners twenty years younger for the “youthenizing” effects it has on one’s sense of self. How anyone deludes themselves into thinking they are younger because they are peering into the face of a younger partner says so much about our society’s addiction to perfection.

And so we come to the subject of addiction. Michael was quoted as saying on a number of occasions how lonely he felt in life, how painful it was to be him. And so, he found a way to numb that pain with medication. The lives of great artists who followed a similar path are numerous but I think it bears a moment of contemplation to look at one’s own self rejection if you are aging. What distractions/addictions are you using to avoid confronting the decay of your body?

There is nothing wrong with adopting a healthy lifestyle to be the healthiest middle to older age person you can be. However, how much time do you spend on your inner life? Meditation, daily contemplation, connection to the soul all lead to wisdom through the enhancement of one’s intuition. Part of accepting aging is accepting the end of cycles. We have had this massive cultural belief that our economic life, our relationships, and yes, our bodies should forever be in harvest. That there should be no winter, no honoring of death that brings new life if you allow it. And maybe that’s the core of it. We fear death so we fear change. Embracing the aging process is a celebration of the elder archetype. It does mean examining what is at the heart of what we most fear about looking older: not being loved anymore.

So here’s this week’s tip: Take a few minutes in solitude. Look at where you fear or judge looking older. Where do you hold that fear in your body? Breathe into that fear until a feeling of surrender and peace replaces it. This peace is the beginning of real self love: as you are and as you will become as you face the inevitable year by year.

Last night I was watching an old documentary of Judy Garland. One of the narrators who had once been head of CBS commented that she was the greatest entertainer of the twentieth century. She had exceptional abilities as a singer, dancer, and actor. The narrator also made the observation that her vulnerability is what endeared her to an audience. She held nothing back. Her interpretation of a song had such heart and she also let it all hang out in television interviews as well. She told the truth, her truth of course, as a great raconteur, but she didn’t craft a story just to make herself look good. She didn’t hide and people loved her for it, and yet “she could hit a song like a guy, with the command that Sinatra brought to his music.”

I thought about this as I heard Berry Gordy refer to Michael Jackson as being the greatest entertainer that ever lived. Two people who were loved by their fans, their family and friends, and had long time drug addiction issues. Although Michael was extremely vulnerable inside, he wore a mask, literally and figuratively. He hid so much of himself and as he got older, the secrets got bigger, and the addiction more pervasive.

What gave both of their performances on stage such power was in part ( at least on the emotional level) that vulnerability. The greatest performance artists of our time have it and few escaped addiction. The paradox of what it takes to reach an audience and what it costs you (if you are that vulnerable) is tremendous. Being in the spotlight with all eyes on you with the public’s incredibly ridiculous projections contrast so greatly with how the individual who is a “sensitive” feels on the inside. To be an icon who the public can identify with requires access to the little guy inside and yet this child part has no coping skills for the demand of always being on display. Alcohol, pills, and heavy narcotics become the way that this child part finds to shut out the world and all its expectations.

I think that the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett ( another highly sensitive star who had once had some addiction issues) are shining the light on addiction, but they pose another cautionary lesson. To be a leader whether that is in the entertainment business, politics, religious institutions, or corporate America is to bring your authentic self to the people. The evolution of our consciousness is demanding that all “the masks and gloves” be ripped off of anyone in the public eye who purports to be one thing and keeps another shame ridden self deep in the cellar of the subconscious. Although we are seeing this “uncovery” through people like Jackson, Ted Haggart, and Governor Sanford, we too are being called to step out of the shadows.

Every human being has a part of themselves that is the child, that is vulnerable and scared at times. It is time for us all, not just our leaders, to attend to that child. To listen without judgement to its fears rather than sedating or numbing out its cries. When we invoke within ourselves a good parent to take care of the child, authenticity comes easier and so do boundaries. When the child part of us is not abandoned by us through substance abuse, food, and a myriad of distractions such as internet addictions, we can handle the judgements of the world and give the child what it really needs: love from the self not fleeting adulation from others. And to be a good parent means to say to the child: “loving you sometimes means telling you no.” “No, you can’t spend more than you have, eat more than you need to be healthy, or sacrifice sleep to get more done in a day.

I have great hope for America. We have come far since the days of Bill Clinton who did not trust himself or the people to come clean with his addictions. In the few months since he has been in office, Barack Obama has taken full responsibility for mistakes made. A perfect president? Far from it. However, I do think he is more authentic than anyone we’ve seen in office yet so it is for us to take our masks off first to ourselves and peer into our own deepest shadow and let the world see us: good, bad, and ugly. Every time you allow vulnerability without shame, every time you allow vulnerability through self deprecating humor, you stand for a healed relationship with your emotions and you provide a leadership to whomever is listening to you: your children, your community, your co-workers. This is the key to America’s recovery.

Thanks to reality tv, everyone wants overnight celebrity driven success. Andy Warhol said prophetically, eventually, everyone would be famous for 15 minutes. What if we stopped seeking the spotlight and replaced it with our inner light? It could be the key to feeling strong through vulnerability. If what we are seeking is to give the world our light, our full potential self, there is no need to buffer ourselves with addictive substances because there would be no disparity between what shines through you and what is you. This is the real stardom…

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and author of her new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

Bail Out.  Webster defines this two ways: To obtain someone’s release. To post security. So I was thinking about what that might mean for ourselves. What would it mean to psychologically or even spiritually bail out ourselves?  Recently, a client came back to see me who had bailed her parents out by taking care of them both physically and financially for several months. The net effect of this was that she had practically bankrupted herself physically, emotionally and financially.

This got me to thinking about what does it mean “to post security or obtain someone else’s release” at the expense of your own and how prevalent is this as a sort of national personality tendency in the U.S.? I mean after all, the Statue of Liberty’s mission statement ( if she had one) set us up over 100 years ago to be pretty co-dependent, don’t you think? Listen to these words –
“give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”  Aren’t we Americans constantly bailing out somebody in the world?  So what would it mean if we made a daily practice of bailing out ourselves? Now, I don’t mean just eating right and actually using your gym membership. I mean what would it mean to actually check into your gut when someone asks you for a favor? What would it mean to check in with your heart when the school wants you to volunteer one more time when you are already overscheduled at work and church? What would it mean to check in with your bank account when your kids want to go out to eat and after all its’ Friday and you don’t want to cook anyway?  If the quantum physicists are correct and everything that happens to one, effects the whole, when we abandon ourselves to peer pressure, or guilt from our kids, there is a kind of emotional bankruptcy that translates into a national phenomenon. There’s a term in holistic medicine for adrenal burnout – ‘tired wired’. It is a well known fact that we are a sleep deprived nation so what is the effect of borrowing from the night and putting ourselves into long term energy debt? Is this a metaphor for the energy shortage of gas and fuel?

So my prescription for us all if we want to stop being forced to bail out the Wall Street titans is to stop overextending ourselves in our own lives first. That Reagan slogan for youth drug prevention “ Just say no” is fitting as we go into another recession. Say no to your kids, say no to your boss’ 70 hour work week demand, but most importantly say no to the voice in your head that is constantly pushing you to do more, more, more. Perhaps the gift inside this economic LifeQuake is that in cutting back our expenses, we’ll gear down the hyperactivity and actually be more present to life. I’m sure our nervous systems will be eternally grateful. And then maybe, just maybe we’ll get more sleep too…

Dr. Toni Galardi, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

In an article coming out of The Telegraph, a British newspaper, a journalist reported that a prominent Pakistani doctor and his 93 relatives, most prominent professionals in Saidu Sharif, Swat had to flee from the Taliban and live with a family member packed into five rooms spread between two houses. Now it's true that they had all previously lived together in a compound consisting of seven houses but do you know anyone who has two homes who would take in 93 relatives in exile?

A friend of mine, Martin Rutte who co-wrote Chicken Soup for the Soul at Work contributed to my new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon. One of his pet projects is a foundation he calls Project Heaven on Earth. One of the steps is to think back on a time when you experienced heaven on earth. Allow your body to fully remember what that felt like. I was feeling a little low today so I decided to think about that and what came to me when I did this exercise today was my wedding day. Now, what is interesting to me about that is I am now divorced and have been for a number of years. I married young and outgrew the relationship after 8 years.