The LifeQuake Blog

Bail Out.  Webster defines this two ways: To obtain someone’s release. To post security. So I was thinking about what that might mean for ourselves. What would it mean to psychologically or even spiritually bail out ourselves?  Recently, a client came back to see me who had bailed her parents out by taking care of them both physically and financially for several months. The net effect of this was that she had practically bankrupted herself physically, emotionally and financially.

This got me to thinking about what does it mean “to post security or obtain someone else’s release” at the expense of your own and how prevalent is this as a sort of national personality tendency in the U.S.? I mean after all, the Statue of Liberty’s mission statement ( if she had one) set us up over 100 years ago to be pretty co-dependent, don’t you think? Listen to these words –
“give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”  Aren’t we Americans constantly bailing out somebody in the world?  So what would it mean if we made a daily practice of bailing out ourselves? Now, I don’t mean just eating right and actually using your gym membership. I mean what would it mean to actually check into your gut when someone asks you for a favor? What would it mean to check in with your heart when the school wants you to volunteer one more time when you are already overscheduled at work and church? What would it mean to check in with your bank account when your kids want to go out to eat and after all its’ Friday and you don’t want to cook anyway?  If the quantum physicists are correct and everything that happens to one, effects the whole, when we abandon ourselves to peer pressure, or guilt from our kids, there is a kind of emotional bankruptcy that translates into a national phenomenon. There’s a term in holistic medicine for adrenal burnout – ‘tired wired’. It is a well known fact that we are a sleep deprived nation so what is the effect of borrowing from the night and putting ourselves into long term energy debt? Is this a metaphor for the energy shortage of gas and fuel?

So my prescription for us all if we want to stop being forced to bail out the Wall Street titans is to stop overextending ourselves in our own lives first. That Reagan slogan for youth drug prevention “ Just say no” is fitting as we go into another recession. Say no to your kids, say no to your boss’ 70 hour work week demand, but most importantly say no to the voice in your head that is constantly pushing you to do more, more, more. Perhaps the gift inside this economic LifeQuake is that in cutting back our expenses, we’ll gear down the hyperactivity and actually be more present to life. I’m sure our nervous systems will be eternally grateful. And then maybe, just maybe we’ll get more sleep too…

Dr. Toni Galardi, author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

Many great writers have spoken and written about the challenges of choosing to become a writer as a vocational path. Making a comfortable living at it is practically like winning the lotto. Further, when you’ve been doing something else as a career that you were academically trained for and was able to support yourself doing, it really seems illogical. Then if you add in a bad economy, choosing to be an artist  without a patron or parents to support you, there are those who would say (like my aging parents) that as a career choice, it borders on psychotic.

The writer Marilyn Ferguson ( whose seminal work The Aquarian Conspiracy may have jump started The Human Potential Movement in the 70’s) once told me while I was interviewing her for my book many years ago, ” A writer writes because they cannot not do it.” I held onto those words  through the years of many rejections of my book proposals to New York publishers. When I finally decided to just write the book,  I realized I now had the freedom to write the book that was in me not the one that could be marketable, and it was liberating!

I kept my day job as a therapist part time and lived very simply. When it came time to edit the book, I knew I needed an editor to help me who could give it a major hair cut without losing the unique style that was my own. The good news bad news about that was that she told me we had to cut about 70 pages of material. She told me it would be like “killing my proverbial babies”. Very soon into the process I realized I had to let go of my practice for awhile to do this project with full commitment.

Two weeks after I made that decision and we had begun, Wall Street quaked and the reality of the country’s economic crisis really hit. I continued, encouraged that my book would come out at the perfect time. In the ensuing nine months I have spent a staggering amount of money on editing, self publishing, and PR for this book. As I turned my attention back to my private practice,it too was not so easy to restimulate. It is growing, but slowly. Is the book a bestseller yet? No, far from it. 

I now have to invest in internet marketing and am in a learning curve about social communities, SEO’s, guest blogging, etc  The point is I may never make a lucrative living as a writer and it has been costly and time consuming and in spite of all that, I have no regrets about embarking on this journey. In the past three years of writing consistently, I have become a writer not just an author and there is no way to put a dollar value on the emotional satisfaction of learning a new skill in mid life.

I took a week off and did no blogging, newsletter, article writing of any kind.I needed to refill the well but surprisingly, I felt a little guilty and more importantly, I missed it. Along the way of my quest to get this message of LifeQuake (that you can thrive in the midst of career transition, tough economic times and a life in total chaos) I got something for myself, a deep intimate relationship with my own words and the muse “from who knows where” who inspires me. What grace!

Dr. Toni Galardi is the author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She is also a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and advice columnist. She can be reached through her website, http://www. LifeQuake.net or her office 310-712-2600.

Last week on Oprah’s show they explored how to talk to your children about sex and Dr. Laura Berman said something that provoked a huge response in the audience: that parents should give their daughters permission to masturbate. She went so far as to say that at 15or 16, introduce a vibrator. She asserted that if we teach young girls to take their power back around sexuality, they won’t be dependent on boys for their pleasure and confuse the good feelings they get from being pleasured by a boy with love.

Although Oprah was completely on board with this, Gayle was against it. She asserted one of the most sexist things I’ve ever heard on this show: that it is ok for boys to masturbate because they are more sexually driven as teenagers. Well, I can tell you that as a child growing up in the 70’s where sexual mores had changed dramatically, I lived in a home where I was taught sex was for marriage.  I drove all my chaotic, sexual feelings into food and between the ages of 13-15, gained 40 pounds. I remember having sexual arousal but not knowing what to do with it, my stress management technique was to eat cookies instead. How many girls who aren’t dating is this also true for? In the words of Dr. Toni Grant:  “Food is a good girl’s sex.”

But I digress. Getting back to Gayle and the Oprah show. Gayle has made no bones about mentioning her love for food.  Why is it ok to derive pleasure from food but not from our own bodies? If a teenage girl sat down at a great meal and ate from pleasure, Gayle (and many people in America who agree with her) would be fine with that but it is not ok to have that pleasure come from touching ourselves.  Unfortunately,  Dr. Berman did not go far enough. Although masturbation is part of the pleasure, what we aren’t taught is how to touch ourselves lovingly all over our bodies.

And here’s the irony: Food when eaten to excess produces childhood obesity, diabetes, and a host of other health issues. The last I heard, stroking your own body does not make you go blind! Nor does it produce weight gain.  In Ashley Montagu’s seminal work first published in 1971, Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin, he shares with the reader the studies that were done that support how critical being touched is to healthy human functioning and as an extension, to the ability to bond with another.  

My take on this is that when we are not touched, food becomes the safe  mother. The mother who gives us unconditional love.

When a teenage girl is given permission in her formative years to have intimacy with herself first, she does not reach out to find it indiscriminately with a boy, another adolescent most probably incapable of giving her what she truly needs. He can’t because he is being driven by the mother lode of testosterone into focusing his desire for sexual release.  If girls had another avenue for nurturing themselves, they wouldn’t be as driven to make food their lover. It is time for us to move beyond this puritan schizophrenia we have that allows kids to see soft porn scenes in day- time soap operas while at the same time making a physical relationship with our own bodies forbidden.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon. Her website address is www.LifeQuake.net. She is also available for consultation at 310-712-2600.

The media is scaring the heck out of people and some of that is good. We’ve been needing  to get out of denial and wake up to the fact that we’ve been overextending ourselves financially in this country. However, what I’ve been seeing in my practice is a paralysis and an increase in addictive behaviors to numb out from the overwhelming fear people have that the entire country is going belly up. So I am here TO BRING THE GOOD NEWS!!!!

1) Getting rid of the clutter.  The big buzz word right now is CHANGE. But for most of us that translates as LOSS. Take an inventory of everything in your surroundings that is de-funct and obsolete.

To be successful now you have to create small changes where you can see improvement immediately.   To get in the spirit of change you have to get rid of the dead-weight. There is no room to move into new if you are surrounded by stuff that is not life giving.  What is old and useless? Take inventory of what is de-functional. For chicks it is the closet, your wardrobe, expiration labels on foods and medicine in the pantry, and the garage.  Then move to your desk at home and at the office.
Now go on to your habits. What habits are dead-weight for you? What about people?

2) Make a list of all the things you fear are going to happen to you in your economic LifeQuake. Now one by one, say each of them out loud. Notice where you feel the  anxiety in your body:  is it in your throat, your gut, or your heart? Breathe into that place.  Keep breathing there until it releases.

3) Now, ask yourself what is one thing I could do today that would simplify my life and put more money in my hands? Cut your cell phone expenses, shop at thrift stores. Have a garage sale. Take your lunch to the office. Buy some used free weights and get rid of your gym membership, etc.

4) Make a list of five changes you will initiate that will kick off Spring as a true breath of fresh air.

People are not sleeping well these days. My clients complain about it, my friends complain about it, and even my parents complain about it. As a former insomniac, I thought I should give some tips in today’s blog about how to resolve this important issue. Lack of sleep ages the body like no other lifestyle factor.  It lowers the immune system and interferes with the REM sleep phase which is so important to dreaming (even if you don’t remember dreaming, dreaming is essential to health). Lack of sleep is also the number one cause of auto accidents, and it retards one’s ability to adapt to daily stress.

Here are some tips that work for me:
1) Force yourself to turn off the TV and computer at least one hour before bed.
2) Go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at relatively the same time every morning, even on weekends.
3) Listen to soothing music and read books or magazines that are not disturbing but are uplifting.
4)  Do some kind of cardio work-out at least five days a week earlier in the day.
5) Eat complex carbohydrates like rice, pasta, or potatoes at dinner. It increases serotonin, the chemical that calms the brain.
6) I have found for me, one milligram of melatonin one half hour before bed really helps. Some people find taking tryptophan, an amino acid promotes sleep naturally.
7) Scan the day you just completed. Take note of what your emotional state was at every point in the day.  Now using your awareness, scan your body from head to toe. Wherever there is pain, breathe into it until you start to feel it release a little.
8) Count your blessings instead of sheep as you drift off to dream land…

As a change expert and crisis management consultant, I am often asked by journalists, “Is what is going on with Wall Street, a LifeQuake? ”  My answer is always the same: “It depends.”

In September, as I was finishing the final edits on my book, the newspaper headline read,  “Wall Street Quakes!” and I thought, oh, it has begun. For some people, the stock market crashing meant the end of their life savings, for some, the end of a dream to retire, and for others it meant a crossroads.

A LifeQuake is not a mere crisis but an awakening to a new level of consciousness that can come from a crisis.
So for some, who use this crisis to learn how to adapt to change on the spin of a dime, the stock market going up and down can be a lot like our emotions over the course of the day. Do you react to every event that you didn’t expect from fear or do you respond with the attitude that somewhere in this upheaval there is good? If we declare that no matter what happens, we are always winning, it doesn’t matter how the outer events unfold, you will experience your life as a winner. On the other hand, if your happiness is dependent on the DOW instead of the other Dow spelled “ Tao” that teaches us all that peace and security is always available, then your life and your inner state will always be like its own personal stock market: a rollercoaster.

Further, you will get trapped in seeing Wall Street as your Holy Grail instead of discovering the purpose of all this chaos – to know you are safe and secure no matter how life shows up and that love is all that really matters.  As someone who has lost everything a couple times over, I can tell you from personal experience that this economic crisis can take us from loss to liberation.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and the author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How To Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. To order her new book or read her blog, go to www.LifeQuake.net.

Factually speaking, we’re in the last days of winter.  The spring equinox officially begins in the western hemisphere at 4:44 AM PDT Mar 20. However, when I listen to people in my private practice and community, I sense that Spring is going to be delayed this year so I am continuing in this blog to give you tools for what to do in your own personal “winter of discontent”. In my book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon, this is all encapsulated in chapter two as stage two of a LifeQuake.

There is a feeling in the country of anxiety and emotional paralysis. Everyone is waiting for the next guy to stimulate the economy. Now, I’m not saying go out and spend money you don’t have to get the economy going. What I am saying is that if you feel frozen to take any action in your life, change from within. Go even deeper into non-doing.  Spend 15 minutes a day in quiet. As you inhale, bring the oxygen all the way down into your gut.  As you focus on your breath, put your hand over your heart and imagine your hand is a wand of light that is radiating all the fear you are feeling, transforming it into peace. Now, go to the top of your head with your awareness and set an intention for your crown to open and receive light from the universe – the sun, the air, all of nature, etc. Believe it or not, you can be inside your office or home and still have access to this source. Once you feel calm, ask the question, what is one thing I can do today that I don’t normally do that will support my life?

The temptation when we feel paralyzed is to self soothe through food, sex, alcohol, surfing the net for hours, etc. While in stage two, so much amazing healing work can be done if we allow ourselves to turn within for comfort; simply by partnering universal consciousness with our own breath and heart. Tomorrow I will give you some techniques for remembering your dreams and using the dream recall to prepare for change.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Santa Monica, Ca and is the author of the newly published book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to thrive (not just survive)in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

In yesterday’s blog I gave a technique that can assist you in preparing for change. Transforming the misperception that change means loss is the first step in recognizing when it is time to make a change. Once you have changed this core belief into one that allows you to embrace change as gain, you can then proceed to step 2.

Step 2 involves observation. Observe everything you experience in your life all day long in terms of the emotions they trigger. The first stage that begins the onset of a LifeQuake (the chaos that comes with your soul awakening to its next level of evolution) is boredom. When a cycle of our lives is closing and we cannot grow any longer in the form that it is in (ie. relationship, career, health habits, etc.), the first symptom that shows up is boredom. On the emotional tone scale, ecstasy is at the top, despair is at the bottom, and boredom is in the middle.  Boredom is considered a transition emotion. If you begin to assess what you are bored with as well as what interests you now, (instead of trying to artificially stimulate excitement through sex, drugs or alcohol for example), there are clues to your next destiny.

By observing where your emotions move up the emotional tone scale from boredom to let’s say, mild interest you can see what is beginning to enliven you now.  When I work with a client either by phone or in person, I always suggest doing this exercise for three weeks. Keep a tape recorder or pad of paper with you and quickly make a note of billboards you are drawn to, colors that attract you now, television programs, movies, conversations that you found particularly compelling, etc. Next to the description of what you were interested in, note the specific feeling it evoked.

After three weeks of observing what interests you in your life now, enlist the aid of a friend or coach to assess what connects the dots of your interests and write a paragraph describing a kind of vocation or lifestyle that would most enliven you now. Place it on your desk and spend five minutes a day envisioning yourself inside the life that best represents some or all of the elements most common to the theme you discovered when you connected the dots of your interests. You don’t have to know specific details such as the career that most expresses what gives your life meaning. It is enough to envision a kind of environment you want to work or live in, such as with a team of people or outdoors in nature and then allow the feeling you want to have inside that career or relationship to emerge and feel it with every fiber of your being, for five minutes.  Although it may seem far away, ‘the visionary life” cannot be had until you dare to dream it.  In the next blog, I will discuss how to acknowledge and dignify the dying of the life you are still in that is coming to an end.

Dr. Toni Galardi, better known as “The LifeQuake Doctor” is a change expert, psychotherapist, and columnist. Her new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive )in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval is now available through online publishers and through her website www.LifeQuake.net.

I notice that on mornings that I don’t start the day with meditation, my thinking process is so much more rigid. It seems to be like dominos.  If I jump out of bed and begin by moving fast, it revs my nervous system. In a hyper state, my mind seems to think in more negative terms. The more wired I am, the poorer my food choices are, the less good fuel I have for my brain and the less agile my mind is in handling unexpected challenges or crises.

When I start the day by breathing into my diaphragm and opening myself to get more oxygen into my body, I find that my mind expands and creative ideas come pouring in. When I get up from a sitting posture, I’m more centered, moving more slowly, and the choices I make for my breakfast are more nourishing.  I then find myself to be more present, focused, and loving with my friends and clients.  I then am more prone to use meditation tools in my coaching.  I also am a much better problem solver and able to change course in my schedule if need be more easily.

As I was watching President Obama’s address last night to the bi-partisan room, I couldn’t help but think, if  the various factions of our government could only meditate together, we could make a huge leap in thinking outside the box together.  Perhaps each of us citizens meditating could be like a good virus that infects us all with peace and then change in our own lives might not be that hard after all and the last domino becomes all of humanity.  Just from meditating for five minutes a day…

Dr. Toni Galardi  is a crisis management coach  and psychotherapist. Her new book on adapting to change  The LIfeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Change is now available through her website http: www.LifeQuake.net.

With good reason, lately all eyes have been on our President and his much-anticipated stimulus package.  The lion’s share of January was spent on news regarding the creation of a somewhat surprisingly bi-partisan cabinet, including a little controversy on Hilary Clinton and her competition for the Secretary of State position with our new vice-president, Joe Biden. Most of what has been written about the President’s wife had to do with her wardrobe, what she wore to the inaugural, how she needs a stylist, etc.

What has gotten a lot less press is the issue of the First Lady’s own mission – to inspire children to become successful by giving back to their communities. When I read in Slate Magazine how this message to kids to become civically involved because her own road to success and had come from her community involvement in an otherwise, unremarkable middle class childhood I jumped for joy. In the last stage of my LifeQuake model for helping people master change, I talk about how once you are not afraid of change in your own life, the natural extension is to become an agent of change in the world.  When I was writing the last chapter of my book and doing research on altruism (giving selflessly to help others), I was surprised and delighted to discover how much solid research exists. There are so many benefits psychologically, physically, and even financially to being a humanitarian. Our First Lady is definitely a reflection of how “I do good” becomes “I feel good when I do good.”  The President may have a daytime Dream Team in the White House, but I would guess that the woman he sleeps with is making his night time dreams a better reality for us all.

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book is called The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval available on pre-order through her website www.LifeQuake.net.