The LifeQuake Blog

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. ~Tom Robbins

Valentine’s Day can bring up such triggers for women and perhaps a few gay men. For most of the rest of the population ( straight men) it is completely insignificant unless they have a partner and will have hell to pay if they forget this holiday. Case in point: last year when my publisher and I were deciding when to release my first book, I mentioned that given that it is not a relationship book, I wanted to do it after Valentine’s Day. He said, “When is Valentine’s Day, March?”

For a woman however who has any love addiction issues and is not in a relationship or is with a man who hates holidays, this can be a painful one meant to simply get through. Ala, my LifeQuake Model, I thought this might be a great opportunity to use a holiday to transform that longing into an experience that is healing. And men, all men could benefit from these tips as well!

By definition, a LifeQuake involves cracking open outdated beliefs and programs so that the organism can be authentically real. This relates to individuals, organizations, a society, and yes, even a holiday.

I propose we crack open Valentine’s Day and expand out of this notion that it belongs to lovers. St. Valentine was a priest and the legend around him came out of all the cards that were sent to him in prison by the local community in protest for his arrest and subsequent martyrdom. So, this was originally a humanitarian gesture. What if we were to make it a day for giving love, period. All kinds of love. Well, in order to truly experience this day with love, it begins with ourselves.

1) Instead of buying a box of chocolates that the cashier thinks is for your mate and starting your day with sugar sedation, try stopping at a juice bar and give yourself a smoothie chocked full of anti-oxidants. The energy it will give you will make you feel vibrant. As they say, each action begets the next action. With plenty of energy, you will feel empowered to go to the gym or do an exercise routine that will get your endorphins going, high endorphins are great love chemicals!

2) With this physical support, you will be brimming with self love. You’re on a roll. Buy yourself the flowers you would have wanted from a mate. I have found that most Valentines Days that I spent in a romantic partnership, I was less than impressed by the posies brought to me by my beloved. I like yellow roses, white roses, and lavender roses but I do not like red roses so buy them yourself.

3) Call all your single friends and wish them Happy Cupid Day. A phone call as novel as it may seem, far exceeds a text message or an email in extending a sincere holiday greeting.

4) Call your mother or an elderly woman you know who doesn’t have a husband and make her day. And yes, of course you can extend this to your dad, brother, or grandfather. (Those of you who are in romantic relationships need not be told to reach out to your lover… hopefully)

5) Everyone’s first experience of Valentine’s Day was as a child, giving home made or Hallmark valentines to your first grade class. We rarely think of the fact that there are children right here in this country whose families are too poor to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Keeping in the spirit of the LifeQuake Model stage seven, part of altruism is giving love on a large scale to a non-profit organization. One such organization focuses on The Appalachian children right here in this country where one in five children live in abject poverty. “Actress, author and mother Julianne Moore today announced a special initiative with Save the Children that will allow people across the nation to print and email custom cards to friends and loved ones this Valentine’s Day in return for a donation to the charity. The initiative comes on the heels of Moore’s visit to see Save the Children’s work in one of the poorest, most remote communities in the mountains of Appalachia, where Save the Children has worked for more than 75 years.”

6) When we smile, we increase both dopamine and serotonin in our neurotransmitters so we get the benefit and the hunger for love is transformed by the giving of love. Make eye contact with strangers and extend the non-verbal universal sign of love. And then, do it again on Feb 15, Feb 16th, Feb 17… you get my drift…

Dr. Toni Galardi is a public speaker, psychotherapist, columnist, and the author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive Not Just Survive in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She can be reached through her offfice at 310- 712-2600 or http://www.LifeQuake.net.

In the course of 24 hours, one friend and one client shared with me stories of what happens when you reach out to a complete stranger in need, even when it means you’ll be late for your next appointment. The first story began a few weeks ago. It is told in its entirety in the following articles, the second link is a slide show done by a photographer for the L.A. Times.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bessie16-2009oct16,0,7618199.story

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bessie-vid,0,6819231.htmlstory

Now, what is telling about this story is, he could have just given this homeless woman and her children money and have been on his way. He went a step further – he wrote to every staff writer at The LA Times until one took interest and it ended up on the front page.

The second story occurred a few days ago at 4th and Wilshire in Santa Monica, Ca. A wealthy woman had just come out of a building from seeing her accountant. Dressed “au currant” down to her Christian Louboutin shoes, she happened to hear frantic cries coming from a bus parked near by. The bus driver was trying to assist a 70 year old man who had fallen badly and had a gash in his leg so deep that he was bleeding profusely. The bus driver had attempted to stop the blood to no avail. My friend immediately instructed him to move the man to the park bench from the bus steps and get his leg elevated. She then reapplied the make shift tourniquet tighter until the paramedics got there. As she recounted the story to me, she joked, ” I guess all those House episodes I watched, have paid off!”

Here are two busy middle aged professional people who took the time to do the right thing. What struck me about this is that others have heralded them as heroes. Yes, it is heroic to choose altruism over self concerns but it made me think, has the bar been lowered so much on our humanity that when we choose to be the good samaritan it is seen as extraordinary? In many tribal cultures, they would look at us strangely for this. In those cultures, reaching out to anyone in need is quite ordinary and reasonable.

In the last chapter of my new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon I address the idea that once we master the fear of change and learn to adapt more easily to it, we can move into becoming an agent of change. I included a lot of data that suggests that acting altruistically is not only good for your immune system ( which it is), increases dopamine and endorphins ( which it does), but perhaps because of this is actually an evolutionary survival mechanism. Those who concern themselves for others, even when it is an inconvenience or a sacrifice, have the best shot at evolving. Historically, we know that selfish cultures die out but on a purely personal level, if you want to thrive in these difficult times, do something selfless for a complete stranger every day ( however small a gesture) and see your life transform. If we all take this on, the whole world will evolve but more importantly, you will end every day happier, I promise you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a career coach, columnist, public speaker, and the recent author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

Last night I was interviewed on Tom Cox’s radio show “Tom on Leadership” on the subject of procrastination. It got a huge response. My newsletter “Dr. Toni’s Five Minute Tips” also got a huge response so am including it here in my blog as well Tom’s blog which includes his summary of the four speakers on the subject. I have also included a link for downloading the whole show.

http://blog.thomasbcox.com/2009/09/procrastination-special.html

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Tom-on-Leadership/2009/09/22/Special-on-Procrastination

Procrastination – Habit or Addiction?

“Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy.”
Wayne Gretsky (world famous hockey player)

An interesting synchronicity occurred for me last week. I was asked to be on Tom Cox’s radio show on the same day I received an email from a reader of my advice column at Vision magazine, both wanting my advice on how to deal with procrastination.

The irony here is that I put off writing my column and my newsletter this week until the last possible minute! Why do we procrastinate? Is it the fear of success or the fear of failure? I actually think it goes deeper than that. Most people think they procrastinate because they are just lazy or undisciplined.

I don’t think there is one answer for the why of this habit but I do think, most procrastinators share one belief: the fear of the unknown. If fear of success is truly about low self esteem and therefore self sabotage, at its heart is a small vision of what is possible. If you cannot hold a vision of yourself accomplishing tasks that lead to the expression of your full potential self, it is probably because you believe that operating from your full potential self is too much work, too much responsibility. If you wait until the very last minute to get things done, however, the deadline looming will propel you forward as a means of avoiding the pain that comes with the consequences of not doing rather than the doing of the task. In a way, it is all about avoiding pain, now or later.

As someone who is a survivor of three near fatal experiences, I can tell you that when it comes to putting off the big tasks like life change, it can kill you or create lots of trauma and drama. My first near fatal experience happened because I needed to leave a job that no longer served me. I kept putting it off because I didn’t know what I was going to do to support myself and so an addict in the facility I was working in on skid row solved my problem: he flipped out and almost strangled me to death.

In incidence #2 , it involved a marriage I needed to leave and so I brought in three car accidents, and #3 was environmental poisoning in my home ( intuitively I knew I needed to move out a year before).

If we dont carry a big vision of ourselves and what we are capable of, we seek only comfort, the comfort in the short term of delaying making decisions. Isn’t this like so many addictions, the drive to not feel pain. So how does one go into recovery for procrastination addiction?

Here are some tips:
1) Go back to your earliest memory of a decision you made that didn’t turn out as you wanted. Was it trying out for sports, turning in a school assignment you had really worked hard on, or telling someone you had a crush on, that you liked them? As you recall this event, where do you feel the emotion in your body? Now, focus your breath on this spot. As you keep breathing into it, allow your body to surrender and receive your breath just as you would if you were stretching a muscle that was tight. As the feeling begins to change, notice what feeling is replacing it. Now think of a time that you committed to something 100% and it produced your desired effect. For example, you ate healthy and exercised and your body got stronger. Place that feeling of mastery in your non-dominant hand, the one you don’t’ write with. Take your hand and place it over the spot in your body that once held the fear of commitment. This will anchor that feeling.

2) Take one area of your life that you need to make a decision about that has the lowest level of anxiety connected to it. If you need to make a career change and have been dragging your feet because you don’t want to do the same thing you’ve been doing and you don’t know what you are passionate about, do one little thing like pay attention to everything you encounter in a day that produces great enthusiasm or even mild interest. Keep a journal of all of it. Risking change through deciding begins with experiencing a good feeling around low level change like just committing to observation.

3) Commit to 15 minutes a day of quiet contemplation. No tv, computer, or even reading. Sitting still and centering yourself through the breath work of step one from above and then asking the question of your intuition: what step would you have me take next? All you need to know is the next step. The answer may come right away or it may come spontaneously when you are doing something else like a house – hold chore or as you wake up from a dream. The key is to know that you don’t have to know the five year plan, just the next step. Healing the addiction to procrastination requires tolerance for the unknown future. If you focus just on the truth of the next step, you become more oriented toward the journey of life rather than an end goal. Remember, when you take your last breath on earth, your thoughts will be on did I give it my all, not, did I make all the right choices?

As we enter the season of harvest tomorrow, the summer cycle is officially ending. Perhaps today is the day you take on one ineffective habit or task you’ve been putting off and experience the opportunity that procrastination has buried.

For more on this subject, listen in tonight Sept 21 at 8:00 PM when Tom Cox interviews four thought leaders on this subject. I am on first from 8:00 – 8:15.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Tom-on-Leadership/2009/09/22/Special-on-Procrastination

call in number is (347) 838-8279.

And for those who wish personal consultation or to make direct contact with me, call:
PHONE: 310-712-2600
EMAIL: DrToni@LifeQuake.net
Sincerely,
Dr. Toni Galardi
“The LifeQuake Doctor”

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I have not lived.”
Henry Thoreau (1817-1862)

I took August off to recharge my batteries. After writing continually for three years on my new book and then articles to support it the last few months, it was time for a break. I didn’t go anywhere. I just rested more at home. For me, recharging my batteries involves periodic retreat from being in high performance. It allows me to then embrace gearing up again for a new cycle. Did you manage to get any down time over the summer?

As we enter mid September, my thoughts turn to my favorite season – Autumn, the season of change.

This season so fits with today’s topic – Preparing for the end of a cycle that is dying. Like the leaves in Fall, if we allow old parts of us to shed, to merely drop off, we can enter a new chapter without resistance.

In my last newsletter I wrote about the first stage of a LifeQuake, boredom. Today I am going to address the second stage – the death/preparation process for the severance from an old cycle of life. Some people respond to this stage by getting angry or frustrated and resistant that life has to change. Like a child who must face that summer is over and he/she is back in school, they refuse to face change. For others, it brings on grief and mourning and then there is the last group who become overwhelmed and confused by impending transition and become depressed. Any and all of these responses can trigger addiction issues.

Tomorrow we will commemorate the 8th anniversary of 9/11. We live in a different world since 2001. This was an example of how various people respond to crisis. Some take action to right the wrong that was done, some just complain, some mourn, and some turn to a bottle of pills or booze. There is no right way to prepare for change. There are however, more effective ways.

Robert came to me in the midst of Stage Two. He had put on some weight which for a successful actor on a hit tv series, can spell disaster. He and his wife had not had sex in a couple months. She had chronic bladder infections and kept their children in bed with them at night. Robert had experienced tremendous career success but was very unhappy in his marriage. However, he had small children at home and did not want to leave them. Trauma from his own childhood were uncovered. When he was four years old, his younger brother died and his mother never stopped grieving, so he was terrified of feeling sad.

Given that I work with dreams to transform the fear of change, I asked him to keep a record of them. He had a series of dreams whose theme was death. I counseled him to make no outer changes in his life. His only mandate was to release all judgments of his sadness and as the feelings came up, to breathe through them before he went in the kitchen to soothe himself.

As he spent more time just being with his feelings, anger started to emerge toward his wife. He requested that they seek marital counseling to deal with their lack of intimacy. She agreed. They came together and she openly admitted she was not prepared to make any changes. Eventually, Robert took action and filed for divorce but he first spent months learning to embrace all sadness from his childhood and the impending death of his marriage.

You might want to use the Fall season as a time to reflect on your own life. What is coming to an end that you have been avoiding facing? Do you need to make career changes, health habit changes, or not necessarily divorce, just re-negotiate the terms of your marriage? What feelings are coming up around this?

Allow for no outer change in the near future. Simply prepare through resting into the uncertainty and spending more time in stillness. If radical change is your destiny, you will need to conserve your energy so that your brain and nervous system is recharged and able to provide you with effective problem solving strategies when the time is right.

In my next newsletter, I will be addressing career change tips. In the meantime, look for signs of Fall. As you spend more time in reflection, watching the trees turn bright colors as they die is a great contemplation!

For those who wish personal consultation or to make direct contact with me, call:
PHONE: 310-712-2600
EMAIL: DrToni@LifeQuake.net
Sincerely,
Dr. Toni Galardi
“The LifeQuake Doctor”

The topic of this week’s five minute tip is “Celebrating Aging”.

I have resisted writing about Michael Jackson. Not because I didn’t have my own opinions about what really killed him but it seemed so opportunistic to weigh in when so much has already been said. I questioned rather my take was an offering or not and then I realized how much he represents an archetype in the American psyche that I think is hurting us all, actually.

I don’t know the real details of his childhood but I surmise that there was trauma that left him never able to really grow up. Whatever he did or didn’t do to the various children who stayed with him, I honestly think he really saw himself as their peer. Making the transition into adulthood usually comes in one’s thirties. It is reported that the cosmetic surgeries began in the late 80’s at a time when he was entering his thirties. This is when he started to really get crazy. The reports are that there were 10 surgeries by 1990. It is also reported that he suffered from body dysmorphia – distorted negative perception of one’s body.

Like people who suffer from anorexia, there is an arrest in development in childhood where the individual never sees themselves as an adult. Like the J.M. Barrie story of Peter Pan, Michael never grew up. Jungian therapists have blogged about Michael as the archetype of the puer aeternus, (eternal adloescent)

What I haven’t seen written about is who is this eternal adolescent that imprisoned Michael that also lives inside of many of us? In western society, we have become hell bent on staying youthful in appearance and attitude. Anti aging medicine and the practices of cosmetic surgeons are booming. We loathe wrinkles and now both middle aged men and women are seeking sexual partners twenty years younger for the “youthenizing” effects it has on one’s sense of self. How anyone deludes themselves into thinking they are younger because they are peering into the face of a younger partner says so much about our society’s addiction to perfection.

And so we come to the subject of addiction. Michael was quoted as saying on a number of occasions how lonely he felt in life, how painful it was to be him. And so, he found a way to numb that pain with medication. The lives of great artists who followed a similar path are numerous but I think it bears a moment of contemplation to look at one’s own self rejection if you are aging. What distractions/addictions are you using to avoid confronting the decay of your body?

There is nothing wrong with adopting a healthy lifestyle to be the healthiest middle to older age person you can be. However, how much time do you spend on your inner life? Meditation, daily contemplation, connection to the soul all lead to wisdom through the enhancement of one’s intuition. Part of accepting aging is accepting the end of cycles. We have had this massive cultural belief that our economic life, our relationships, and yes, our bodies should forever be in harvest. That there should be no winter, no honoring of death that brings new life if you allow it. And maybe that’s the core of it. We fear death so we fear change. Embracing the aging process is a celebration of the elder archetype. It does mean examining what is at the heart of what we most fear about looking older: not being loved anymore.

So here’s this week’s tip: Take a few minutes in solitude. Look at where you fear or judge looking older. Where do you hold that fear in your body? Breathe into that fear until a feeling of surrender and peace replaces it. This peace is the beginning of real self love: as you are and as you will become as you face the inevitable year by year.