October 2011

Dear Readers:

As we enter the season of change when things in nature reach their fruition and then begin to deteriorate, so are the cycles of life. The wise person notices when aspects of their life are no longer vital and begins to plan for the next chapter. Unfortunately, most of us are so busy living life from our routines that we don’t take the time to notice that a new blueprint is emerging for our lives. Currently, the world is in great evolutionary transition, this emerging new reality is appearing as a state of chaos.

In January, I am beginning a new teleclass series to prepare us for entering 2012 with greater resilience and centeredness along with an opportunity to design a life that fulfills your greatest potential self even if it currently feels a bit chaotic. I hope you will join me on this exciting adventure.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I am a psychotherapist so have never written to an advice columnist before. I have been involved with a wealthy man for the past six months. My career is in transition. I am hoping to become a professional speaker to augment my income. My boyfriend has been paying for my marketing efforts and medical bills.

Recently, he told me that he didn’t think we were a long term fit because I am not masterful at being a domestic engineer, something he says he wants in a wife and I don’t share his passion for hard rock and roll and water skiing. The confusion for me is that we have this amazing intimate relationship sexually, spiritually, and psychologically and it has gotten even better in the last month. He said he is not interested in anyone else and doesn’t want to end our relationship but just doesn’t want to get my hopes up that we will get married. I do want to get married. I am in my 50’s as is he, so there is no urgency to find someone to father my children as I do not have children.

Should I continue the relationship?

Dazed and Confused in Chicago

Dear Reader:

Most shrinks would advise you to get out. I see this a little differently. My question to you is, what are your relationship needs at this time?  Can you stay in the present and really enjoy this relationship as a love affair or will you find yourself getting angry because he doesn’t see you as wife material?

If he wasn’t wealthy and you knew this was not long term, would you continue? What are you learning in the relationship that has nothing to do with what he provides for you financially? You say you want to get married? Why? And what will you learn from being with this man that will support you in evolving into the woman you want to be who is ready for marriage?

Most of my responses to you are questions rather than answers, as you can see. Given that you are a psychotherapist, I sense you are better served by this line of inquiry than direct advice.

Good luck and have fun!

Dear Dr. Toni

I am a trans-gender man who has been in a long – term relationship with a woman. She and I were lovers when I was still a woman. Recently, I have noticed that I am more interested in women who are either heterosexual or just very feminine lesbians. There is a woman at my work who has expressed an interest in me. She knows I am a trans-gender man.

I love my wife and don’t want to divorce her but this desire for other women has been growing for the past year. What should I do? Should I tell her or just play it out once and see if my attraction has any substance? I love your column and would be most appreciative if you respond to questions like this.

John A.

Dear John:

I admire your courage in reaching out and in following your heart on changing genders. Like all couples, when you are in a long – term relationship, a point comes where boredom sets in and the desire for someone different than the spouse we have often manifests. The question I have is, have you openly talked about these feelings with your wife? Talk about it in terms that do not indicate you are going to act on them but want to explore what the attraction is. Would it matter if your wife dressed in more feminine clothing or sexy lingerie?  Is there anything in your sex life that you would like changed or expanded?

I would urge you not to do what has been historically true with heterosexual men and just act out of an inclination or titillation. Also, consider seeing a marriage counselor if you need a third party professional to work this through with.

All the best to you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, public speaker, organizational consultant, and the author of the book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.

To submit questions for  “Ask the LifeQuake Doctor” or if you would like to consult Dr. Galardi for SKYPE or phone coaching, she can be reached through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net or 310-890-6832. Enrollment for her new teleclass begins Oct 5.

August is traditionally the month when those who can, take a vacation. The Europeans are often on holiday for the whole month while the tourists flood the city. I guess it is all a balance. Speaking of balance, if you don’t have the luxury to be away much in August, another great way for you to spend the holiday is to take an inner vacation.
What might you do to spend time in meditation or reading material that probes into your inner self? My book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon is one way to do that. Working with a coach who can help prepare you for changes you would like to make in the Fall is another way. However you do it, I urge you to use August to create a psycho-spiritual “stay-cation” at home.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I have been seeing a man for four months. I am 50, he is 54. He has grown children, is financially comfortable, and was the perfect guy for the first three and a half months. I had a bad week, hormonally. I was tired, PMSing and he started to distance and it has gotten worse. He seems to be putting up walls, which then causes me to put up my own walls.
I want to hold on to what we experienced in the first three months but the longer this goes on, the more I question if it is worth it. What should I do, Dr. Toni?

Stranded in Aspen
Dear Reader:
I would ask him if he needs a time out. Giving a man space periodically will help him process how he feels about you. If in giving him space, he comes back with that he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a committed relationship, you can suggest that you are open to keeping it loose as long as he understands that he doesn’t get to have you for himself exclusively. You are open to dating him and others until he or you decide how to define the relationship.
Keep your heart open and date others. Lean back a little. Most importantly, love yourself and be clear about your self worth. If he expresses a desire to be exclusive, consult a therapist or relationship coach. I have found that when I work with couples early in their courtship we can clarify what each other needs and wants at this time in their lives. Having a professional third party to intervene who is there for both of you can either accelerate intimacy and commitment or assist you both in ending a relationship that is not supportive for you both.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a sixty – year- old woman who has been widowed for five years. I would really like to be in relationship with a man my age who really wants to get married. The age bias against women my age in a metropolitan city is huge. I have joined dating services over the internet but men my age want a younger woman.
I am a professional woman whose in great shape and feels young. I want to share a life with someone although I can financially provide for myself. I am not sure what to do and thought perhaps you might be able to help.
Your thoughts?
Deirdre
Dear Deirdre:
I understand that you think finding a man your age would make a suitable mate. Perhaps you feel that way because your late husband was close to your age. However, there may be men who are ten years younger than you who would be more interested than men your age.
A dear friend of mine is with a man who is 16 years younger than her and she is now 70 and they have been together for 15 years so I know it works. Forget about internet dating. I think in your age range, it may not be the best way to meet eligible men. I would focus on going to events you really enjoy and have fun. Travel. Be open to meeting someone in another city or country. Consider men who are also 10 years older. The point is, get outside your box and be open to meeting people you would not have necessarily considered.

One of my clients is an executive in a fortune 500 company. She fell in love with an artist who makes half what she makes but he brings out great qualities in her, her joie de vivre – joy of life, spontaneity. When you let go of your pictures, your soul can bring you to a far horizon that will expand and surprise you.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a change mastery coach, psychotherapist, and the author of The LIfeQuake Phenomenon. If you go to her website, you can download a free recording of her teleclass The LifeQuake Method: How to master change in uncertain times.

She can be reached at 310-890-6832. http://www.lifequake.net

© 2011 Vision Magazine. All Rights Reserved. Vision Magazine is a ® Registered Trademark of Vision Global, Inc.
1281 University Ave., Ste. G San Diego, CA 92103

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
March 2011 Issue

Dear Dr Toni:
Four years ago, my now 23 year old son disclosed to me that he is gay. He has had health problems for the past two years. He gets colds easily so I imagine his immune system is weak. It doesn’t bother me that he’s gay. What bothers me is that he seems to have trouble dealing with life. He had to drop out of school his sophomore year and now he’s pursuing dance. On his 9th birthday, he asked to wear a dress and he still likes to cross dress occasionally. Now, we live in a suburb of Chicago. I am concerned about him. Do you think he might actually be a girl inside?
Confused Dad

Dear Reader:
One of the hardest things that happen when our children begin to reach adulthood is for us to let go of our dreams for them so that they can have their own. This also applies to sexual identity. It sounds to me like your son is in an identity crisis that may or may not result in becoming transgender. Has he actually mentioned anything about wanting to change sexes?

That said, sometimes a parent can see things in their children before their children do. If we were to go on the premise that you may be right, the health issues may, and I emphasize may, be a result of hidden unconscious fears he has of being truthful about his true sexual identity. The immune system is strongly connected to the psyche in that instead of attacking foreign substances that are toxic to the body, they start attacking the body itself and one can develop auto-immune conditions.
Sit down with your son and come with your heart open. Have no agenda. Ask questions like: what about cross dressing do you like? How does it make you feel? Have you ever considered becoming a woman? There is a lot to consider and it may have scared him too much to delve into his own psyche very deeply. Your acceptance could make all the difference.

Dear Dr. Toni Galardi
I have been working as a corporate executive for 15 years. I am married for 10 years and have no children. My boss and I began having an affair two years ago. I love what I do and therefore I am not leaving my job. I have tried to break it off with him several times but the attraction between us is so strong that I always end up back in his arms.

I read your book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon and I think I am in stage two. I feel depressed and trapped by my desires for this man. What should I do? I feel like I’m dying a little every day. The only ray of hope I have, I actually got from your book, that maybe this addiction could be a spiritual awakening. Your thoughts?
Dazed and Confused

Dear Reader:
Relationship, love, sex, and fantasy addictions all have as their root the same etiology as drug and alcohol addiction. They often stem from an inability to source your Spirit for joyous oneness and so we look to substances and people to get that high. However, the true longing is for connection to your soul. There is an opportunity to go inward inside of the very compulsion that can feel like the agony and the ecstasy. Meditation helps. Attending twelve step meetings in love addiction called SLAA can help. Most importantly, is to reframe this as a call from your soul. If you really are in stage two of a LifeQuake then the old identity is indeed dying and it can feel like clinical depression.
I am going to share with you and our readers an exercise to help with the surrender and acceptance that moving through this stage requires.
Heaven and Hell
This exercise is a combination of both contemplation and writing, so have a notebook or journal handy, along with a pen. In this exercise, there is no judgment on your attachments. We will look at our attachments as three tiers to suggest the psyche as layers. Make a simple graph labeling the tiers as follows from each part of the exercise.
After reading this exercise, begin by closing your eyes while seated in a comfortable chair. Take a moment to settle into your body through focused breathing. Now, think of the one part of your identity that you are aware of being most attached to. It might be your job, your health, your partner, your home, etc. Imagine that it has been taken from you through whatever circumstances you can think of. Notice what you feel in your body and where you feel it. Breathe into it with long, slow breaths.
Now allow yourself to experience a radiant violet light coming in through the top of your head, traveling all the way into where you are feeling the loss and pain. Keep open, while allowing this light to fill you up. One by one, bring in the next thing or person to which you have the greatest attachment. Do the same process. Stay with this for ten minutes, if you can. When you open your eyes, list the people or things to which you have the greatest attachments in your graph of the first tier.

Now, the second tier is to think about addictions to substances and outer directed beliefs you are attached to. Close your eyes and invoke the violet light into your body again. Imagine how you would feel, if for example, you gave up alcohol, sugar or prejudices about others you may have. Now, imagine what your life would be like if each of those beliefs or habits were gone.

The last tier is to imagine giving up traits of the inner critic, such as self-criticism, shame, and self-loathing. What is your fear around giving them up? Take each one separately and experience yourself without it.
Write about your experience as to how you feel in your body in their absence.
This exercise (along with a genuine desire to use this attachment you have to this man for the purpose of transformation) can accelerate a radical severance from your old life and you may find yourself opening to new professional opportunities elsewhere.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, and is available for consult by phone or SKYPE. You can reach her at 310-712-2600 or DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
Jan 2011

Dear Dr. Toni:
As the new year is approaching, I am filled with fear that my life is never going to change. I am not in a relationship and my career is going nowhere. I know I am lucky to have a job but I’ve been getting sick lately a lot and I dread going there in the morning. I work long hours and have no time for a relationship even if I wanted one. I feel trapped and my life feels like it is over.
I don’t know if you can help, but you seem to give good advice to others so this is my last ditched effort to save myself from dying of boredom!
Frustrated in Sedona

Dear Reader:
As we enter this new year of 2011, instead of writing resolutions, perhaps another way of starting the year might be to look at what needs revolution. The word resolve has such a somber quality to it. According to the etymology dictionary online, the word revolution was first recorded in the English language in 1799 and was said to mean “to change a thing completely and fundamentally.” The word revolve comes from the Latin derivative, revolvere, to turn or roll back.

So, perhaps you need to go back to the past to see what beliefs you are holding which need to be reconstructed. Resolution may only approach this at the surface level of the mind and may be why we often don’t keep resolutions because the unconscious fears are never excavated.
You have bought into a mass consciousness that if you have a job, you should just thank your lucky stars. Sometimes the greatest grace people receive is getting fired so they are forced to think outside the box. The media only shows you the people who keep doing the same thing in their unemployment. They send out resumes only to have them rejected for two years and then end up in bankruptcy.
If your job is boring you AND you have no time for a personal life, getting sick is a wake up call. If you keep getting sick, you either need to reinvent the work you are doing or begin volunteering at a non-profit organization while you have a job. Find an issue you really care about and give time to an organization that supports change around that problem. The key is to have passion about something in your life. Step into 2011 as a revolutionary in your own life, who, like our founding fathers, can stand for both personal and global change. As trite as it sounds, your becoming authentic in your life before a crisis hits catalyzes change in the world.

The word LifeQuake means whatever is awakening you to the next level of your evolution. If you take a stand for revolution, your evolution doesn’t have to mean losing it all first to move forward.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am contemplating moving to a new city. I saw your newsletter and column on your facebook page a few months ago and know that you made a big move up north so I thought you might be a good person to ask how to make a transition like that. I am self employed, my work has practically dissolved in Los Angeles and none of my usual tactics for marketing are working to drum up business so I figure I have nothing to lose.

My biggest fear is making friends at this age. I am 45. I do love my long time friends here and am not sure how to go about meeting people in a new place. What do you suggest?
Richard R.

Dear Richard:
I would begin building a bridge from where you are to where you are going. Ask people you know for names of people to contact and then make several visits before moving. You don’t indicate what your work is but you might want to find networking groups oriented toward your work and plan your trips to accommodate them.

Write to the people you were recommended to and ask them about any social or business functions they might invite or recommend you attend and then coordinate your schedule to get the most bang out of your trips. Given that friendship is clearly important to you, evaluate how community focused the people are in the area you are interested in moving to.

Being clear about your values and interests, always pick a place to move to whose culture will support them and you will encourage the smoothest transition and long term satisfaction. Marin County, for example, is very community focused and dedicated to environmental concerns. This was important to me: living in protected nature and having a spiritual community whose beliefs predominantly mirrored my own.

Dear Readers:
Making a point to take one authentic risk every week will revolutionize your life and accelerate your conscious evolution in 2011. Write to me and share your bold adventures!

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For those seeking phone coaching, Dr. Toni can be reached at 310-712-2600. Her book The LifeQuake Phenomenon is available online through Amazon.com.

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor – Vision Magazine

November 2010 Column

When the Brett Favre case (New York Jets football player) broke in the news with his alleged ‘sextexting’ and other sexually inappropriate behaviors toward a fellow employee of the league, I was called by an ABC affiliate station in San Francisco to  appear as a guest expert on 7 Live with Brian Copeland. This stimulated questions from readers on the sex addiction issue.

Dear Dr. Toni:

My husband has been having an affair and is denying it. Like Brett Favre, he has been using his phone to text a woman he works with conveying sexually suggestive messages. I busted him and he denies that they have taken it to a sexual level.  How can one tell if a person has a sexual addiction? Is it in the numbers? How many people they’ve slept with or if they’ve actually had sex with the person? Is an affair a sexual addiction?

Confused in San Francisco

Dear Reader:

You pose several issues in your letter.  Sexual addiction, like alcoholism is not about how much you act out, it is about how much does it disrupt your life and is it being used to avoid certain feelings.  An affair in and of itself is not a sexual addiction. It most certainly is a sign that the marriage needs addressing. An affair is a symptom of a problem within the relationship. Repeated sexual relationships outside of one’s marriage with various people can be a sign of a sexual addiction.

A sexual addiction is often not taken seriously in our culture. We think that anyone who can get that much action must be ok.  When I did the tv talk show on this subject, most of the audience and facebook responses did not take the issue all that seriously. Sex addiction can kill people just like drugs and alcohol.  You can put your spouse in jeopardy of getting AIDS and I have known clients who put their jobs in harms way. People who were sexually abused as children are vulnerable to this disease. Like all addictions, traumas in childhood can produce compulsive behavior through brain imbalance.

For those needing intensive treatment, there are three residential treatment centers that I know of who work with this addiction: Alta Mira Recovery Programs in Sausalito, California, Pine Grove Behavioral Health in Missisissippi, and The Bridge to Recovery in Kentucky.

Dear Dr. Toni:

My partner is driving me crazy. He once was employed at a private high school and is a gifted teacher. He loves working with kids and loves cooking but he is too old to get trained to be a chef. Due to budget cuts, he was laid off. He has had to take a job working in a butcher shop as it was the only person who would hire him. His age is a factor as he is about to turn sixty. The job involves a fair amount of physical labor and he threatens to quit every day when he comes home.

He is about to qualify for health benefits and will lose that and a steady income if he quits. I am scared he will quit and put us in financial jeopardy. What should I do?

He is having trouble sleeping at night and therefore I am having trouble sleeping at night. Should I let him quit his job?

Jenna

Dear Jenna:

As the economic recession drags on, many people are facing this dilemma.  Many educated people are taking jobs they are overqualified for.  I believe that the rise of addiction in the workplace may in part be due to people staying in jobs they should have moved on from but were afraid.  Employees are using social media, internet porn, or substances to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of no longer being challenged or as in your husband’s case, underutilized for his real talents.

The fear is real but there are creative solutions. I think the opportunity this presents is to find a way to work with kids that may not be in the conventional vein.  It has been reported that the wealthy are still doing pretty well. Finding a service you could provide that caters to those who do have financial resources may be an answer.  The key is to create something you actually love to do like working with animals so you start a dog walking service, etc. For example, if he loves working with kids and loves to cook, perhaps he could advertise on Craig’s list his abilities as both a nanny and cook for a family.  There are people who would love to have a teacher working for them.  With the trend toward home schooling, your husband could serve as a governess or some such thing. He could make a list of everyone he knows who knows wealthy people and put out the word.

You can certainly show him my column, but I wouldn’t advise taking this on for him. Let him figure this out and simply keep encouraging his efforts, period.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, vocational coach, public speaker, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. She can be reached through her website at http://www.LifeQuake.net or for consultation at 310-712-2600

2010 Vision Magazine. All rights reserved.

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Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor
Dr. Toni Galardi

Dear Dr. Toni:
The holidays are coming and I am alone again. It isn’t enough to go and volunteer at a homeless shelter. My body is aching to be touched and massage is not enough. I need to feel passion through touch but I don’t want to just go out and have casual sex with a stranger. I have been turning to food as my lover…a lot. What do I do?
Jonesing For Touch

Dear Jonesing:
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone in your experience; at this time of year when people are with their families or a partner, it is particularly poignant if we are without intimate connection.

Because most of us were not raised to give love to ourselves on a physical level, the opportunity here is to learn how to have a sacred sexual relationship with yourself.

How do you like to be touched? If you don’t know, experiment. Begin by touching your arms lightly, stroking them from your shoulder all the way to your hands. How does that feel? Notice what comes up emotionally as you touch different parts of your body. Allow for tender or scary feelings to come up. Most importantly, cherish yourself. If you feel inclined during this process, allow for self-pleasuring in whatever way you need and give that gift of presence, safety and acceptance.

Now, sit in front of the mirror with a candle in the dark and make eye contact. Allow yourself to deeply connect to your soul through your eyes. After about 10 minutes, go back to lying down and imagine you have a lover next to you. Turn to that imaginary lover and look into his or her eyes and feel the connection—the one you had to yourself when you were sitting in front of the mirror. Now imagine he or she is touching you exactly as you would like to be touched. Go through the entire scenario from a place of deep intimacy.

The last step is to bring that connection to your day. Be in your sensuality as you do the dishes, drive your car, eat your lunch and I dare say, as you interact with others. You can be very loving and sensual even with children and animals in a very sacred way if you are in that space with yourself.
Have fun with this!

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am dreading Christmas. I can’t afford to go home and visit my family. My kids want gifts and I don’t have the money to buy them much this year. I’m not sleeping at night because I am self-employed and business is down. Can you enlighten me as to a way to salvage this holiday so that my kids don’t think I’m the L.A. scrooge?
Eager to Transform Bah Humbug

Dear Eager:
Many people are experiencing the same frustration you are this year. If this were the holiday of getting I would say that you are truly handicapped, but it is not. If I could, I would put up a big billboard in every town in America that says, “Remember, the point of GETTING the Christmas spirit is BEING the Christmas spirit.”

The gift of Christmas doesn’t come in a beautifully decorated box with a bow. It is being in the presence of love for yourself and a great model for your children. If you go to LifeQuake.net/media, there is a five-minute video from “Good Day LA” where I talk about how to inexpensively model for your kids the true spirit of the holiday through giving back to those who have even less than you do.
We are in a massive evolutionary shift on our planet. It is requiring us to leave behind the old tribal mores for love. This economic contraction is here to assist us in releasing our old ideas of what makes us happy. Something needs to change if we are going to evolve. Transforming our old inner concepts of Christmas that reek of a Hallmark TV afternoon special into our own version of It’s a Wonderful Life (watch this film if you haven’t seen it) allows us to see that our value to our children is in who we are, not what toys they get from us.

Your children take their cues from you. If you clear out the guilt you are feeling about not being Santa Claus and choose to stand for being love, not doing love through material buying, they will get it and follow suit.

When we are brave and break from cultural programming, it is only then that our creativity can blossom. For example, go through the events section of your newspaper and find out what free concerts or other Christmas-themed events are happening that are geared toward kids. Make it a family project to go through old toys and clothing that are no longer being used. Donate them to a charity that supports homeless families and take your children with you so that they can experience the contribution.

To all of my readers: Create a new Norman Rockwell painting in your mind’s eye for the possibility of who you and your children can be this holiday season.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Dr. Galardi works by phone internationally with people in transition and can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for “Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor,” contact DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
October Column

Dear LifeQuake Doctor:
I am an addict but there is no anonymous program for me. I’m not addicted to the typical things like drugs, alcohol, or food. My addiction however, is far more crippling. Mine is affecting every area of my life: my career, my health, and my family. I’m addicted to procrastination. I procrastinate over deadlines at work, when and where to take vacations with my kids, committing to an exercise routine, you name it.
How do I get over this? It feels like a disease as incapacitating as alcoholism.
Desperate for a Breakthrough

Dear Reader:
First of all, let me just say that desperation is not necessarily a bad thing. As much as that feeling can make us do destructive things, it can also motivate us to take risks because we are fed up with the same old, same old fear. Yes, fear. Procrastination at its core is motivated by the fear of change. Psychologists and motivational speakers have all debated as to whether it is the fear of success or fear of failure at the root of this complex. I submit that it is both but that the deeper issue is the fear of loss. If I make this choice, it might be “the wrong one”.

Choosing also means dying to other choices: committing 100% to this decision. What if this decision takes me on a path into an unknown future that I’m not prepared for? Stagnation sucks but it is something you are familiar with, something you think you can control. The problem is that this is pure illusion because we are evolutionary beings. Survival of the fittest means those who can adapt to change. If we try to maintain the status quo when what our soul needs is to get healthy through exercise, advance yourself professionally, or take a vacation and rest, and we make no decisions, we invite a crisis and the decision is made for you. Of course, when we move forward through the trauma and drama of a crisis we don’t have to own responsibility for the after effects. We can think of ourselves as a victim and simply cope with the aftermath. We are a nation of procrastinators. If you look to all the warnings that we received about terrorist threats before 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina, we can see that this exists both personally and governmentally. I myself incurred three near death experiences over the course of twenty years every time I needed to make a change and did not listen to my intuition, so I understand this addiction. I would agree with you that it is an addiction because my definition is that addiction is whatever is between you and what you are really afraid of.

So, now that we are in the season of change where the leaves begin to change color as they die, it is a great time to celebrate and ritualize the death of this old habit.
Here are some tips:
1) Go back to your earliest memory of a decision you made that didn’t turn out as you wanted. Was it trying out for sports, turning in a school assignment you had really worked hard on, or telling someone you had a crush on, that you liked them? As you recall this event, where do you feel the emotion in your body? Now, focus your breath on this spot. As you keep breathing into it, allow your body to surrender and receive your breath just as you would if you were stretching a muscle that was tight. As the feeling begins to change, notice what feeling is replacing it. Now think of a time that you committed to something 100% and it produced your desired effect. For example, you ate healthy and exercised and your body got stronger. Place that feeling of mastery in your non-dominant hand, the one you don’t’ write with. Take your hand and place it over the spot in your body that once held the fear of commitment. This will anchor that feeling.

2) Take one area of your life that you need to make a decision about that has the lowest level of anxiety connected to it. If you need to make a career change and have been dragging your feet because you don’t want to do the same thing you’ve been doing and you don’t know what you are passionate about, do one little thing like pay attention to everything you encounter in a day that produces great enthusiasm or even mild interest. Keep a journal of all of it. Risking change through deciding begins with experiencing a good feeling around low level change like just committing to observation.

3) Commit to 15 minutes a day of quiet contemplation. No tv, computer, or even reading. Sitting still and centering yourself through the breath work of step one from above and then asking the question of your intuition: what step would you have me take next? All you need to know is the next step. The answer may come right away or it may come spontaneously when you are doing something else like a house – hold chore or as you wake up from a dream. The key is to know that you don’t have to know the five year plan, just the next step. Healing the addiction to procrastination requires tolerance for the unknown future. If you focus just on the truth of the next step, you become more oriented toward the journey of life rather than an end goal. Remember, when you take your last breath on earth, your thoughts will be on did I give it my all, not, did I make all the right choices?
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book: The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Dr. Galardi works by phone internationally with people in transition. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions to Vision Magazine for “Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor”, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through her email address: DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a very healthy fifty four year – old businessman. I exercise, eat a healthy diet, am not over weight, etc. I am financially successful and from the outside everything looks “right”. I went through a divorce a year ago and I spend a lot of mental time in the past and thinking how it used to be. From the outside, I am envied by many people and I do a lot to project and protect my “image”. I am currently taking Paxil, trying homeopathy, doing energy psychology and seeing an herbal MD who is giving me teas to take. I am still suffering and nothing seems to help. Do you have any other ideas or am I destined to this “life” forever? Any insight at all would be much appreciated.
Desperate in San Diego

Dear Desperate:
I can appreciate how difficult and frustrated you must be given that you are doing “all the right things”. I am not sure what “energy psychology” involves but there are two things you mention that bear addressing: “I spend a lot of time in the past and I do a lot to project and protect my image.”
How comfortable are you with vulnerability? SSRI’s like Paxil for depression do take you out of the depths of despair but actually sitting with your feelings right here and now, not the past can allow you to be more authentic and less prone to protecting your image. Do you let people get close? Part of intimacy is rooted in showing your humanity, warts and all.

If you are looking back a lot, perhaps you are filled with regret about your choices while you were married. I would encourage you to find a good psychotherapist to work with and do an evaluation with an orthomolecular psychiatrist – a physician who is trained in treating mood disorders with amino acid therapy, essential fatty acids and certain herbal remedies for brain balance. In Los Angeles, Hyla Cass, M.D. is the “go to doc” in this area and David Gersten, M.D. is located in Encinitas.
Good luck!

Hello Dr Toni :
I just read your column in VISION MAGAZINE. You are quite skilled and exceptionally compassionate. I seem to have the opposite dis-ease — I move and change CONSTANTLY. It is probably the same issue, just opposite side of the coin? i don’t have family, have WONDERFUL friends, not sure where I’m to be, how to ground and connect to the earth. I forever say — it will take a man to settle me down. Yet, I’m SUPER READY to ground. A friend thinks it’s a feeling of being trapped. help!!!!!!!
Thanks, Dr Toni –
Georgia

Dear Georgia:
If it is in your nature to constantly change, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Most people have the opposite problem – fear of change. For them, change translates as loss. It sounds like from your description that staying rooted feels like you will lose something, such as freedom. Your possible solution of getting into a relationship as a way of grounding you is superficial at best and ineffective, if not downright, destructive at worst. Anytime we use something external to ground us, especially a person, we are at risk of then becoming ungrounded again if they leave. More importantly, relationships take a lot of work and commitment. You don’t always get the freedom you have as a single person so you really have to be ready to compromise some of your impulses for the sake of loving another, being in service to another human being as well as serving the relationship. It is definitely in and of itself a life path and for some, a spiritual path not to be taken cavalierly.

I would recommend getting into some counseling to examine what your fears are of staying in one place and not moving on so quickly. There are also certain physical practices such as Qi Gong that can help with grounding your body to the earth’s energy once you have emotionally decided you really want this. Try this: Imagine you are a tree. What tree would you be? A willow that bends with the winds of change but still has deep roots in the earth or an oak that provides shade for both the planet and humans who want to sit under it and be protected from the sun. Think about all the trees you’ve enjoyed. Which one attracts you most? There is a Qi Gong exercise called standing tree that can help with staying grounded through the day. Google it for instructions.

Dear readers:
Well, the summer is almost over and the season of change is about to begin – Autumn. I love this time of year. Like the leaves that turn color as they begin to die, letting go of old defunct habits and/or life circumstances can have the same effect. Recognizing that a cycle is ending can bring color back to your life where it might have grown stale.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Her website address is www. LifeQuake.net. For personal consultation , please call 310-712-2600.