Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor
Dr. Toni Galardi

Dear Dr. Toni:
The holidays are coming and I am alone again. It isn’t enough to go and volunteer at a homeless shelter. My body is aching to be touched and massage is not enough. I need to feel passion through touch but I don’t want to just go out and have casual sex with a stranger. I have been turning to food as my lover…a lot. What do I do?
Jonesing For Touch

Dear Jonesing:
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone in your experience; at this time of year when people are with their families or a partner, it is particularly poignant if we are without intimate connection.

Because most of us were not raised to give love to ourselves on a physical level, the opportunity here is to learn how to have a sacred sexual relationship with yourself.

How do you like to be touched? If you don’t know, experiment. Begin by touching your arms lightly, stroking them from your shoulder all the way to your hands. How does that feel? Notice what comes up emotionally as you touch different parts of your body. Allow for tender or scary feelings to come up. Most importantly, cherish yourself. If you feel inclined during this process, allow for self-pleasuring in whatever way you need and give that gift of presence, safety and acceptance.

Now, sit in front of the mirror with a candle in the dark and make eye contact. Allow yourself to deeply connect to your soul through your eyes. After about 10 minutes, go back to lying down and imagine you have a lover next to you. Turn to that imaginary lover and look into his or her eyes and feel the connection—the one you had to yourself when you were sitting in front of the mirror. Now imagine he or she is touching you exactly as you would like to be touched. Go through the entire scenario from a place of deep intimacy.

The last step is to bring that connection to your day. Be in your sensuality as you do the dishes, drive your car, eat your lunch and I dare say, as you interact with others. You can be very loving and sensual even with children and animals in a very sacred way if you are in that space with yourself.
Have fun with this!

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am dreading Christmas. I can’t afford to go home and visit my family. My kids want gifts and I don’t have the money to buy them much this year. I’m not sleeping at night because I am self-employed and business is down. Can you enlighten me as to a way to salvage this holiday so that my kids don’t think I’m the L.A. scrooge?
Eager to Transform Bah Humbug

Dear Eager:
Many people are experiencing the same frustration you are this year. If this were the holiday of getting I would say that you are truly handicapped, but it is not. If I could, I would put up a big billboard in every town in America that says, “Remember, the point of GETTING the Christmas spirit is BEING the Christmas spirit.”

The gift of Christmas doesn’t come in a beautifully decorated box with a bow. It is being in the presence of love for yourself and a great model for your children. If you go to LifeQuake.net/media, there is a five-minute video from “Good Day LA” where I talk about how to inexpensively model for your kids the true spirit of the holiday through giving back to those who have even less than you do.
We are in a massive evolutionary shift on our planet. It is requiring us to leave behind the old tribal mores for love. This economic contraction is here to assist us in releasing our old ideas of what makes us happy. Something needs to change if we are going to evolve. Transforming our old inner concepts of Christmas that reek of a Hallmark TV afternoon special into our own version of It’s a Wonderful Life (watch this film if you haven’t seen it) allows us to see that our value to our children is in who we are, not what toys they get from us.

Your children take their cues from you. If you clear out the guilt you are feeling about not being Santa Claus and choose to stand for being love, not doing love through material buying, they will get it and follow suit.

When we are brave and break from cultural programming, it is only then that our creativity can blossom. For example, go through the events section of your newspaper and find out what free concerts or other Christmas-themed events are happening that are geared toward kids. Make it a family project to go through old toys and clothing that are no longer being used. Donate them to a charity that supports homeless families and take your children with you so that they can experience the contribution.

To all of my readers: Create a new Norman Rockwell painting in your mind’s eye for the possibility of who you and your children can be this holiday season.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Dr. Galardi works by phone internationally with people in transition and can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for “Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor,” contact DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Ask the LifeQuake Doctor
October Column

Dear LifeQuake Doctor:
I am an addict but there is no anonymous program for me. I’m not addicted to the typical things like drugs, alcohol, or food. My addiction however, is far more crippling. Mine is affecting every area of my life: my career, my health, and my family. I’m addicted to procrastination. I procrastinate over deadlines at work, when and where to take vacations with my kids, committing to an exercise routine, you name it.
How do I get over this? It feels like a disease as incapacitating as alcoholism.
Desperate for a Breakthrough

Dear Reader:
First of all, let me just say that desperation is not necessarily a bad thing. As much as that feeling can make us do destructive things, it can also motivate us to take risks because we are fed up with the same old, same old fear. Yes, fear. Procrastination at its core is motivated by the fear of change. Psychologists and motivational speakers have all debated as to whether it is the fear of success or fear of failure at the root of this complex. I submit that it is both but that the deeper issue is the fear of loss. If I make this choice, it might be “the wrong one”.

Choosing also means dying to other choices: committing 100% to this decision. What if this decision takes me on a path into an unknown future that I’m not prepared for? Stagnation sucks but it is something you are familiar with, something you think you can control. The problem is that this is pure illusion because we are evolutionary beings. Survival of the fittest means those who can adapt to change. If we try to maintain the status quo when what our soul needs is to get healthy through exercise, advance yourself professionally, or take a vacation and rest, and we make no decisions, we invite a crisis and the decision is made for you. Of course, when we move forward through the trauma and drama of a crisis we don’t have to own responsibility for the after effects. We can think of ourselves as a victim and simply cope with the aftermath. We are a nation of procrastinators. If you look to all the warnings that we received about terrorist threats before 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina, we can see that this exists both personally and governmentally. I myself incurred three near death experiences over the course of twenty years every time I needed to make a change and did not listen to my intuition, so I understand this addiction. I would agree with you that it is an addiction because my definition is that addiction is whatever is between you and what you are really afraid of.

So, now that we are in the season of change where the leaves begin to change color as they die, it is a great time to celebrate and ritualize the death of this old habit.
Here are some tips:
1) Go back to your earliest memory of a decision you made that didn’t turn out as you wanted. Was it trying out for sports, turning in a school assignment you had really worked hard on, or telling someone you had a crush on, that you liked them? As you recall this event, where do you feel the emotion in your body? Now, focus your breath on this spot. As you keep breathing into it, allow your body to surrender and receive your breath just as you would if you were stretching a muscle that was tight. As the feeling begins to change, notice what feeling is replacing it. Now think of a time that you committed to something 100% and it produced your desired effect. For example, you ate healthy and exercised and your body got stronger. Place that feeling of mastery in your non-dominant hand, the one you don’t’ write with. Take your hand and place it over the spot in your body that once held the fear of commitment. This will anchor that feeling.

2) Take one area of your life that you need to make a decision about that has the lowest level of anxiety connected to it. If you need to make a career change and have been dragging your feet because you don’t want to do the same thing you’ve been doing and you don’t know what you are passionate about, do one little thing like pay attention to everything you encounter in a day that produces great enthusiasm or even mild interest. Keep a journal of all of it. Risking change through deciding begins with experiencing a good feeling around low level change like just committing to observation.

3) Commit to 15 minutes a day of quiet contemplation. No tv, computer, or even reading. Sitting still and centering yourself through the breath work of step one from above and then asking the question of your intuition: what step would you have me take next? All you need to know is the next step. The answer may come right away or it may come spontaneously when you are doing something else like a house – hold chore or as you wake up from a dream. The key is to know that you don’t have to know the five year plan, just the next step. Healing the addiction to procrastination requires tolerance for the unknown future. If you focus just on the truth of the next step, you become more oriented toward the journey of life rather than an end goal. Remember, when you take your last breath on earth, your thoughts will be on did I give it my all, not, did I make all the right choices?
Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book: The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Dr. Galardi works by phone internationally with people in transition. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions to Vision Magazine for “Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor”, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through her email address: DrToni@LifeQuake.net.

Ask The LifeQuake Doctor
September, 2009

Dear Dr. Toni:
I am a very healthy fifty four year – old businessman. I exercise, eat a healthy diet, am not over weight, etc. I am financially successful and from the outside everything looks “right”. I went through a divorce a year ago and I spend a lot of mental time in the past and thinking how it used to be. From the outside, I am envied by many people and I do a lot to project and protect my “image”. I am currently taking Paxil, trying homeopathy, doing energy psychology and seeing an herbal MD who is giving me teas to take. I am still suffering and nothing seems to help. Do you have any other ideas or am I destined to this “life” forever? Any insight at all would be much appreciated.
Desperate in San Diego

Dear Desperate:
I can appreciate how difficult and frustrated you must be given that you are doing “all the right things”. I am not sure what “energy psychology” involves but there are two things you mention that bear addressing: “I spend a lot of time in the past and I do a lot to project and protect my image.”
How comfortable are you with vulnerability? SSRI’s like Paxil for depression do take you out of the depths of despair but actually sitting with your feelings right here and now, not the past can allow you to be more authentic and less prone to protecting your image. Do you let people get close? Part of intimacy is rooted in showing your humanity, warts and all.

If you are looking back a lot, perhaps you are filled with regret about your choices while you were married. I would encourage you to find a good psychotherapist to work with and do an evaluation with an orthomolecular psychiatrist – a physician who is trained in treating mood disorders with amino acid therapy, essential fatty acids and certain herbal remedies for brain balance. In Los Angeles, Hyla Cass, M.D. is the “go to doc” in this area and David Gersten, M.D. is located in Encinitas.
Good luck!

Hello Dr Toni :
I just read your column in VISION MAGAZINE. You are quite skilled and exceptionally compassionate. I seem to have the opposite dis-ease — I move and change CONSTANTLY. It is probably the same issue, just opposite side of the coin? i don’t have family, have WONDERFUL friends, not sure where I’m to be, how to ground and connect to the earth. I forever say — it will take a man to settle me down. Yet, I’m SUPER READY to ground. A friend thinks it’s a feeling of being trapped. help!!!!!!!
Thanks, Dr Toni –
Georgia

Dear Georgia:
If it is in your nature to constantly change, in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Most people have the opposite problem – fear of change. For them, change translates as loss. It sounds like from your description that staying rooted feels like you will lose something, such as freedom. Your possible solution of getting into a relationship as a way of grounding you is superficial at best and ineffective, if not downright, destructive at worst. Anytime we use something external to ground us, especially a person, we are at risk of then becoming ungrounded again if they leave. More importantly, relationships take a lot of work and commitment. You don’t always get the freedom you have as a single person so you really have to be ready to compromise some of your impulses for the sake of loving another, being in service to another human being as well as serving the relationship. It is definitely in and of itself a life path and for some, a spiritual path not to be taken cavalierly.

I would recommend getting into some counseling to examine what your fears are of staying in one place and not moving on so quickly. There are also certain physical practices such as Qi Gong that can help with grounding your body to the earth’s energy once you have emotionally decided you really want this. Try this: Imagine you are a tree. What tree would you be? A willow that bends with the winds of change but still has deep roots in the earth or an oak that provides shade for both the planet and humans who want to sit under it and be protected from the sun. Think about all the trees you’ve enjoyed. Which one attracts you most? There is a Qi Gong exercise called standing tree that can help with staying grounded through the day. Google it for instructions.

Dear readers:
Well, the summer is almost over and the season of change is about to begin – Autumn. I love this time of year. Like the leaves that turn color as they begin to die, letting go of old defunct habits and/or life circumstances can have the same effect. Recognizing that a cycle is ending can bring color back to your life where it might have grown stale.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, career coach, and author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Her website address is www. LifeQuake.net. For personal consultation , please call 310-712-2600.

“Ask The LifeQuake Doctor” – Vision Magazine
June 2009 issue

Dear Dr. Toni:
I have an upper management job in a great company and am experiencing “survivor guilt”. So many of my friends have been laid off from their jobs. I get several calls a month or week asking for referrals for jobs or introductions to others — from friends, friends of friends, or former colleagues who may be desperately searching for work and are relying heavily on networking. But each person has only so much political capital to expend: When is ok to say no? How do you say no? When should you help? What kind of help is easy to provide, and what should you consider more carefully? How far should you go to help?
Peter J.
Dear Peter:
We are living in desperate times. According to the Bloomberg News last week, it is predicted that the third and fourth quarter of this year things could worsen. I believe that a positive function of a time like this is to bring us together. Americans reached out to help each other during the Great Depression and yet when we were in an economic boom during the 1950’s the black list became a guise for anti-semitism and prejudices of many kinds. People got scape-goated if they had an independent feeling about how the country was being run. I don’t think the focus at this juncture is to look at your political capital. The key is to use discernment as to whom to refer to whom.

Here are some tips:
1) Say no when you have history with the person asking for help as having put your reputation at risk in the past. ie., Poor work habits that led to them getting fired from a job you used your contacts for them to get.

2) Say no when they are asking you to refer them for something you know they are not qualified to apply for. Once again, using your resources judiciously.

3) Say no when, what they are asking for help on, will be in direct competition with a request you need to make of your contact in assisting you in your own career transition.
4) Say no if whom they want you to connect them with is not someone you have a close enough relationship with to justify making a recommendation and have it hold any weight. In other words, don’t pretend to know people intimately that you don’t really know and set up disappointment for someone desperate for work.

When it feels right to say no, do it directly, but with compassion.
If someone is calling you and are in desperate straights and have a family to support, and they are well qualified, do whatever you can to help them. Connecting people with each other always serves in the long run. If you put good karma out into the world, it will always come back to support you at a different time. In my book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon I write a whole chapter on the benefits psychologically, physically, and financially of acting altruistically as a matter of course. We are being called in these times to expand our resources to help one another, not to contract and hold on tightly to what we have. Generosity is its own reward. The key question is not what is strategically best but what does your gut wisdom tell you about whom to connect to whom.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I lost my job a few months ago and am going through what feels like a major transformation. Now that my old career identity is over, I notice that I don’t feel connected to my old friends. I also can’t afford the same social expenses they can. I am afraid to let go of these relationships because they are the only friends I have right now. How do I handle saying good-bye to people I don’t feel connected to anymore?
Dazed and Confused in Los Angeles

Dear D and C:
First of all, congratulations! I am not saying this cavalierly. It is important to mark this event with a celebration so you don’t spin out into fear. As your old identity is falling away, your old life is going to feel alien. There is new life forming, it’s just still underground in your psyche. That feeling of being in the desert is a powerful transition into fuller self expression and it takes courage to be naked and alone, so to speak. However, we are never left with a void for very long once we make authentic choices. Begin to explore going to social functions that are free of charge or have a nominal fee. Peruse the Los Angeles Times or Whole Life Times for events. Volunteer part time while you are job searching. People who volunteer their time may be the like-minded individuals you are seeking.

Be patient. I call this time in my book, “The Cosmic Barbecue”. Your ego may experience some discomfort when you are in between lives. It may be that you are being called to be in more internal exploration that you didn’t have time for while working in a career. I have lots of free articles on my blog that can also support a time a transition: http://www.LifeQuake.net/blog

Spend time in quiet every day and ask your inner wisdom to show you what your next step is. Once your career re-crystallizes, this time for befriending yourself you may never have the luxury for again.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book: The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. Dr. Galardi is forming an eight week group this summer for those wanting to get unstuck from old habits. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for “Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor”, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr).

Factually, spring is here. Traditionally, it represents the season of change. Unfortunately, this year our country appears to be in frozen emotional paralysis—people aren’t spending money, changing careers, or leaving dead relationships. This month’s column is dedicated to moving out of a winter mentality and the stasis it imposes. Look at it as my version of the stimulus package, one guaranteed to thaw the endless chill, while arousing those emotions in us all that both affirm and support life.

Dear Dr. Toni:
My husband of sixteen years and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for about a year. I had an affair two years ago for eight months and it made me realize that I no longer love my husband. I went back to him because we have a fourteen – year old daughter who really loves her father. We went to counseling and it was no use. I am just not in love with my husband anymore. I was planning to tell my daughter but as the economy has worsened, we just can’t afford to get divorced. What should I do—wait three years until we are out of this slump and my daughter graduates?
Georgia in Sedona

Dear Georgia:
First, let me just say that you are not alone in this dilemma. Many people are choosing to stay together for economic reasons right now. You don’t indicate in your letter how your daughter feels about you and her father sleeping in separate bedrooms. Has this been discussed? More importantly, what is the emotional climate in the house? Are you two conducting a cold war or living as amiable roommates? Have you discussed possible alternatives with each other? If you are absolutely certain that you cannot afford to provide two households for yourselves and your child, then I would suggest having a family meeting in which you openly discuss restructuring your marriage and your family.

Be honest with your daughter about the fact that although you are still a family, you and your husband are no longer functioning as husband and wife. Although this may seem obvious, giving her an opportunity to talk about her feelings about the arrangement is a gesture of respect for her as well as role modeling honest communication.

Dear Dr. Toni:
I know that food, drugs, and alcohol are the usual things people can become addicted to but is it possible to be addicted to YouTube? I am bored with my job. It no longer challenges me. I get all my work done, so it doesn’t interfere with my competence or performance and my boss doesn’t care as long as I get the work done. Do I need to be concerned?
Tube Boob

Dear Reader:
The fact that you are asking the question tells me you know something is up here. Addiction has nothing to do with how much we consume or what we consume. The issue is what are you using your addiction to avoid? Arguably, there is some real feeling you are unable to confront. Try this: Go cold turkey. No YouTube for three days. Notice what feelings come up. Write about these feelings in a journal. What are you afraid of that you are not facing? I am not suggesting you leave your job. Just give yourself a chance to address these newly discovered feelings with no judgment about that they mean. To counteract the boredom you described, now take some time to notice what in the course of your day interests you. Jot that down, too. Do this exercise for three days. Is there a connection between the things you do find interesting? They could be a clue to your vocation of destiny. For further information on preparing for change, you might find some useful tools in my blog: LifeQuake.wordpress.com, dated Mar 9-13. I dedicated five articles to this subject. When addictive habits show up at a time when you should be making changes, often the central belief is that change translates as loss; that you will lose your security if you make a change.

However, all addictions, even Internet ones, can be clues to what you are to do next with your career. Perhaps you should be involved in video or film production, for example. Many people who were corporate executives found their calling as recovery counselors after they went into treatment. All addiction has within it the power to create great transformation if we use it as a sign to get treatment and un-thaw the feelings it has numbed out. Embracing our fears both personally and globally will take us out of winter and bring on an “evolutionary spring”.

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist, public speaker, and the author of her new book: The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval. The LifeQuake Phenomenon can be purchased through her website www.LifeQuake.net or the online bookstores. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600. To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr).

Connections have been made between the challenges facing this administration and that of Roosevelt’s because many think another Depression is imminent and that the stimulus package is another New Deal of sorts.

The state of our economic affairs is quite different than in the 1930’s, mostly because we are now a global economy. Ok, so everyone knows that. But here’s the thing: we are heading into a time of great economic correction. It is the only way America (and so goes the world) will get itself back to the essential values this country was built on. It doesn’t matter if an orangutan was our president (and, arguably, we did have one in the oval office for eight years) now if he could inspire hope in all of us. There is a higher order being called for in this economic LifeQuake– our evolution. What President Obama and President Roosevelt have in common is their genuine optimism, powerful oratory and likeability by the American people.

FDR had a very difficult second term and yet we re-elected him again and then again because he kept people’s hope afloat. Despite his affluent background, the common man could relate to him and not in the way of being the guy you want to have a beer with, but the patrician father you want leading your country. Obama has that and we are going to need that. We are heading for darker days but we need to remember that all growth takes place in darkness: a fetus in a mother’s womb, mushrooms deep in the earth, and the grizzly bear in his winter cave. So, as we enter this winter cycle, we must remember Spring will emerge, but we must let the old cycle and old ideas about what prosperity is die first. Human beings do not change overnight. This incubation may require a long winter. Thank God we have a young President. In the age of climatic challenges, terrorism on our soil,  AND economic challenges, Roosevelt would never have survived a first term.

A LifeQuakian Take on “True Love” on Valentine’s Day

Dear Dr. Toni:

Well, I survived the Christmas holidays as the only person at my family’s gathering who is single. If I can get through Valentine’s Day without the impulse to slit my wrists (that was a joke, I’m not suicidal), I can accept the fact that I am considered a second-class citizen as a single woman over forty. Do you have any suggestions for how to turn this around so I don’t feel so inferior to women who are married?

Single and Hating It

Dear Single:

What Valentine’s Day has become is a real travesty. February is the month traditionally assigned to celebrating love. The Greeks were a smart bunch. They had words to communicate the different types of love: eros for romantic love, agape for spiritual love, and philia for friendship love. When I researched the word for self-love, I discovered the word narzissismus, or narcissism, a term rampant with negative connotations. So the positive love of self has been a hard thing for many of us to grasp.

I would like to share with you and my readers the story of St. Valentine because it contains the essence of what we should be celebrating on Valentine’s Day. St. Valentine was not some legendary derivation of Cupid in human form; rather, he was a priest in the third century who, against the mandate of Emperor Claudius, was secretly performing marriage ceremonies. Claudius wanted to build an army and most men at that time did not want to leave their families to go off to war. St. Valentine disobeyed Claudius’ law and was arrested, clearly finding himself in a LifeQuake!  Andhe passed his crisis of faith with flying colors. Young people took up his cause, coming to the jail and throwing flowers and notes up to his window. The daughter of the prison guard kept his spirits upwith daily visits. On the day he was beheaded, February 14, he sent her a note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty, signing it,  “love from your Valentine.”

As you can see from this story, there were two kinds of love that St. Valentine was honoring: the love between a husband and wife in performing marriages and the love of friendship. This offers an interesting challenge to those of us who are single. In the LifeQuake model, we are called to dissolve old programs for living and reinvent ourselves to fit with who we are authentically, outside of the countless cultural and media messages. So let’s take up the cause of celebrating love at every opportunity throughout the day on February 14 this year. Give your love generously to everyone, strangers in the grocery store or dry cleaners included. Call your family. And most importantly, take a moment at the beginning and end of the day and send love out to the whole planetary family, setting an intention for example, that everyone have clean water and food in plentiful supply. Perhaps in taking this on for one day, you will feel so good by the end of the day, that you will want to do it again and again. If enough of us spend our days sharing our hearts, a global tipping point willbe reached and then all members of our planetary family can enjoy a time of great prosperity.

Dear Dr. Toni:

I have a stepchild whom I really struggle to like, much less love. He is very self-centered and never thinks of anyone else besides himself. Nonetheless, I love his father. What do I do?

Katherine

Dear Katherine:

Would you agree that we need to learn to love our enemies in order to end war on this planet? Okay, so everyone can probably think of someone in their family, workplace, or community that they just don’t like. These individuals are in our lives to help us learn how to heal—if we allow ourselves to see it, of course. If you unhook from your need to have your stepson be a certain way and just love him rather than judging him, it will liberate you.

Miracles can happen when we don’t give up on love.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!

To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Toni Galardi through DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For more tips on overcoming the fear of change and discovering your life’s purpose, Dr. Toni has a new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive (Not Just Survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval, coming out February 27. For those seeking private consultation, she can be reached at 310.712.2600 or www.LifeQuake.net.