The LifeQuake Blog

Jason came in to see me describing himself as bored with his job. His goal for our work together was to find his purpose in life without risking any financial loss. After fifteen years in middle management in a large pharmaceutical firm that provided great benefits, he had lost interest in his work. He noticed he was mostly “phoning it in” and spending a lot of time watching You tube videos.

What made Jason unique in my practice is that he chose to seek a career transition coach before creating a crisis like substance abuse or illness as a way out of his job. Although the number one fear in America is the fear of change, (not the fear of public speaking) in the current economic crisis, people are turning to addiction as a way of dealing with boredom in their lives more than ever.

President Obama was elected as the guy who was going to bring change to the world but ironically, we are terrified to make any changes that could put ourselves at risk financially. The conundrum here is that if we don’t address boredom at its root by looking at its opposite, what we are interested in, we turn to ways to artificially create excitement which eventually leads to crisis and big financial loss.

Two different clients I have been working with are having affairs on their spouses. One is a male and upper class financially and the other is a female, and middle class and yet both will not leave their spouses whom they do not love any longer because they don’t want to lose 50% of their assets in a down economy. Now, of course eventually their spouses will find out and they stand to lose it anyway. If you were to look back at your life, way before you had a major crisis hit, how many times did it start with boredom?

There is much talk in the addiction field about gateway drugs – marijuana, alcohol, even cigarettes are now being seen as a gateway drug to deeper addictions. What if we looked at boredom as a gateway emotion? On the emotional tone scale it is often placed right in the middle with ecstasy at the top of the scale and despair at the bottom. If we begin to address our boredom head on and by the way, I am not talking about chronic boredom. Boredom as a transition emotion to change is boredom with a capital B. It has a definite onset where there once was enthusiasm. If you don’t resist this acute form of boredom and instead approach it directly with curiosity, it will move up the emotional tone scale. The key is to notice the opposite state – where is interest or passion showing up? Jot down all the times you feel an emotion that is higher than boredom and then look at your list.

Do any of these things constitute a possible hobby or avocation like charity work? For example, did you notice you were not bored when you were giving back to others or when you made your own little home movies and put them on You tube? Hobbies and and charity work can go from being an avocation to a vocation while you are still keeping your day job. Allow boredom to be the gift that shows you a cycle is coming to a close and you can now prepare for a change before it reaches sudden catastrophic levels. Your body will thank you for it, believe me!

Dr. Toni Galardi is a psychotherapist, career transition coach, and the author of her new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Economic Upheaval.

The topic of this week’s five minute tip is “Celebrating Aging”.

I have resisted writing about Michael Jackson. Not because I didn’t have my own opinions about what really killed him but it seemed so opportunistic to weigh in when so much has already been said. I questioned rather my take was an offering or not and then I realized how much he represents an archetype in the American psyche that I think is hurting us all, actually.

I don’t know the real details of his childhood but I surmise that there was trauma that left him never able to really grow up. Whatever he did or didn’t do to the various children who stayed with him, I honestly think he really saw himself as their peer. Making the transition into adulthood usually comes in one’s thirties. It is reported that the cosmetic surgeries began in the late 80’s at a time when he was entering his thirties. This is when he started to really get crazy. The reports are that there were 10 surgeries by 1990. It is also reported that he suffered from body dysmorphia – distorted negative perception of one’s body.

Like people who suffer from anorexia, there is an arrest in development in childhood where the individual never sees themselves as an adult. Like the J.M. Barrie story of Peter Pan, Michael never grew up. Jungian therapists have blogged about Michael as the archetype of the puer aeternus, (eternal adloescent)

What I haven’t seen written about is who is this eternal adolescent that imprisoned Michael that also lives inside of many of us? In western society, we have become hell bent on staying youthful in appearance and attitude. Anti aging medicine and the practices of cosmetic surgeons are booming. We loathe wrinkles and now both middle aged men and women are seeking sexual partners twenty years younger for the “youthenizing” effects it has on one’s sense of self. How anyone deludes themselves into thinking they are younger because they are peering into the face of a younger partner says so much about our society’s addiction to perfection.

And so we come to the subject of addiction. Michael was quoted as saying on a number of occasions how lonely he felt in life, how painful it was to be him. And so, he found a way to numb that pain with medication. The lives of great artists who followed a similar path are numerous but I think it bears a moment of contemplation to look at one’s own self rejection if you are aging. What distractions/addictions are you using to avoid confronting the decay of your body?

There is nothing wrong with adopting a healthy lifestyle to be the healthiest middle to older age person you can be. However, how much time do you spend on your inner life? Meditation, daily contemplation, connection to the soul all lead to wisdom through the enhancement of one’s intuition. Part of accepting aging is accepting the end of cycles. We have had this massive cultural belief that our economic life, our relationships, and yes, our bodies should forever be in harvest. That there should be no winter, no honoring of death that brings new life if you allow it. And maybe that’s the core of it. We fear death so we fear change. Embracing the aging process is a celebration of the elder archetype. It does mean examining what is at the heart of what we most fear about looking older: not being loved anymore.

So here’s this week’s tip: Take a few minutes in solitude. Look at where you fear or judge looking older. Where do you hold that fear in your body? Breathe into that fear until a feeling of surrender and peace replaces it. This peace is the beginning of real self love: as you are and as you will become as you face the inevitable year by year.

Last night I was watching an old documentary of Judy Garland. One of the narrators who had once been head of CBS commented that she was the greatest entertainer of the twentieth century. She had exceptional abilities as a singer, dancer, and actor. The narrator also made the observation that her vulnerability is what endeared her to an audience. She held nothing back. Her interpretation of a song had such heart and she also let it all hang out in television interviews as well. She told the truth, her truth of course, as a great raconteur, but she didn’t craft a story just to make herself look good. She didn’t hide and people loved her for it, and yet “she could hit a song like a guy, with the command that Sinatra brought to his music.”

I thought about this as I heard Berry Gordy refer to Michael Jackson as being the greatest entertainer that ever lived. Two people who were loved by their fans, their family and friends, and had long time drug addiction issues. Although Michael was extremely vulnerable inside, he wore a mask, literally and figuratively. He hid so much of himself and as he got older, the secrets got bigger, and the addiction more pervasive.

What gave both of their performances on stage such power was in part ( at least on the emotional level) that vulnerability. The greatest performance artists of our time have it and few escaped addiction. The paradox of what it takes to reach an audience and what it costs you (if you are that vulnerable) is tremendous. Being in the spotlight with all eyes on you with the public’s incredibly ridiculous projections contrast so greatly with how the individual who is a “sensitive” feels on the inside. To be an icon who the public can identify with requires access to the little guy inside and yet this child part has no coping skills for the demand of always being on display. Alcohol, pills, and heavy narcotics become the way that this child part finds to shut out the world and all its expectations.

I think that the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett ( another highly sensitive star who had once had some addiction issues) are shining the light on addiction, but they pose another cautionary lesson. To be a leader whether that is in the entertainment business, politics, religious institutions, or corporate America is to bring your authentic self to the people. The evolution of our consciousness is demanding that all “the masks and gloves” be ripped off of anyone in the public eye who purports to be one thing and keeps another shame ridden self deep in the cellar of the subconscious. Although we are seeing this “uncovery” through people like Jackson, Ted Haggart, and Governor Sanford, we too are being called to step out of the shadows.

Every human being has a part of themselves that is the child, that is vulnerable and scared at times. It is time for us all, not just our leaders, to attend to that child. To listen without judgement to its fears rather than sedating or numbing out its cries. When we invoke within ourselves a good parent to take care of the child, authenticity comes easier and so do boundaries. When the child part of us is not abandoned by us through substance abuse, food, and a myriad of distractions such as internet addictions, we can handle the judgements of the world and give the child what it really needs: love from the self not fleeting adulation from others. And to be a good parent means to say to the child: “loving you sometimes means telling you no.” “No, you can’t spend more than you have, eat more than you need to be healthy, or sacrifice sleep to get more done in a day.

I have great hope for America. We have come far since the days of Bill Clinton who did not trust himself or the people to come clean with his addictions. In the few months since he has been in office, Barack Obama has taken full responsibility for mistakes made. A perfect president? Far from it. However, I do think he is more authentic than anyone we’ve seen in office yet so it is for us to take our masks off first to ourselves and peer into our own deepest shadow and let the world see us: good, bad, and ugly. Every time you allow vulnerability without shame, every time you allow vulnerability through self deprecating humor, you stand for a healed relationship with your emotions and you provide a leadership to whomever is listening to you: your children, your community, your co-workers. This is the key to America’s recovery.

Thanks to reality tv, everyone wants overnight celebrity driven success. Andy Warhol said prophetically, eventually, everyone would be famous for 15 minutes. What if we stopped seeking the spotlight and replaced it with our inner light? It could be the key to feeling strong through vulnerability. If what we are seeking is to give the world our light, our full potential self, there is no need to buffer ourselves with addictive substances because there would be no disparity between what shines through you and what is you. This is the real stardom…

Dr. Toni Galardi is a licensed psychotherapist and author of her new book The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval

A few days ago I decided to start shopping for a new car. I have always loved BMWs but haven’t owned one for a very long time. You could say that my spiritual initiation was reflected outwardly by the first car accident I was ever in.

My “beemer” getting hit from behind was the beginning of more than a collapse of my car. It signified the collapse of a life that although highly materially successful, had become spiritually bankrupt. Now, it’s not like I was an arms dealer or something. I had a very successful private practice as a psychotherapist in Lake Forest, California. I was married, owned a beautiful home, etc but I knew this life I was leading was not working anymore.

 After walking away from all of it, I came to Los Angeles and spent the next two years trying to launch a career as a media psychologist with a talk show I had produced. The night before I was to bring my demo to a producer,I was given a dream. In the dream I was told that this was not the time for me to be in television. I was told there was a book I was to write and publish that would come first. What they didn’t tell me was that it would take twenty years and I would go through a journey that was meant to strip me of my false ego. When I had this dream I was at the end of my property settlement and I knew I still was not ready to go back to being a therapist so I took a job in a friend’s chiropractic office as a receptionist ( I give great phone) and a job as a restaurant hostess in Malibu.  My friends thought I had gone mad but it taught me something important about the uselessness of defining yourself by what you do.  

This memory came back to me when I started car shopping this week and met a very unusual BMW salesman. My first take on this guy with an Italian accent, hair longer than mine, in an Armani suit was “faux.”  This was furthered by his attitude. His opening line to me with an imperious, flat affect was ” Am I ready to buy a car or have I just started looking?” I was dressed in old yoga sweats at the time so we both were judging a book by its cover (or sartorial taste as it were). I told him my price range, at which point we went over to the used BMW lot and looked at 2008’s.

As we drove, I asked him, ‘ Are you happy selling cars because you don’t seem to be?” At which point he began to share with me his fantastic story. He left behind his very lucrative practice as a cosmetic/reconstructive surgeon with a teaching fellowship in plastic surgery in Rome so he could be here with his long lost 13 year old son. He explained how in Italy, the family comes first before the career. He had never sold cars before but it was the only thing he could do here and make good money because the licensing laws here would require him to repeat a three year medical residency .

I contemplated this after I left.  What American cosmetic surgeon would give up his practice to go to Italy and sell cars to be near his child? We have an addiction to work here and the identity it gives us.  We spend so much time working in America ( more than any other country) that we think the work is us. My time spent as a receptionist and restaurant hostess taught me so much about how I wanted to define myself.

 My biggest struggle in marketing myself now really comes from this. I have been a psychotherapist, a columnist, a public speaker, a futurist, a college instructor, and recently an author, and yet who I really am is not described by any of those labels. If you ever want to get back to your real essence, take a sabbatical from your career and go on an amazing journey.  And for those who have lost their jobs or their businesses in the last year, you can, if you allow yourself, use this time to discover who you really are so that when you put the cloak of your career on again, you will know who lives and breathes underneath it. Use this career transition so that it never smothers your life force through too much attention to career and not enough for your “famiglia” again. Heh, if a physician could give up his profession to become a BMW salesman, anything is possible.  

Dr. Toni Galardi’s new book, The LifeQuake Phenomenon showcases many New Thought leaders who left behind successful careers and risked following their vocation of destiny.  Here is a link to an article worth reading.   http://english.hani.co.kr/arti/english_edition/e_opinion/363915.html

I have resisted blogging about Michael Jackson. Not because I didn’t have my own opinions about what really killed him but it seems so opportunistic to weigh in when so much has already been said. I questioned rather my take was an offering or not and then I realized how much he represents an archetype in the American psyche that I think is hurting us all, actually. 

I don’t know the real details of his childhood but I surmise that there was  trauma that left him never able to really grow up. Whatever he did or didn’t do to the various children who stayed with him, I honestly think he really saw himself as their peer. Making the transition into adulthood usually comes in one’s thirties. It is reported that the cosmetic surgeries began in the late 80’s which is when he was entering his thirties. This is when he started to really get crazy. The reports are that there were 10 surgeries by 1990.  It is also reported that he suffered from body dysmorphia – distorted negative perception of one’s body.

Like people who suffer from anorexia, there is an arrest in development in childhood where the individual never sees themselves as an adult. Like the J.M. Barry story of Peter Pan, Michael never grew up. Dr. Judith Rich addresses this archetype we Jungians call Puer Aeternus – the eternal adolescent in her blog. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/it-hurts-to-be-me-confess_b_222381.html

What I haven’t seen written about is who is this eternal adolescent that imprisoned Michael that also lives inside of many of us?  In western society, we have become hell bent on staying youthful in appearance and attitude. Anti Aging medicine and the practices of cosmetic surgeons are booming. We loathe wrinkles and now both middle aged men and women are seeking sexual partners twenty years younger for the “youthenizing” effects it has on one’s sense of self. How anyone deludes themselves into thinking they are younger because they are peering into the face of a younger partner says so much about our society’s addiction to perfection. 

And so we come to the subject of addiction. Michael was quoted as saying on a number of occasions how lonely he felt in life, how painful it was to be him. And so, he found a way to numb  that pain with medication.  The lives of great artists who followed a similar path are numerous but I think it bears a moment of contemplation to look at one’s own self rejection if you are aging. What distractions/addictions are you using to avoid confronting the decay of your body?  There is nothing wrong with adopting a healthy lifestyle to be the healthiest middle to older age person you can be. However, how much time do you spend on your inner life?  Meditation, daily contemplation, connection to the soul all lead to wisdom through the enhancement of one’s intuition. Part of accepting aging is accepting the end of cycles. We have had this massive cultural belief  that our economic life, our relationships, and yes, our bodies should  forever be in harvest.  That there should be no winter, no honoring of death that brings new life if you allow it.  And maybe that’s the core of it. We fear death so we fear change. Embracing the aging process is a celebration of the elder archetype. It does mean examining what is at the heart of what we most fear about looking older: not being loved anymore…

So here’s this week’s tip: Take a few minutes in solitude. Look at where you fear or judge looking older.  Where do you hold that fear in your body? Breathe into that fear until a feeling of surrender and peace replaces it. This peace is the beginning of real self love: as you are and as you will become as you face the inevitable year by year…

Dr. Toni Galardi is  the author of The LifeQuake Phenomenon: How to Thrive ( not just survive) in Times of Personal and Global Upheaval.